How to Apologize and Mean It

Open mouth. Insert foot. Everyone has been in a situation where it was necessary to apologize. Whether you inadvertently offended someone or you were having the worst day of your life and decided to lash out, you have an attack of conscience and realize you've hurt someone. Most of us suck at saying 'sorry', but there is a right way to do it.

Apologize and Mean It: Be sincere

It is essential to express yourself with absolute sincerity. Whether you think you were right or not, you hurt that person. Put the issue aside and apologize for the behavior.

Apologize and Mean It: Know what you're apologizing for

The words 'I'm sorry' mean absolutely nothing if you don't know what you are apologizing for. If you don't already know, ask the person. It's the difference between saying "I'm sorry" and "I'm sorry I made fun of your new haircut. It was insensitive of me, and I didn't mean to hurt you."

Apologize and Mean It: Make no excuses

Just as 'I'm sorry' doesn't work, the phrase 'I'm sorry, but...' is even worse. Excuses push the blame onto someone or something else, and it weakens the apology. You were wrong. Now suck it up and apologize instead of blaming your spouse for putting you in a bad mood or your dog for chewing your shoes or even your high school history teacher for misinforming you.

Apologize and Mean It: 'Sorry' isn't an eraser

The biggest mistake people make in apologizing is that they assume their responsibility for causing the hurt is gone. 'Sorry' doesn't make the hurt go away. 'Sorry' doesn't erase the damage you caused. When apologizing, understand that while you may have eased some of the upset, those hurtful words you used will be there forever.

Apologize and Mean It: Keep it simple

When apologizing to someone, the simplest words mean the most. Don't repeat yourself over and over again. Don't badger the person into forgiving you. Don't grovel at their feet. It's not necessary and it makes you seem insincere.

Apologize and Mean It: Learn from your mistake

I just had to explain this concept to my daughter today. An apology doesn't mean anything if you turn around and repeat the behavior again. An apology is an admittance of wrong-doing, not a free pass to do it again.

Apologize and Mean It: Apologize for them, not for you

This is the most important thing to remember while apologizing. The mistake many people make when apologizing is that they do it with the expectation of being forgiven. This is not about you. It's about the person you hurt. You are apologizing for the wrong reasons if you are saying 'sorry' in order to be forgiven. You have to realize that the person you hurt doesn't have to accept your apology and forgive you. You can't get angry or defensive. If the person declines your apology, you have to let it go and realize it's their prerogative. If you apologized sincerely, you have done all you can do.