How to Avoid Making Your Child Feel Guilty

Guilt itself is simply the fact of being responsible for a wrongful act. To be guilty of having a committed a harmful act is to be rightly accused of doing it. To feel guilty is another matter, which may or may not be linked to an offense.

At one time or another, all children disobey, make mistakes or show poor judgment. When this happens, they are guilty of these errors. While their guilt is a fact, they may or may not feel guilty.

Guilt feelings are based on a moral connection, a social bond, a sense of community, a code of conduct. Experiencing guilt feelings is necessary for the development of social interest, conscience and a healthy feeling of connection with others. Capable, loving parents are able to instruct and discipline in ways that strengthen social interest without damaging self esteem.

Unfortunately, when parents make the mistake of scolding their children too sharply and blaming them too harshly, they may cause humiliation and deep shame. When this happens routinely, the children eventually become alienated, first from themselves and their parents and eventually from all others. If the harsh scolding, criticizing and shaming is persistent, the alienation may increase until the children lose their self esteem entirely. These children may even fail to develop a conscience. In extreme cases, they can become so alienated from themselves and others that they experience nor remorse when they lie, steal or hurt other children.

In the long run, of course, this type of alienation is far from harmful than any mistake you hoped to correct. In fact, constant scolding, shaming and criticizing can be so detrimental to self esteem that some children never recover. As adults they carry the painful burden of never been having able to please their parents. They always feel guilty and never good enough.

It is totally unnecessary to degrade, humiliate or shame your children to teach them subject matter, social rules or appropriate conduct. It is not only unnecessary, it is counter productive.

When your children make mistakes, consider first whether they have been properly instructed. Too often we assume that children know how to behave or do certain tasks when we've never taken the time to teach tem properly. Next, consider the age and development of the children. Is this kind of mistake normal for children this age - like spilling milk because their coordination is not yet fully developed?

In order to properly guide and direct your children, you need to begin by seeing them as your equals. Children are our equals in parenthood, dignity and self worth. While obviously they are not in our level in terms of experience, knowledge and education, they are certainly entitled to the same basic human rights we give ourselves and others.