How to Become a Professional Soap Opera Viewer

What is an expert? According to the Free Dictionary. Org, an expert is defined in this way; " An experienced person -one instructed by experience; one who has skill, experience, or extensive knowledge in his calling or in a special branch of learning. Merriam Webster defines an expert a little more simply; " having, involving, or displaying special skill or knowledge developed from training or experience.

These definitions would lead most people to assume that being an expert in many disciplines would be easy to attain. It would also be simple to surmise that after many years on this planet a human being could not help but achieve the status of "expert" on a multitude of disciplines.

These definitions also lead me to believe to that one of the most interesting expert disciplines I have achieved is that of professional soap opera viewer. Luckily, I was able to apprentice under my mother, one of the most polished soap opera viewers of all time.

So, let's begin.

In order to watch soap operas with a professional eye towards excellence, first one must understand the five traditional storylines that will always appear in a soap opera at one time or another. Now, keep in mind, these are the traditional paradigms. There will always be break-out storylines, such as transsexual characters, or people from another planet. However, most soap operas do not employ these right off the bat!

1) Coming back from the dead. This is a tried and true soap opera storyline. Known experts, such as my mother's friend, Bella, advise that this storyline was developed when characters wanted to go on long vacations, travel to Hollywood to see if they could be on a sitcom, or just got sick of their character. The roots of the storyline, while not clearly known, will appear in the majority of soaps. 'Sometimes with a whole new face" says one of the best soap opera stars on TV.

2) Hate at First Sight - All love relationships begin on soap operas with a vigorous hatred toward the one who will be most loved in the end. This adds to the passion. It can also lend itself to a sub storyline with a third party involvement ( a husband, wife, parent, or bratty kid) Most experienced soapers know that once a hate-filled relationship begins the two will end up between the sheets. But, what is better than extreme dislike to get the old juices rolling?

3) Blowing up the Town - In most cases this involves any kind of disaster, from a fire, bomb, or tornado, to an old building falling all over most of the characters on the show. This usually occurs when the writers of the show are getting lots of email telling them what a drag the show is. For some reason most viewers think the writers are to blame for sluggish soap operas, Who would have thought?

4) The Secret - The secret can be anything. Such as finding out that the town villain is the father of a sweet, young socialite, to learning that a beloved character has a different name and comes from a very rich family. All are utilized to bring suspense, tears, and pure shock to the audience. Most of the time, the secret keeps the dedicated viewer coming back day after day as well.

5) Amnesia- This storyline used to be a regular event on most soap operas, but has been used so much that it has fallen out of favor. However, it does need to included or readers will think I forgot about it.

As anyone can see soap operas have definite structural parameters. The new viewer need only learn these storylines to be ahead of the pack when starting their soap opera viewing career. However, it is always great to become an apprentice. There are many people who would love to take a newbie under their wing.
The best way to accomplish this is to put together a bag of chips, diet coke, and an ironing board. Why an ironing board? Oh, that's how I began my career. My mother always ironed and watched her soaps at the same time. She also talked to the soap opera characters. Need I say more?