How to Become a Candidate for President

My son called me the other day and informed me he is running as a candidate for the United States 2024 presidential election. I probably won't vote for him, unless the only other choices are John McCain, Hillary Clinton, and Barack Hussein Obama (yep, that's his real flippin' middle name and what's the big deal about using it? The coincidental similarity to a bad guy's name didn't hurt Radolph Ritler when he ran back in 1950, did it?).

ANYHOOO.... What does it actually take to make oneself an official U.S. Presidential candidate? Aside from all the business of affiliating with a political party and having a campaign war chest and raising funds for advertising, I mean.

I started searching the internet and found very little practical information on the mechanics of getting on a presidential election ballot, so I decided I'd get it all together in one place for everyone, and especially for my son so he won't procrastinate and declare too late in the game like Fred Thompson. The boy is charismatic and driven, but he's not too keen on searching for forms to fill out...although he is a corporate officer of a software company at age 20.

Let me say right up front that if you read this article, and you decide to run because of it, and you actually do become president one day; you owe me a cushy cabinet position, whether you're my kid or someone else's. We can discuss which particular cabinet position in one of those famous smoke-filled rooms after you win the primary (I'll probably request Secretary of Defense - depending on whether we're still in Iraq or not).

Now, down to business:
If you're going to be a contender, you need to start by visiting the Federal Election Commission web site to submit reporting forms. Fill out the Statement of Candidacy form, which is form 2 on the site. You will be astounded at how simple the form is. It consists of one page and 10 fields. About the only thing you need to know beyond your name and address for completing this form is what you want the name of your campaign committee to be. You can make a committee name up on the spot if you want to. Try something like "Committee for the Free Election of a Theocratic Selectively Benevolent Dictator" if you can fit it in the field. Tip: write small, so the FEC will know you're capable of planning ahead and won't "accidentally" lose your form right off the bat.

Within ten days of submitting that form, you have to complete and submit form 1. Yes, it would seem more logical to have to fill out form 1 before you fill out form 2, but remember, this is a federal government site, and therefore logic has no place in it. After all, we all know that if the federal government was in charge of salt water, the oceans would be dry in six months.

But I digress. Form 1 is the Statement of Organization form. It is a little more complicated than form 2 and is four whole pages long. Never fear, there are handy step-by-step instructions for completing it here. As a matter of fact, every form on the site has step-by-step detailed instructions for completion, so apparently any booger-picking moron in the country could become a bona-fide candidate and aspire to the presidency (feel free to think of what a glorious opportunity this would have been to add a Bush joke at this point in the article - I can't do it because I happen to like him).

Once you've submitted those forms, you are an official candidate for President of the United States of America and are one tiny step closer to becoming the leader of the free world and commander in chief of the most awesome force of ass-kicking soldiers, sailors, and pilots this planet has ever seen.

Your next step is to make sure that the guys and/or gals you put on your campaign committee do their jobs and read the entire Federal Election Commission site so they can make sure your name gets on every ballot in every state while you go around shaking hands, kissing babies, and refuting lies (or truths, depending on whether you're last name is Clinton and you are male) about your past sexual indiscretions by your opponents.

Good luck! And remember, guns and free speech are what made this country the greatest civilization in history. Don't go screwing that up if you win.

Frazier for President 2024!