How to Avoid Showing Favoritism to One Child

When I was a child, my big brother favored my younger sister over me. He would not let me go in his room, play with his car race set, or read his books. When our younger sister was born, even though there was a 12 years age difference between them, he took an intense liking to her. He gave her piggy back rides and didn't mind when she left her dolls strewn across his bedroom.

My brother and I have since developed a close relationship and while I am long past this chapter of my life, I never forgot the hurt I felt when someone was being favored over me.

Now that I have a family of my own I am determined not to show favoritism to either own of my two daughters.

There is a big age difference between my two girls, Amber is 9 and Karen is 2. Sitting next to each other, your attention is automatically drawn to the cute precocious toddler, Karen. Her skin is a soft cream color, with dark curly hair in pigtails. She has a round innocent face with brown, expressive eyes and movie star long eye lasses. Amber, while still beautiful tends to pale in comparison. Her skin is a darker tan color, and her hair is more frizzy than curly. Her cute button nose has disappeared and in its place is the domineering banana nose my mother and I have passed down to her. When we go out, people naturally gravitate toward the friendly toddler and pass right by Amber.

When people do this, I make a point of using this time to give Amber a kiss and some special attention. This makes people realize what they've just done and turn to Amber to ask her what it's like being a big sister.

I make a point of reminding Amber of all the things she can do her baby sister can't do.

"Yes, Amber you can spend the night over at your friend's house. Poor Karen, she has to stay home with me."

"Yes, Amber you can have ice cream, but Karen can't. She has to drink her bottle."

I also set aside time to spend with Amber, be it reading a book, playing cards, or polishing our nails together. As a result, despite the big age difference, my two girls are as close as sisters can be. Karen looks to Amber for comfort and mimics everything she does. Amber takes the responsibility of being a big sister seriously and enjoys being looked up to.

While we understand that a baby does not comprehend right and wrong, to a child, all they see is that their brother or sister got away with something they would have got in trouble for. This causes hurt and resentment.

Keeping this in mind, I never let Amber see Karen "getting away with something". Though Karen can not be punished the same as I would Amber, Karen still receives some form of punishment, even if it's sitting in the time out chair.

I always complement both girls on being such a good sisters and encourage them to show love and affection to each other. If either one of them hurts the other, they have to apologize and give their sister a kiss. As a result, fights have become almost non-existent.

I believe it is important that you do not show favoritism to one child over another, because both children can be harmed. I had to point this out to a good friend of mine. She has two boys, and she told me she was concerned because her two sons were not close. She said her older son was mean to his younger brother and they got into a lot of fights. She didn't know why the brothers didn't get along. I didn't know why either until I came over to her house for a visit.

The younger of the two boys has a learning disability, and as a result, he gets more attention from his mother. Granted, the younger son did require more attention as a result of his disability, but I realized the mother was going overboard. Even though there was only one year's age difference between the two, the mother was a lot harder on the older son. She would punish the older son for doing something wrong but when the younger son committed similar offenses she would let him off with a warning.

For example, the boys were told no juice before dinner. The older son tried to sneak and pour himself a drink, but the mother caught him and told him to go to his room till dinner. Not only did this punish the son, it also gave the younger son opportunity to snuggle up with his mom on the couch. And ten minutes later, when the younger son took a container of juice from the frig, she didn't say anything. The older son saw all this from his room, and I know it had to hurt him.

In a polite way, I told my friend she was showing favoritism to her younger son and as a result it was causing harm to both children. The older child was growing resentful towards his brother for the attention he was getting. Since he couldn't take his anger and frustration out on his mother, he took it out on his brother. His brother was also being harmed. He was being spoiled by his mother and was loosing out on an important relationship with his brother.

When I pointed this out to my friend, she realized what she was doing and took steps to correct it. Change does not happen over night, but over the course of time she stopped having two sets of standards for her sons, and as a result, the older son stopped resenting the younger. Being held to the same standards, the younger son stopped being so spoiled and became more responsible. I was glad to see that the two boys got along far better. They didn't fight anymore; they supported each other, and took care of each other, the way all brothers and sisters should be.