How to Become an Assassin for Hire, Part 2

You've done it. You're an assassin now, and you've been killing people for the better part of 2 years. On your last job, you stealthily broke the neck of an unsuspecting United States Congressman while he was sipping a martini aboard his cruise ship. Then you quickly made it appear as though he slipped and fell down some stairs. For your efforts, your employer wires a cool two million into your Deustche account.

On your free time, you enjoy frequenting the Black Dragon Lounge in the red light district of Beijing, where they offer the finest herbal teas and superb erotic massages. The best thing about the place is that all customer identities and transactions are kept strictly confidential, at least that's what you thought. Not that it matters though, considering you have at least half a dozen fake identities at your disposal. And then it happens. You're getting a deep back tissue massage one night when your beautiful masseuse pulls a knife on you and attempts to stab you in the back. But two years of intense assassin training didn't come easy, and with lightning quick reflexes you narrowly avoid her knife and roll out of the way. After disarming the would-be-assassin, you make sweet love to her and persuade her to spill all her secrets. It turns out your former employer wants you killed. He's put out a 15 million dollar bounty on your head and you don't know why. But the danger is real. Such a large sum of money would attract your greatest assassin rivals as well as amateurs from all around the world. "Your days are numbered," the masseuse whispers to you. Without another word you pull out your pistol and shoot her dead. She would talk eventually, and you can't afford that kind of risk. Also, she was too skillful in the sack, and you felt weak around her. But now the question remains: What do you do? How to survive?

First let's make a couple assumptions:

1. Your former employer, who now wants you killed, is a powerful man. He could be a Congressman. A Senator. Hell, he could even be the president. In any case, let's keep in mind that he's not some common thug but rather a man who cannot be trifled with.

2. You are a top notch assassin. You've established that from 2 years of hard work and training. You're nothing like the fat, useless you who used to have a family and worthless job 3 years ago. In fact, the word has gotten around that you never failed a job. Well, there was that one time you let that one alcoholic get away, but luckily for you, he was killed hours later by a drunk driver. Oh, the irony! And everyone thought it was a masterful cover-up done by you!

3. Friends? You have none. There's nothing worse than extra baggage to reveal the dirty secrets of your past. And God forbid you actually have anyone you care for. Any assassin knows that such feelings are weaknesses, and since you're the best, you have nobody you care about. Hmph! But you do have "acquaintances." That is, the people you contact, under your disguise and code name of course, to acquire your jobs and targets. And within days of the attempt on your life, one of those acquaintances is brutally murdered. Oh no! Wait, oh yeah. You don't really care. But that does mean that he probably spilled the beans on everything he knew about you. Oh no!

4. You're filthy rich. A billionaire? Not quite. But you did just hit 100 million with the last job. You get money from your employers, but you also steal a lot from the jobs as well. Like that last job where your employer had you kill a wealthy French baron. Your take from jewels alone was more than 20 million. Needless to say, you can buy anything short of Picasso's "Garcon a la Pipe." But you'd steal that thing for kicks anyway. Did I mention you're a great thief?

Now let's get down to the business of staying alive when 200 of the world's top assassins are after you.

1. Stay low. A beautiful masseuse just tried to kill you. The next thing you know, a goddamn clown might be chasing you down the street trying to kill you with some cotton candy. There's a 15 million dollar bounty on your head remember? The best move to make right now is to stay out of sight and keep a low profile. Try the caves in the remote mountainous region between the Afghani-Pakistan border. Rumor is that they have great accommodations there.

2. Change your appearance. Ever since you started the whole assassin business, you've already gone through four facial surgery operations. You don't even remember what you really used to look like anymore. So it wouldn't be a big deal to change it one more time. Head to Miami and visit your favorite nip/tuck Doctor. Offer him an exorbitant amount of money for quick surgery with absolute confidentiality. This time, you should refrain from giving yourself that Steven Seagal look. Contrary to popular opinion, looking like the man won't help you at all in your kung fu skills. And you already tried! Oh, and once you're finished with the change, don't forget to kill your Doctor and burn all records linking him to you.

