How to Become a World Class Non-Skier

For the most part, I like skiers. Both of my kids and numerous friends are skiers. And I am certain that skiing brings massive tourist dollars to my state, resulting in substantial revenue to businesses and workers in the hospitality industry.

I don't want to be a skier. I have managed to live a complete life without indulging in the sport and expect to continue to do so. I congratulate myself annually on the dollars I've saved with not buying lift tickets and the assorted ski gear that others gleefully purchase. In the process of not being a skier, however, I've gotten pretty adept at doing so on a world-class level.

On those occasions where I'm asked if I'm a skier, I generally reply with a smile. "No, I'm a writer." Or better yet, "No, I'm a scholar." Or "No, I'm a golfer." Or just "No." If you're from this state, most likely you are going to look at me as if I am an alien or an idiot, even though we both know that I'm in an advantage position, at least fiscally and maybe otherwise.

The best approach is not to offer any explanation at all as to why I don't ski. It's especially fun to appear knowledgeable about the sport. The way to do it is to ask what kind of skis they have (even though I don't know one from another) or where they ski. In that case, I can reply that my daughter likes Beaver Creek for reasons that she has expressed to me.

To further enhance my status as a world-class non-skier, I find it convenient to ask questions such as "I thought you had bad knees. How do you manage that?." This is not meant to ridicule the decision to ski with bad knees as much as to suggest gently that other endeavors might be more knee-friendly. I also ask, "How did you get started skiing?" as a way to be interested in what they do without wanting to participate. This is great for perpetuating conversation without appearing to be a wimp who is too cowardly to ski.

Finally, if pushed to some sort of response as to why I don't join the many thousands of people who do ski gear and lift tickets, my answer is (almost) true, "My doctor prohibits it." Again, no further amplification is necessary. I'm glad to accompany to a ski resort and congratulate myself on the fact that no-one has ever been injured while drinking hot cider in front of a lodge fireplace.

I suppose that I'm limiting myself in terms of gratifying outdoor sporting activity. And I mean no disrespect or insult to those who participate. My only point is that in a place such as Colorado, if you're not going to ski, you'd better be good at it.