How to Avoid Overspending on a Cruise

For those of you out there who have big dreams of putting out to sea, hitting tropical ports of call and partying like an animal on one of America's many popular cruise lines, let me be the first to tell you that the fine print is what it is all about. If there is a daisy-fresh rookie out there reading this right now, it pays to go into the situation armed for what could become a fiscal disaster. I had fun, but in the process I got so far into the red it took me about two years to climb back out of the pit.

Let me preface what I'm about to say with a small addendum. At the time I embarked on this financially epic journey I had never been on a cruise, nor had I ever independently traveled abroad. I had no idea what lay before me. A friend of mine had tickets for a ten-day vacation, and got put in a tight spot when his second banana backed out at the last minute. I was said second banana's understudy. To me, the prospect of hitting the beaches and downing liquor in exotic places was enough to convince me that this would be the time of my life, and for the most part it was. But in retrospect I wish someone would have told me what I'm about to tell you before this friend and I closed out a bar and cabbed our way to the airport at four a.m. for an early flight to our port of departure.

First of all, all inclusive does not mean everything is free. Food, friendship, and entertainment are they only things included in the initial costs of the trip. Rest assured, you will make friends. You will eat tons of delicious food. And you will be entertained. But that, dear reader, is where the free stuff ends. Everything else you do costs---from the drink you down at the pool-bar, to the liquor you buy at the duty-free shop, to the ice cubes the porter brings you to chill the liquor you bought at the duty-free shops, to the Cohiba you just had to smoke because they are illegal in the states, right down to the video games in the arcade.

The way it works is like this: There is absolutely no hard currency exchanged on the ship, so if you thought you were going to manage your money by counting the bills in your wallet, forget it. The employees aren't even allowed to accept gratuity. Most major cruise lines demand a credit card up front at check-in. This credit card is then put on file by the host, and in return you are handed a different card to which you will electronically apply all transactions made while at sea. You are then distracted by all the pomp, vigor, and bright lights, and reminded you are on vacation where money means no object, at which point a photographer takes a photo of you and your traveling companions before you walk the plank. These tactics are implemented to make you forget that you have just signed your life over to the cruise line. Next you are put into a trance.

Cruise ships are ornamented with decadence, luxury, entertainment, and grandiosity, all of which are factors that cause you feel like living beyond your means. Let me give you a scenario: You and a friend board the boat and are immediately confronted by towering levels of chrome, wood, glass, marble, and gold that stretches on for eons above your head. At the bottom of this grand entrance hall is the first of many bars you will find strewn about the ship's maze-like levels. The bar is long, luxurious, and stocked with all the best stuff. It literally radiates an ethereal glow from within like an oasis in the desert. You sally up to the bar and order your first drink. The bartender, grinning, takes your order and politely instructs, "Please swipe your card." The bartender then hands you a receipt, which you sign and give back. Rinse, repeat . . . about a thousand times. By the end of the night you've swiped that little bugger so many times you can't remember how much you spent let alone what you spent it on. But you had a damned good time. So what's the worry, right? Wrong. Those seemingly small charges will pile up, and you will be in for a rude awakening when the bill comes.

Your next concerns should involve the various ports of call. These places are tourist traps, and, as such, are designed to get keep you spending. My cruise made two stops: one in Key West, Florida, and one in Cozumel, Mexico. Luckily we pulled into Key West around nine in the morning, so most of the expensive places were closed. My buddy and I managed to make it up and down Duval Street without spending more than one-hundred dollars. Mexico, however, was a different story. I'm not sure what its like in St. Thomas, Jamaica, or the Cayman Islands, but as a general rule of thumb don't trust anyone on a Vespa or anyone who has their name tattooed across the backs of their fingers. These guys will promise you anything to get your money: places to hang out, beautiful women, illegal contraband, mind altering drugs. But chances are if you follow them anywhere you will probably wind up beaten, robbed,and ransomed to your poor mother back in the states.

Now I'm not saying everyone in these places is bad. I met some very cool people in Mexico and partied like I was going to the gas chamber the next day. But I also wound up spending way too much money. Allow me to give you a few words of advice: 1) Attend the excursions offered by the cruise-line. These are safe and surefire ways to see the sights without becoming part of the landscape. 2) Haggle for everything. The proprietors of tourist shops want your money and they will make a deal. 3) After it gets dark, stick close to the pier. The best places to hang out (if you are into devilish night-life) are usually the ones located closest to where the boat docks. Like I said, these are tourist driven towns and they want your money. They aren't going to make you walk far to have a good time. Also, you will be close to the dock when the captain sounds the horn, and will make it back to the ship before they leave to the natives. I'm sure Mexico could have been worse, but after downing cold domestic beers in the open streets, snorkeling with giant tropical fish, buying a straw cowboy hat, and dancing on a few tables and bars at Senior Frogs, I had no idea what that little layover had cost me.

I am required at this point to say that I like to party. I go big and I go hard. Its how I like to have a good time. But for the two-beer tourist and celibate monkish traveler alike, don't think that your conservative views on libation and excess will save you. Cruises are designed by the powers that be to make you lose your mind (and my hat's off to you, Powers-That-Be, whoever you are. I enjoyed myself thoroughly). For those of you out there not into living like Raoul Duke and Dr. Gonzo, like I do, keep your wits about you. I wish you luck. Take it from the guy who left New York with two grand in his pocket and came back broke with a bill for twelve-hundred dollars in unpaid debt and another fifteen-hundred owed to his creditors, money moves at sea. Watch out for the bottom line. It comes at you quick.

So to you Mr. and Missus Daisy-Fresh Rookie, don't be that guy or gal sitting on his or her luggage in J.F.K. after a return flight wondering what the hell happened to you for those odd days and even odder nights. Eat, drink, and be merry, but don't say I didn't warn you. Godspeed.