How to Be a Basketball Superstar

If you want to be the best, you have to convince everybody that you are even when you aren't. hard work and practice is for suckas! Real winners are masters of deception and half truths. To paraphrase a popular ad campaign: Image is everything, actually skill is overrated.

1.) Look Fresh.
A great haircut is just as important as owning overpriced sneakers. If your not 6'4" or taller, you are not afro worthy. Keep it short and tight.Your clothes should not be too flashy. Shorts or sweatpants that don't fall off your posterior when moving are good enough.

You know those sleeves that guys like Carmelo Anthony wear? you might wnt to get you one, or make it using one of your girl friends stockings. a sleeve gives the impression that your a shooter. Not a good shooter, but a guy known for jacking it up constantly. If anyone asks why your sleeve is brown instead of white, and why it has runs, change subject immediately!

2.) Pimp your kicks.
I drew up a blueprint for a pair of basketball shoes with a spring and safety latch attached to the soles. If your a short player who wants to experience the feeling of blocking somebodies shot, you can remove the latch and hop around like crazed kangaroo looking for her Joey. The Springs also allow your childhood of playing NBA Jam, by actually dunking from the three point line.

I might be willing to provide a discount once I patent a really cool name for 'em. Everybody has cool looking shoes today. To be really impressive, your kicks must be enhanced in some way. Be it by having an up-skirt mirror that has built in lasers that blind defenders, or a regular looking sneaker with ball pump features.

3.) Run your mouth, like a champion!
Trash talk is a lot like playing defense. keep moving, and you should be at least halfway decent at it. trash talk is a no holds barred form of verbal combat. Really nothing is off limits. Target mothers, brothers, sisters, bowlegged aunts, or anything your victim might be wearing at the time.

They drive a nice car? Heckle 'em about how they like to take it to keep it clean, or how much money they don't want the IRS to know they are making while hustling people in pick up basketball games. Anything you can do to disrupt ones focus while playing is a virtue.

4.) Be a team player, playa'.
You aren't always blessed with exceptional teammates in sports More often than not, they tend to be pretty smelly when it comes to skill set. Don't point out the obvious. If your teammates are horrid basketball players, lie to their faces and tell 'em they're doing a great job.

A little positive reinforcement goes a long way. You'd be surprised at the results. I mean, there's no way a sucky teammate will begin to play better, or figure out how to shoot a proper jump hook within minutes of saying they remind you of a young Dennis Rodman. But a happy and delusional teammate is better than a depressed one who wets himself when stressed out.

5.) Stop talking, you'll thank me later.
let's say you are having a very bad game. Every shot bits the rim and rattles out, like that one time you slipped on some water in the bathroom, busted your keister on the toilet, and fell off. Your timing is off when passing the ball, so the other team is getting a lot of steals.

When this happens, it's best to cut your losses and stop talking till after you've found a rhythm. Will other players make fun of you? Yeah, they will if you listened to my advice. If they take this opportunity to get back at you for dissing them all the time, it's a sign that your manufacture greatness has been recognized by your peers. Jealousy is just another word for respect.