How Becoming a Parent Altered My Life Experiences and Perspectives

Lifestyle changes are appropriate and often, if not usually, necessary once you become a parent. New parents may find their social circle, friends, music and television choices, activities and hobbies, careers, and schedule rapidly evolving to meet the demands of parenthood. Visiting with old friends who do not have children may become awkward once you have your own children. Many parents discover that life after children is quite different than life before children.

I remember the impact I felt with the birth of my first son in 1989. One particularly significant memory that stands out in my mind is the day I was driving in the car listening to some 1980s heavy rock on the cassette deck. I suddenly looked at my baby boy in his car seat, thought about the music that was playing over the speakers, and turned off the stereo. I did not assume that my son was processing or understanding the music playing in the car - but I did not want to expose him to the music I had been playing. My lifestyle, right down to my choices in music, began to evolve when I became a parent. This was one of many life-changing moments.

Parenting is not about you (or me)

Your life stops being about you when you become a parent - or at least mine did. I readily understood that my child, and later my children, needed me for every single thing. My children could not eat, clean themselves, dress themselves, transport themselves, or in any way take care of their own needs when they were babies. My children depended on me for every little thing.

I learned quickly that parenting was not about the parent. Parenting was about the child. The focus of my life could no longer be what I wanted, or what I felt like doing at the moment. The focus of my life was providing for the safety, security, comfort, and well being of my precious children.

Parenting brings its' own rewards

Parenting brings tremendous joy and fulfillment. I never minded caring for my children. Of course I was tired on occasion and wished they would just go to sleep or stop crying, but I never resented needing to care for my little children. It was a joy in its own way to provide for someone who could not provide for themself.

Being a parent is one of the best and most fulfilling parts of my life. I can't imagine life without my children. Even though three of my children are now grown, and the youngest is half-way through high school, I still find joy in being a father. Whatever stress, work, or sacrifices have been involved with raising my four children, it was a small price to pay for the joy of being a dad.

Parents never stop worrying

I have learned though that you never stop worrying about your kids - no matter how old they are. My wife used to provide homecare for a wonderful, elderly woman who was in her nineties. This elderly woman had several children of her own, all of whom were old enough to collect social security, and she called each of them every day. She used to tell my wife, "You never stop worrying about your kids no matter how old they are." The older my own children grow, the more I understand the wisdom in what this elderly woman said. I have not stopped worrying about them just because they are mostly grown and on their own.

Recently my only daughter moved away from home. She is now married to a wonderful man who is enlisted in the US Navy. My daughter is a very capable young woman who can take care of herself in any situation; her husband loves her deeply and looks out for her as well. I couldn't be happier for them. However, none of this stops me from worrying about her on a regular basis. A text message or phone call that goes unanswered leaves me worrying if everything is alright. To love is to care and to be concerned about the welfare of another above your own needs or concerns. I don't think I will ever stop worrying about my children no matter how old they grow and how successful they become.

You never stop being a parent

You don't stop being a parent just because your kids grow to be adults. Rather, you become a parent of adult children. This is challenging on several levels. I have heard many parents express a desire for their children to be grown so that they could be free of parenting responsibilities. I do not believe this ever really happens.

My experience has been that the parent-child relationship matures and evolves - but continues. Three of my children are grown - one is in the military, one is married and works in equine management, and another is attending college. I am still their parent even though they are grown. Our relationships have matured. I no longer attempt to tell them what to do; rather, I offer counsel and advice when it is requested or sought. Sometimes they take my advice, other times they do not. Regardless, I am still their parent and they need me to be their parent.

One of my sons recently experienced some legal trouble. The situation was serious enough to cause a good bit of distress in the family, but not as serious as it could have been. He still needed his dad even though he was an adult. This was another of those life-changing moments for both of us. From financial help, to legal advice, to a place to live, my role as a father was clearly not finished.