How to Be a Bad Roommate

The first step is to figure out what kind of person you are dealing with. Roommates come in a number of varieties, but for our purposes we will distinguish only between three of them.

The first, and most difficult, is the party boy. He will live in a state of chaos, trash your room just about every night, and not care about it. He will leave little left to be done. However, don't despair. Like everyone else, he will need sleep. Do whatever you can to disturb it. Come in at four in the morning and turn on the lights to find your toothbrush. Jump onto your top bunk from his bed. Stay up all night writing a paper, and leave your light on. Don't be subtle. And most importantly, wake up early and turn on the lights. Tell him, "I'm sorry. You don't have to get up."

It is also worth noting that even the party boy has his limits when it comes to mess and chaos. If your sweaty underwear are lying on his desk, he probably won't be thrilled. Being just plain unsanitary works, too. Spill soda, beer, orange juice, (coffee grounds do well too) etc. on the floor and don't clean it up. Leave your clothes lying around in it.

The next variety is the average roommate. She is most likely a reasonably good student, and will probably like to get her work done. She will go to parties, but will not have crowds of drunk people over in your room, passing around the bong and vomiting on the floor. She is your average college student. To bother her, play loud music. The worse your taste in music, the better. (But then again, if her tastes are poor to begin with, don't gratify them. Play her Mozart. Loudly.) Alternately, try playing her favorite music over and over, to the point that she hates it. This is indeed a nasty thing to do.

If you play an instrument, use it to your advantage. An electric guitar with a nice loud amp is always a pain in the ass when you are writing a paper. In lieu of an electric guitar, take up the cello. Practice in your room. Suck. Watch her spend more and more time in the library.

The final type of roommate, and the easiest to piss off, is the classic Difficult Roommate. He is a light sleeper, needs complete silence to work, and can't stand clutter. Pushing every one of his buttons would be a simple task, (even without trying to) but don't. It would take all the sport out of it. Instead, slowly and carefully cross the lines. Don't play loud music, but bump around a bit when you are up writing a paper. Don't make a mess, but occasionally leave your socks lying around on his side of the room. When you wake up before he does, don't make a lot of noise, but hit the sleep button a couple times. Make sure your alarm is good and loud. He will say he doesn't notice, but he will. He will secretly hate you.

It is really not a difficult business being a bad roommate. Experiment! Be creative! Have fun!