How to Be an Awful Writer

There is a disease sweeping across high schools and colleges everywhere that is really starting to weird me out. After having taught a Freshman Orientation class at my alma mater, I noticed an unbelievable string of just plain terrible paper writing by my students. Granted, this was a non credit course that they were being forced into taking and writing for, but the quality of their work astounded me. I am by no means a great writer, but in twenty minutes I could have cracked out a longer, more genuine, and better written article than all of these kids could have created combined. Had I been able to grade them, none would have received better than a C.

So that got me thinking...if these students, who are typically bright kids, have degraded themselves to turning in papers of disturbing quality, it must be a fad. The new "in" thing to do. Since I know that all of you popularity junkies want to get in on the action, I have compiled for you a list of the worst possible ways to write articles, papers, and essays. As amazing as it may be, college students, even "honors program" college students, used each and every one of these techniques. Use these tips to wow your friends.

As we all know, the first thing you need to do when you're writing is to think about a topic and do a little research. Awful writers know that the best way to select a topic to write about is to only consult one source. This allows the awful writer to be expressly biased and ensures that there is no purpose whatsoever for them to have written their article, since they are basically just paraphrasing everything the other person has already said. After all, when only considering someone else's singular point of view, it leaves little room for their own extrapolation, just what every awful writer really wants.

So once you've analyzed your one and only source, you then need to begin writing your article. Heavy paraphrasing and recycling of quotes is all well and good, but what will really stamp you as the real deal is your ability to utilize vague and unrelated metaphors. Doing this is kind of like waxing your snowboard before you head down the slopes. It greases the path and lets you, or in this case, your readers get really into your work right from the start. So remember to wax your snowboard, and also remember to use vague metaphors that only remotely relate to your topic.

Good writers like to stick to the point, so of course, awful writers like to go off on tangents. The really awful writers can expand and expound on these tangents for multiple paragraphs, and occasionally never even make it back to the main point of the article. I used to know someone who was famous for this. Whenever he would write a paper, it was almost always graded poorly because he couldn't stick to the topic. My friend always thought that Mr. Grier, his high school history teacher, had it out for him. As it turned out, he did. My friend always got assigned the most difficult projects and topics for his research. Whenever there was a group project, Mr. Grier always organized the groups such that my friend was with the dumbest kids. My goodness, those kids needed help. Whether it was the dumb jocks, the kid who didn't speak a word of English, or that one illiterate kid who was really good at faking it, Mr. Grier always knew who to pair with my friend to ensure his failure. That's why he never took another history course again, and has since gone on to become a banker.

Awful writing is also devoid of any personality. There are many ways to achieve this effect, the first of which is to state fact after fact without doing any actual analysis of what they mean in the grand scheme of things. Another method which is commonly used is to continuously start each sentence with the same few words. Another method which is commonly used is to write the same message in two ways, one right after the other. Another method which is commonly used is to state the same thing twice, only varying the words that were used.

The awful writer should also change tense and viewpoint multiple times throughout the paper, and if you can manage it, changing tenses within the same sentence. Personally, I think that this can be a difficult thing to do, but once you've done it, your article will become much more awful. You can even tie this in with your tangents to utterly confuse the reader.

Word use is also important. Use slang and contractions whenever possible, regardless of the audience of your writing. Those Graduate Thesis advisers need to lighten up anyways. Also remember to confuse your "it's" and "its," and the perennial favorites, "you're" and "your" and "their", "they're" and "there." If yore worried about getting it correct, sprinkle a little bit of each around in you're sentences. If the situation calls for it, and you don't want to look like a good writer by using a thesaurus, make up your own words. Nothing gives you the appearance of awful writing like a lack of vocabulary. And of course, we all want to show off our awfuloscity, don't we?

Making sure to wrap up your paper or article is also a key part of the awful writer's repertoire. Remember, just like your 4^th Grade teacher told you, the only acceptable format for writing is the five paragraph formula. This means that you get one introduction paragraph (don't forget to start it out with your "This paper is about..." statement, that will show 'em), three body paragraphs to explain yourself, and one conclusion. But we all know what that conclusion is...a simple restatement of the introduction.

Now you know all about being an awful writer. It is a trendy thing to do, and everyone will think you are extremely cool to do it. There are a lot of ways to show off your awful writing skills, so mix and match from the above until you achieve the result you're looking for. Then wrap it up with a hesitating, stunted conclusion. The End.