How to Avoid Peeing Your Pants: The Ultimate Embarrassment

Yes, I could have titled this article "How to Decrease Your Chances of Incontinence." That would have certainly sounded nicer and would have been much more correct. But by the time you got through that title, you might have already done what the article is telling you to prevent. (Before I go on any further, I would like to apologize to my two wonderful daughters who will be reading this.)

Being a woman of a certain age, get me to the bathroom on time is my mantra. I think it when I'm walking long distances-actually, pray it would be more accurate-when I leave the house, when I come back into the house, before I get in the car, as soon as I get out of the car, before I sit down to eat, when I walk into a restaurant, when I leave a restaurant, entering the movies, leaving the movies, before I do anything I enjoy, before I start teaching (as a substitute teacher in the school). Of course, I have to go at the times normal people do-before sleep, after waking-and one to two times in the middle of the night. But when you have to pee before you go to the bathroom, you've got a problem.

So based purely on my own experience, here is my advice:

If you feel like you might have to go, go. Don't wait. Never think you can hold it-even if you can.

A couple of years ago, my boyfriend and I were leaving a Chinese restaurant in Boston. I had several cups of tea, soup and a diet Coke. Of course, I had gone to the ladies' room a couple of times already. But when we were finally leaving, I thought I might have to go, but I would just hold it. After all it was only about a 20 minute MBTA ride home and a few blocks to walk.

Here was my first mistake: anyone who lives/works in the Boston area knows you can't count on the MBTA for anything except being late and experiencing delays. Well, let me tell you--that 20 minutes (which turned out to be more like 40) were the most painful in my life (excluding a root canal once that was even worse than childbirth, and the removal of a wart by dry ice or whatever they call it when I was 16 years old). By the time we got off the train, I realized I really had to go badly. I told my boyfriend that I was in trouble, but we were walking through a residential area without a potential toilet in sight.

By now I was panicking and telling my boyfriend that I really felt like I was going to pee in my pants. He told me to hold on-or in-and we scurried to the nearest restaurant. Anyone who has been through this knows how painful it is to hold it in. You're afraid to walk fast. But you're afraid to walk too slowly. You start searching for a spot in the street where you can do it if the worse happens.

It was winter and I actually unbuttoned my coat and my pants so that I could take advantage of the first toilet opportunity. But unbuttoning my pants made them start drooping around my legs which slowed me up. Finally, finally, thank G-d, finally, we saw a Dunkin' Donuts that was still open. I didn't care what that bathroom looked like. I got into that stall, but it was still too late: I ended up peeing in my pants over the toilet. But I was so happy to be beyond that horrible waiting and pain. I was actually proud of myself that at least I didn't go in the street.

So here, again, is the lesson. When you have to go, you have to go. Don't let people tell you it's just a habit you can break. Don't feel stupid when people say, "again, you have to go again?" Or my favorite: why didn't you go when... (fill in the blank). This is almost exclusively said by a member of the male gender who doesn't usually have this problem but has plenty of other ones.

And now, please excuse me...this article is over 700 words...and I have to go-and you know where.