How to Become Happy (And How to Stop Seeking "Outside Acceptance")

Happiness is a strange quality-it is hard to pin down precisely, yet we all know when it is present or absent in our lives. One of the greatest roadblocks to true happiness is our addiction to "external events" and outside opinions of us.

For example, let's see if any of these situations sound familiar to you:

- You do well on an exam or beat departmental expectations at work and suddenly you feel happy. This "happiness" fades as soon as your boss forgets your name or your professor gives you poor marks on the next test.

- You are happy until your partner says she is interested in someone else and no longer wants to see you. Your inner happiness vanishes and only misery or self-doubt are left in its place.

- Your happiness turns to terror as you see your retirement plan or "just-in-case" investment account get decimated by outside market forces. Although you felt wealthy or fortunate just months ago, you are now filled with a quiet bitterness that will not subside.

All of these are examples of happiness going away when our external circumstances change. It is easy to be happy when you are winning-the trick is to keep the same level of happiness when things are not going as you planned, when there are many challenges ahead of you.

First of all, you need to detach from what others think-your happiness should not come from promotions at work, a profitable investment account, or comments from a spouse or significant other.

You need, as a crucial foundation, a self-love that will not go away even if you become a blind pauper tomorrow. When you realize that you are doing the BEST you can at every possible moment, and that nothing more can reasonably be expected of you, it is easier to love oneself.

When you realize that you have gifts no one else will ever have, it is easier to reconnect with this wellspring of love for oneself. You write, speak, walk, sleep, and even cough in ways that are uniquely your own. No one else will write an email exactly as you do or find things funny in quite the same way as you.

You are as unique as a snowflake on a cool winter day, irreproducible and temporary, yet beautiful. To base your self-worth on the petty concerns of others, and on impersonal metrics such as test scores or bank account statements, is to demean yourself in an inexcusable way. Be kind to yourself and others will become kind to you; they will sense your dignity and pride, and assume you are a person worthy of dignity and respect.

Never sell yourself short and never criticize yourself if you have tried your best. Much of what happens to us in life is beyond our immediate control. All we can do is put our cards on the table and then step away, gracefully, to see what cards the other players are holding.