How to Assist a Terminally Ill Loved One

I'm a retired nurse who has seen too much death in my career. It's part of the nature of my career. I've seen family members interact with loved ones struggling to live their last days with a sense of dignity. Personally, I was the main caregiver for a loved one who battled terminal breast cancer. I helped her through her battle leading to her death after two years. Through my life and career experiences I believe I'm qualified to offer advice for ways to help a loved one who is dying.

Death is something none of us can escape from but many of us are terrified of. Death is a shunned word, something you can't openly speak about without squirming in your seat or lowering your voice. We're afraid of approaching death and its effect on body deterioration, fearful towards the possible pain and discomfort that could occur, and emotionally torn over what will finally happen after our loved one's death arrives. Some people are afraid being in the physical presence of someone who's terminally ill or when it comes to viewing a corpse. These people will avoid their terminally ill friends and family members, and at times even their funerals. I'm not one who easily wants to attend funerals but who does? Funeral directors are the only ones who truly benefit from death.

Being around and taking care of a terminally ill loved one at home is occurring more frequently today. The entire family gets involved, including children. Children have less fear towards death than adults I've seen and ask amazing questions. Questions you should answer with as much frankness as you can for their appropriate age. There are ways to help ease the agony of terminal illness for the dying loved one and for the family and friends who will be left behind.

When you discover or are informed about a loved one diagnosed with terminal illness, your first reaction may be frank shock, or a sense of wanting to escape the image. Both feelings are completely understandable, normal human reactions. We use avoidance to escape death because it's a caustic confirmation of the fact we're all mortal, and all will die one day. The approaching death of a loved one is a time when you'll really have to dig deep in your gut, your soul, and find strength to become truly selfless. This is the time to be there, to assist in whatever manner you can. Your loved one may not ask you for anything or expect you to do anything, but this is the time you should freely offer yourself.

With a loved one's approaching death, your most important duty will be to just listen. Listen to verbal and nonverbal clues your loved one gives you. They'll guide your way. In the beginning there's definite grief and rage. Grief, while your loved one struggles to come to terms with their terminal diagnosis. Rage, towards the fact their life's being curtailed before they're ready. You must be available but also be able to bite your tongue and remain silent. Let your loved one talk, scream, cry, rant and rave, without offering any words. Be an open ear to their pain and concerns. Dealing with the approaching death of a loved one, as I wrote before, is a totally selfless job. This is the time when it's not what you want to say, it's what your loved one wishes and needs to say. Be there and listen.

After the acceptance of their approaching death, which in some people may never occur, there's a sense of inner peace that washes over your loved one. Peace, when a loved one realizes each day they have left is precious. They'll have an urge to stay busy, with a drive to accomplish as much as possible with their remaining good days. Your loved one might have an extreme desire to make sure they're leaving something behind to be remembered after their death. Leave an imprint on their world. What they believe may be important is what your concern should be focused on. Offer them assistance to fulfill their last wishes, no matter how much you may disagree with them.

Be available. Some dying loved ones don't want to be a bother so they won't ask for help. This is when you should step up; make sure they have transportation to doctor appointments and treatments, medication refills and money to pay for them, and a stocked refrigerator. Cook meals they'll be able to tolerate and enjoy, because their appetite will most likely be quite diminished as their body faces the final death process. If your loved one requests something, try everything possible to have it available. Make sure they have a companion with them at all times for support, even if it's just to sit nearby in case a request is made. Offer assistance to help maintain their household, and/or arrange for financial details to be straightened out. Anything you can do to ease their discomfort and make it easier to leave without a sense of worry is necessary now.

Death is a dirty word to many, but this may be the time your loved one may want to speak about their funeral arrangements or memorial. They may want to interject their input on how they'd like their last days to go, who they want and need to come visit, or anyone they prefer not to see. They may want to talk about what they're going to expect as death approaches. This is the time if you haven't done it before to make sure a, "living will," is in place along with a DNR. A living will describes what medical treatments a patient may want or will not want once they become incapacitated. A, DNR, means, "Do not resuscitate," do not revive after the heart stops with any medical intervention. Every state has different laws regarding these documents which should be checked into. You can obtain a form for a, "living will," and, "DNR," from a medical doctor, a hospital, a lawyer, or even download them off a website. You just have to be sure you follow your state's laws to assure they're legally filled out.

Your loved one may refuse to speak about their approaching death, or even make any plans. You can approach the subject gently but if they prefer not to talk about it, don't force the issue. This is their death, not yours. Hopefully all legal matters and guardianship are settled before terminal illness occurs. If you feel your loved one is incapable of making decisions you'll have to legally obtain guardianship and be executer of their estate.

As a caregiver of your loved one it's important to try and form a group of support for yourself. Have someone you trust who you can talk to about your fears, concerns and anger towards your loved one's death. You will fell a gamut of emotions. Sometimes a friend's better than a family member because they're less emotionally involved.

Hospice services, a practice that deals with death and dying, are excellent places to contact for additional help and support. You can find the name of a local contact from your loved one's doctor, or a hospital. Hospice services can assist you in finding a place for your loved one to reside that's geared to caring for a dying patient, or they can assist you if you choose to bring your loved one home. Most hospices have open visiting hours. Hospice services will maintain a contact with your loved one's primary doctor; provide home nursing care and support, therapists, social workers, or religious faith support. They're available for support for both you and your family as the primary caregivers, as much as they're there for your loved one.

Choosing to place your loved one in a hospice is a personal decision, not one to feel ashamed about. I decided to have my loved one remain at home. Hospice services were wonderful with personal care aids and nurses becoming quick friends. A social worker visited weekly to relieve any anxiety my loved one or I had. A minister came in to administer counseling to our family. A nurse provided information and discussed the physical stages of terminal illness leading to death. Something you should be very aware of. I was concerned about pain and discomfort and they relieved my concern. Medication was available to be administered if needed. They provided comfort when I felt I couldn't go on at times. They also offered grief support groups to attend if you desire. Hospice services and support are something I strongly recommend, to assist you and your terminally ill loved one.

For awhile your loved one may seem completely fine but there'll come a day when their body processes start the road to the final death stage. In the case of long term terminal illness you may see your loved one completely lose their appetite, be confined to bed, and no longer be able to attend to their own personal needs. They may sleep for longer periods; drift in and out of consciousness. They may not realize who you or their other family members are, and even have periods of hallucination as death approaches with their body rapidly declining. This will be the most difficult time for you. You and your nurse's aids if you have them will have to attend to your loved one's physical comfort. You may be the one to administer strong narcotics to relieve your loved one's pain and discomfort.

This is the time you'll probably keep up the majority of the conversation. If you can, keep subjects upbeat, and of course express your love. Say your good-byes if you haven't already, and have family members and friends do the same if they request. This is the time to let your loved one rest too. Remember hearing's the last body sense to fade before death. Crying is a natural expression; don't feel ashamed for expressing your sorrow and grief in front of your loved one, to a certain point. As I said hearing is the last sense to leave.

As the time of death approaches, again have family and a support team around you if possible. I can't explain the last physical processes your loved one will go through. Each death is individual and happens when major body systems fail, with respirations and heartbeats finally ceasing. It may occur you'll want to tell your loved one it's all right to leave. You have to let go at a certain point, because sometime dying loved ones are waiting to hear your permission. This is the moment to express your emotions in your individual way. You will start the final grieving process when your loved one takes their last breath. My comfort to you is to remember you helped your loved one through their terminal illness, giving the best possible support and love. Death is something we'll all face one day, and I'm sure you hope you'll have the support of loved ones by your side.