How to Behave and What Not Do at a Wake

There are very few people who can honestly say they enjoy going to wakes. Being put into a position where you cannot really do anything about anything can be a very frustrating and emotionally draining affair. You know that you cannot bring the departed back to life and you can only marginally assist the grieving relatives so what can you concentrate on to distract yourself and manage to get through this unpleasant time? Considering what to do and what not to do at a wake can help you to know that you are at least acting appropriately during this difficult time.

1. Should you go to this wake The obvious first step you can take to displaying appropriate wake behavior is to determine in advance whether or not to attend a particular wake. There are some wakes that are rather no brainers. Relatives, family friends, work colleagues all generally land on the list of wakes you probably should attend. But there are many wakes which really seem to fall into no man's land like old neighbors who once were close but who you have lost contact with, relatives of people with whom you once were close, recently made acquaintances and the list goes on.

The point is outside of the "the must attends" there are many wake situations where your attendance is a rather arbitrary event. To do the right thing perhaps the best thing to do is consider if your presence at the wake has the potential of really providing some degree of comfort for someone among the bereaved or not. If you know that you will simply be just another face in a sea of faces then it is often acceptable to simply send a sympathy card and skip the formal appearance. Just remember your decision should be based on what you can offer by way of support and how it might be received..

2. Dress Respectfully Having decided to attend, your next minor consideration should be what to wear. A wake is not a place to make a fashion statement. So your selection of attire really only needs to produce an outfit that will not be inappropriate. You should find something to wear that is not meant to call attention to you, so certainly nothing loud or flashy need come out of the closet. Nor should you wear something that next week you will wear to a night club or after hours joint. Modesty may be a word we seldom use but it should characterize what you appear in at a wake. Similarly dressing for a wake should not be like dressing to go out gardening or playing tennis. You don't have to put on formal garb but you should also not look like you have just stopped in between innings of a ball game.

Dress should not be a major concern as our society has slipped well into informality. Just remember the basics and remember that this appearance is really and truly not about you.

3. Acknowledging the bereave The point of going to a wake is to offer to survivors of the deceased your heartfelt and sincere condolences on the occasion of their loss. And so when your opportunity comes to speak to members of the family those thoughts should dominate your conversation. Remember that for the most part the bereaved are in a rather numb state. They will likely try to be cordial but the blank stares that may greet you have little to do with what you say or even how you say it and lots more to do with the bereaved's state of mind.

Still you can be of help to the bereaved when you speak to them by keeping two thoughts in mind. First, do what parents tell their children, use your inside voice. For the shattered minds of those who have lost someone, the grating sound of a loud human voice can be one annoyance that can be done without. So approach respecting the situation and the person. Second, your conversation really should be limited to an expression of compassion and should not extend to an interrogation regarding the death of the deceased. If the bereaved wants to pursue that discussion that of course is another story. Then your job is to lend, once again a compassionate ear.

4. Consider the Crowd When attending a wake good etiquette indicates that when you are talking to members of the family of the deceased you should bear in mind the number of others who may be waiting for an opportunity to do the same. No matter how close you may be to the family you must show respect for the situation and after a few words move on and give your place to others. You will always have the opportunity in the future to stop by ,pick up the phone or send a letter to complete your words of consolation or offer your assistance. Overstaying your alloted few minutes can be unintentional, that's why its useful to review what you are going to do at a wake before you get there. Not taking too much time with the bereaved, especially at a busy wake is an important thing to consider.

5. Visit others present After you have had the chance to speak with the bereaved, then it is appropriate to mingle quietly with others in attendance . It is possible that there will be many there who you will know and it is not inappropriate to use the occasion to share a few moments with other family members, neighbors or friends as long as conversations are appropriate for the situation. If you feel that you want to pass some extended remarks with someone, the best etiquette is to invite the person into a separate room or outside for a less formal and more normal atmosphere for conversation.

6. Sign In Most funeral parlors present visitors with the opportunity to sign a guest book. The point of the book is to allow the bereaved to sit down later at their convenience and review in their mind the consoling thoughts expressed by those who attended the wake. Often the wake is such a blur that people forget or become confused about who was present.

Signing in also allows the bereaved, if they wish, to acknowledge the kindness of those who took the time to attend. Many books are set up to furnish both the name and address to make the acknowledgment process easier. Don't misunderstand , signing the book is not asking for a thank you, it is a real assist to those who have been through the arduous hours of a wake. You are doing them a favor and it is good etiquette to complete the funeral book .

7 Spiritual Bouquet, Cards In some faiths it is an acceptable gesture to bring a spiritual bouquet or other religious card for the family to the wake. The funeral director will make a receptacle available for such missives. Some people get very up tight about such things. They panic if they don't have that magic card in their hands. The fact that you have come in person to express your sympathy is what is of primary value at a wake. Any other connection can be made via the mail. You can always send out a spiritual bouquet or sympathy card after the fact. Don't let the fact that you don't have the time to pick up a spiritual bouquet keep you from lending your personal support to someone who may really just want to see your face.

8. Be Yourself Going to a wake is an extension of yourself into emotional waters. The people you are visiting with have clear knowledge of who you are. A wake is not the time to establish a different personality. If you decide to go to the wake, make sure it is you that shows up. It can certainly be your cleaned up, courteous, caring image but still you none the less.

9. Keep Your Emotions in Check One reason it is important to think through a wake before attending is because it is a very emotional setting. If you need to , have a good cry before you go. Whatever you do, don't save your emotions for the wake. If you become emotional try to remove yourself from the area where the bereaved are so as to not further upset them. Remind yourself that you are there to help and to be supportive not to drag anyone else down. Also remind yourself that there will be time in an hour or so for you to be as emotional as you want. On the other hand sometimes you just can't help yourself, if tears come make as little notice of them as you can and carry on with just being yourself.

10. Remember what is happening One of the most important bits of etiquette you can pack and take with you to a wake is the realization of what is really happening. Unless you are the deceased or the immediate family, the wake is not about you. Your behavior to be appropriate needs to demonstrate clearly that you are a supporting actor in this drama . Your appropriate dress, quiet manner, and gentle compassion can go a long way to making your appearance at any wake helpful to those who need you.