How to Beat the Holiday Blues

Like it or not, it's once again that time of year when the streets are filled with more idiots than drivers and the shopping malls are filled with screaming brats that should be fed Zoloft for breakfast, muzzled, and put on a leash. I refer, of course, to that exercise in herd mentality euphemistically known as the Yuletide; the Season of Love and Joy; the Holidays; Xmas, or simply as Christmas.

For those of us who have at least two functional neurons remaining and thus an intense aversion to what is best described as what is generally found in the immediate vicinity of the north end of a south-bound bull, I would like to share my personal method of coping with this annual madness.

Every November 1^st I convert to Judaism.

I have found that there are a number of both tangible and intangible advantages to be had by converting to Judaism rather than some other faith. By not converting to Buddhism I avoid having to wear a yellow robe and shave my head, although the latter is becoming less of a concern given the rate that my hair is falling out of its own free will. By avoiding Shintoism I remove the ever-present temptation to attack Pearl Harbor or to yell Banzi while driving my car into the side of a battleship; and converting to Islam is out because it would interfere with my beer consumption, which I have found to be a greater contributor to world peace than praying five times a day.

An immediate tangible benefit of my annual conversion is that I get to wear a yarmulke, the traditional headgear of my newly-found faith. In doing so, it becomes something of a badge or a symbol that says "Shut up with the bell-ringing already!" It is also a great way to avoid dirty looks from strangers because I didn't drop a pocketful of loose change into a kettle manned by some day laborer who is probably going to steal half of it anyway.

By virtue of my conversion I am also entitled to prominently display a menorah in my window or as a decoration to hang on my front door. In addition to its esthetic properties a menorah is far more effective in driving away pests, such as door to door salesmen of some Christmas-related product, than a crucifix and a string of garlic.

Once everyone returns to their senses, I have no problems de-converting myself from Judaism since this involves reverting simply to my customary, unreligious, usual self until it becomes advantageous to again become one of the Chosen People or a member of some other group.

Should you decide to adopt this strategy of timely conversion to some other faith you are, of course, not restricted to being one of the Children of Abraham. Other available options would include Zoroasterism, which is a popular choice simply because no one knows what it means anyway and is thus a great justification for any number of antisocial behaviors or sexual deviations. Another popular choice is to become a Viking or some other practitioner of a Nordic religion. In addition to wearing a helmet with horns and carrying a 20-pound battle axe while you rape, pillage, and burn the neighborhood, you would also be able to play Richard Wagner operas on your boom box at a minimum of 110 decibels. However, should you choose this conversion option you must always remember to rape and pillage first, then burn! You may also want to consider Rastafarianism so that you can smoke enough ganja until those obnoxious Christmas carols begin to sound really cool.

In your choice of temporary faiths, you should also try to adopt a different religion each year. This will go a long way in assuring that the applicable statute of limitations has expired since your last conversion to the One True Faith.

Additionally, you should realize that there may be some who will doubt the sincerity of your epiphany or even your right to celebrate Saturnalia within the semi-privacy of your own home. Should you not have the financial resources, or the presence of mind, to have a criminal defense attorney on retainer it is advisable to either commit to memory or have tattooed on your forearm the phone number of your local ACLU affiliate or Public Defender.

But the greatest benefit to seasonal religious conversion is both intangible and profound because in your newfound zealotry you are separating yourself from the Christians, that rowdy and vocal mob that excels in distancing itself as far as possible from the teachings of the man that they purport to follow.

Shalom, and have a Merry Conversion!