3. Get information. As soon as you change your appearance, you need to start getting some information. Sure, the masseuse told you that it was your former employer. But how credible is her information? For all you know, she might be a pawn in some grand scheme to bring aliens to earth and murder Paris Hilton. It's time you contact one of your "acquaintances." When you do, disguise your voice or send him a text message. Whatever you need to do to tell him you're not you but rather a newbie assassin looking for a new job. Tell him you're interested in a job with good dividends, but don't sound too eager to ask specifically about the job to assassinate you because that might arouse suspicion. If that doesn't work, or all your contacts are already dead, you can try plan B. Find a local Motel 8 or other shoddy motel and rent a room. Lay a masterful trap for about eight hitmen. Call your former employer from the motel phone and tell him your favorite SOB story. Make sure the phone call lasts at least 5 minutes before you say, "OK, allllrighty, bye bye now!" Then wait for the hitmen to arrive. Spring the trap, but make sure you keep one of the men alive. Get him to spill his beans. Torture accordingly. You can even use your dreaded testicle clamp technique! Once you get the information you need, burn the motel down.

3. Kill the source. There's no way you want to deal with all the assassins gunning for your blood. You need to kill the person who put the bounty on your head, then make it crystal clear to the rest of underworld that the incentive to kill you no longer exists. But this won't be easy considering the source, your former employer, is a powerful and corrupt individual. Not only does he have his private posse of well dressed thugs around him everywhere he goes, but he also has government body guards protecting him for every public appearance. Killing him in public would take too much work, if you want to get away with it that is, and you're way to lazy for that. The best way to kill such a man is to expose his personal weaknesses. Almost all powerful men have an issue with sex or their sexuality. It's a fact. Check the encyclopedia. Some are gay, others are adulterers, and many more are pedophiles. Use lots of money to hire the best known whores and lure your former employer to a private place where you have a trap ready for him. If it works out, you may feel compelled to use a camera rather than your pistol. In this day and age, public humiliation is so much worse than death. Just look at poor John Edwards! If your former employer doesn't have notable weaknesses to any of the seven deadly sins, you may have to resort to dirty tactics. Kidnap the person closest to him and threaten to cut off their precious limbs unless your demands are met. Since he's corrupt, it's unlikely that he'll make the matter public lest he risk exposing his involvement in assassins and shady bank transactions, but make sure you have a backup plan for government intervention. And by backup I mean your trusty .45 USP and .50C Desert Eagle.

4. Expose the non-existence of the bounty. Once you make your kill or blackmail the man to revoke the bounty on your head, you must do everything you can to make the victory public. Use your pocket Web cam and record a short video of your former employer's gruesome death, then upload it onto YouTube. Considering the fact that your former employer was a prominent public figure, it won't be hard to think of a provocative video title. Simply use his name in the same line as death, gay, sex or Easter bunny and it's guaranteed to be a hit. Just in case the government coerces YouTube to shut down the video, send a copy of the video to National Enquirer and CNN. The corpse? Dump it in front of ABC News headquarters, then sit back and enjoy the show.

5. Run away. Corrupt or not, your former employer's death will cause enough of a ruckus in the media and government to cause the world to have a goddamn orgasm. Everyone from the FBI to Reno 911 and Dick Tracy will be looking to nab the killer. It's time to run away to a good hideout, preferably one outside country. You know where Superman goes to in Antarctica? Yeah, go there and do some intense meditation until this whole thing blows over. Rumor is that the fish are so fresh down there, and you love building igloos!

After about two years in arctic isolation, return to civilization with a renewed sense of purpose. You've done it. You've eliminated the assassination threat to you made by a powerful former employer. Now it's time to get back to the business of doing what you do best. Yes, it's time to kill uh.... more random people. The assassin business is so great!