How to Become a Good Writer

If you're here to learn "how to become a good writer" I'm afraid I must inform you that you are reading the wrong article.
Certainly this article will cover my attempts and misadventures in becoming a good writer (which itself is quite subjective), but in no way does it guarantee nor virtually guarantee that you'll get anything out of it but a cheap laugh.

Now, with that out of the way, here we go.

I wanted to be a writer. In fact, I wanted to be a good writer, but I had to admit that I hadn't a clue where to start. So, I went ahead with the obvious and collected some writing utensils, plenty of paper, and opened a blank Word Document, but nothing was coming out. Writer's block they call it.

Well I knew that. What I needed was a remedy. A few mouse clicks later and I was at Google unearthing nothing but indirect advice, obnoxious suggestions, and "TURN BACK! DANGER!" signs.

The most frequent obnoxious suggestion, and my current favorite is, "A writer is someone who writes."

Really? Well, I guess it's better advice than, "A writer is someone who goes outside to mow the lawn and shuts up about this silly writing nonsense," which is the advice I received from my Father back when I was a teenager.

Another piece of advice I uncovered was to not think of what you write as being important. This seems a tad contradictory. Most of us write things down because we find something important (worth writing down) and don't want to lose it. However, I will concede to the fact that the lines of importance must be drawn somewhere, otherwise there will be a flood of grocery lists, sentences starting with "Dude, I totally..." and "things my cat did today" essays.

What else? Don't plan on getting paid, at all, unless you are very, very lucky. How to go about gauging if you are lucky is quite simple. Go out, purchase a lottery ticket, and wait. If you win, you are in the clear and can go about writing for a living, although after winning the lottery why would you?
Perhaps there are other ways to tell if you're lucky, but none that I would suggest, not if I hope to avoid any and all future lawsuits.

How about advice from famous authors?
Mark Twain recommended killing any an all adjectives to improve one's writing, but he doesn't suggest a weapon. In my experience procrastination does wonders in killing adjectives, verbs, nouns, and a fair share of summer days.

Isaac Asimov suggests acquiring a great deal of rejection (which I have), but notes this should be taken in stride (good luck). Editors "don't reject writers; [they] reject pieces of paper with typing on them."

Cervantes' once said, "Let every man ... not set down at random, higgle-de-piggledy, whatever comes into his noodle."
Not sure what he meant by that. Perhaps it had something to do with the cat essays.

Well, there you have it. If you want to be a good writer, don't plan on getting paid, don't find yourself or what you write important, and don't be surprised if someone has already written something similar to what you have.