How to Apologize to a Marriage Partner

People are not perfect and in the close confines of marriage, friction and disagreements are inevitable. Arguments occur and unless handled properly, they can cause lasting damage to a relationship. Men in particular often find it difficult to apologize. In the book, The Five Languages of Apology (Northfield Publishing, 2006), Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas explore the five steps involved in making a true heartfelt apology.

Express Regret for the Offense

Anyone can say he is sorry but unless the apology is accompanied by regret, the words are meaningless. This is especially true in marriage where partners have the ability to hurt each other deeply. Signs of regret include the following:

• Appropriate body language such as tears, eye contact and a bowed head
• Stating specifically what the wrong was
• Not following the apology with an excuse
• Not expecting a reciprocal apology

Accept Responsibility for Upsetting a Spouse

Some people struggle to admit to hurtful and inappropriate behavior as they perceive it as a weakness. For a marriage to thrive, it is essential that this flaw be overcome. Accepting responsibility can be as simple as saying "I made a mistake and I'm sorry for how it has hurt you." With each apology made, it becomes easier to admit guilt and this can be healing for any relationship.

Putting Things Right With a Marriage Partner

Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas point out that the idea of making things right is embedded in the human psyche. When a person has been hurt, he or she looks for reparation. This can be as simple as sending flowers or arranging a special treat to replace a forgotten birthday or as complex as apologizing to a group of people who witnessed inappropriate and hurtful treatment of a spouse.

Showing Genuine Repentance

Repentance means to turn around or change one's mind. If a marriage partner repents for wrong behavior, the expectation is that he or she will try not to do it again. If a spouse apologizes for getting drunk but continues to drink excessive amounts of alcohol, the apologies soon lose their effectiveness. It is important to turn away from harmful behavior patterns and consider their impact on a marriage.

Requesting Forgiveness in Marriage

Many people have learned to say sorry but do not follow through by asking for forgiveness. This can be a humbling thing to do but can bring a greater measure of healing to the offended party. Asking a spouse for forgiveness signifies a commitment to the relationship and a desire to put things right and move on. Always remember that it should be put across as a request and not a demand.

Many people find it difficult to apologize and ask for forgiveness. It helps to remember that everyone makes mistakes and apologizing can restore broken relationships. A marriage that is built around love, friendship and forgiveness has a great advantage over one where the partners carry grudges for years on end.