How to Beat Your Teen at Basketball

OK, so like me, you are 49 years old...er...young, and you are faced with a grave situation. Your ego caused you to step in some trouble piled high and deep. You opened your yapper and challenged two teenage boys to a one-on-two basketball game. YOU verses THEM. You are old; they are young. They play regularly on their high school team--you have not played the game in thirty years.

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FRIGGIN' MIND?!!!

Yes, but you are not chopped liver, and, like me, you can acquire and use secret weapons of mass destruction. Here is how the game went:

The teens took the ball out. They passed the ball back and forth. I pressed each one as he received the ball. I told them not to go easy on me--"play your best game...give it one hundred percent." I, in turn, gave the game only 75%. I also talked a lot of smack, "Is that all you've got, girls?"

Calling them "girls," of course, infuriated them. It only motivated them to push even harder! They scored basket after basket. They blew by me on each play...for the first TEN minutes.

Then it was my turn. I was still giving the game my 75% effort. My mom wouldn't be proud--she would be scratching her head. You see, after the first ten minutes of play, I was the only one on the court scoring. When the game was over, the final score was old man: 22...two strapping youths: 14.

How To Beat Players Who Are Younger, Stronger, Faster and Better Than You

OK...OK, you have been patient; it is now time to reveal my secret weapons of mass destruction:

1. Cardiovascular conditioning: For the last thirty years I have not played much basketball, but I have done a lot of running, swimming, biking, and aerobic/anaerobic exercise.

The two teens, by contrast, play on their high school basketball team; however, I noticed that the coach hardly ever makes them run for any extended period of time. Occasionally, he will make the team do wind sprints up and down the court--but only as a form of punishment. When the team plays well, the coach rewards them by letting them rest--they mostly stand around, or sit on the bench listening to the coach give long-winded speeches that would make George Bush stutter with envy.

That means, my friend, that the two yoots I done whipped have a weakness: They lack stamina. It was only a matter of time (around ten minutes) they would run out of Michael-Jordan juice.

2. Never give 110%: I'm sure you've heard the expressions, "Give it all you got! Give it 110%..ad nausea..."--WRONG! Years ago I read an article (I believe it was in Swimmer's Magazine) that revealed that when you double your speed or intensity during an athletic endeavor, you cube the amount of energy you use.

Basically, that means if you are burning 10 calories per hour while jogging or swimming at a leisurely pace, you will be burning 10 X 10 X 10 = 1000 calories per hour when you double your speed. This fact explains why you fatigue quickly if you pace yourself too fast at any sport.

Going 100% also causes you to go from an aerobic state (where you can go the distance) to an anaerobic state (where you tire quickly). In an anaerobic state your lungs cannot ingest enough oxygen to prevent the lactic acid build up in your muscles. As a result, your arms and legs get heavy, fatigued and feel like rubber to the point where even your grandma could beat you at your sport if she's fresh.

3. Give Only 75%: At 75% effort, you can still play with speed and intensity--and you will be able to play at that speed and intensity ALL FRIGGIN' DAY! While your superior opponents are gasping for air and calling "time out!" You, like the tortoise, will slowly but surely prevail over the impetuous hares.

4. No time outs: This rule is so important. If you give those young punks time to rest, they might recover and beat you! Your pride and ego won't allow it--so don't even go there!

5. Take the Easy Shots: "Hey sissy-boy! I bet you can't make that three-point shot!" I would shout, while standing near the basket. You see, teens have egos too. They like to take the hard outside shots. When they missed (which was often), I would get the rebound and make an easy lay-up--TWO POINTS for the old greaser in the gray trunks!

6. Egg them on: Always encourage your adversaries to give the game their best (110%). When they do, they will fatigue sooner and turn into rag dolls. Make fun of them! Call them "girly-men!" Doing so will make them mad. Anger makes them play even harder! Within 10 minutes you will be the king of the court!

HIGH FIVE!