How to Be a Better Youth Sports Coach

I was talking with my college-aged son recently when the conversation turned to the time we spent together as coach and player in youth soccer. My son said, "You know dad, I can't remember a single game we played. But I do remember the practices. We had a lot of fun."

His comment surprised me in some respects. Admittedly, I've always been one to consider games, wins and losses as measures of success. But my son's observation got me thinking about how the coaching process changes you. As a youth sports coach I've made plenty of mistakes over the years, but I've tried to learn from them and keep key priorities in order. Here are helpful hints for anyone involved in coaching youth sports.

Parent Coach? Try to keep it all in perspective.

Being both a parent and a coach is a difficult balancing act. On one hand you have to be careful not to play favorites with your child or his friends. On the other hand you don't want to be too hard on your own kid either. The best way to handle this balance is to make sure you have a real conversation with every player at every game or practice. Conversation builds relationships. You will have a healthier overall picture of the team's attitude by talking with every player. This also builds the perception in your own child that your expectations are evenly distributed.

Resist the youth sports "machine"

Don't get carried away by the hype machine that is youth sports today. When my son's traveling soccer club got turned over to a competitive sports management company, they tried to phase out the parent-coaching program and raise the fees by 1000%. The families on our team and several others stuck together by demanding that an affordable, parent-coached alternative be maintained. Years later the recreational soccer league that originally chartered our team restored its traveling soccer program with parent coaches and affordable fees. This alternative allows athletes to participate in competitive sports without the high expense and potential burnout of more intensive programs.

Be a teacher, not a criticizer

Teach the sport you are coaching to the best of your ability. Get help in areas you don't understand. Affirm your coaching with encouragement for the positives rather than criticizing what your athletes do wrong. Athletes need to make mistakes in order to learn. Sometimes mistakes are the only way an athlete learns the true consequences of doing something the wrong way. If you learn to accept this process, you will generally see children trying harder rather than quitting. Sometimes teammates with leadership abilities will do most of the coaching for you, especially on the playing field. You'll see a remarkable enthusiasm in athletes you encourage and a depressing lack of joy in the kids and teams you habitually criticize.

Either watch or play the sport you're coaching

Some of us get thrown into coaching sports we've never really played. That happened to me in coaching youth soccer, where my real playing experience ended in the 7^th grade. I thought I knew what I was doing at first, then realized to my horror that I knew very little about how the dynamics of how positioning really worked. Thank God I had assistants and paid trainers who helped guide this process. I welcomed this help from other coaches who could nurture vital skills and knowledge in our players. I also always tried to find assistants who shared our general team philosophy on positive training.

Around the time my kids stopped playing soccer, I joined an adult soccer league and gained real appreciation for the effort my kids and their teammates had shown over the years. I wish it had been the other way around, that I had been able to play more before coaching. But there is only so much time in a day. I was not willing to participate in indoor soccer leagues with games that started at midnight! But even if you can't play the game you coach, you should go watch a high school, college or pro sports team. You'll gain from the experience.

Speak up at practices. Hold your tongue at games.

As a beginning coach, I always yelled at my kids on the field. Go here. Do this! No! Go there! It was a very hard habit to break, and I was never completely successful.

Well, Guess What? Almost none of that yelling during the game really works. You are much better off observing or taking notes during games, then going over it during practice than you are yelling at the kids to play right and do better. It took me ten years of coaching to learn how to shut up, take notes and coach for the following week. I did meet many coaches along the way who knew this secret. Their teams were always aware of the finer points of the game and played with thought and elegance.

It is important to make decisions during the game, for sure. Handle the substitutions and talk to kids on the sidelines about their play. But overall, your job is keeping the flow going, not to try to control every move by every player by yelling at them.

Save your breath again. Don't yell at referees or umpires.

Yelling at referees is unethical and counterproductive to your teaching role as a coach. If you have a genuine and legitimate complaint that a referee has been shirking his or her duties, endangering the players with no-calls or other seemingly biased or irresponsible practices, use the system provided by most leagues to voice your concerns. Fill out the referee assessment card, or call the league office calmly a few days after a bad game and tell them what transpired. Some refs just have bad days, but some leagues have bad refs. Know the difference and how to handle it.

Bad sportsmanship hurts everyone.

Sometimes the other team can be a real pain in the neck. Some players use dirty tactics. Other teams bring fans that holler or threaten. I've even had an opposing coach follow me to my car after the game threatening to punch me out. I stood my ground, turned to face the man and said, "My family's right here. You do know how out of line you are right now." His anger instantly abated. He apologized and left. I still called the league office to inform them of the incident.

Some teams build a culture of bad sportsmanship around the confrontational personality of the coach. You can often tell right away when you're facing a situation like this. I always tried to size up the atmosphere on the sidelines before sending my kids on the field. Bad apple teams often stand out right from the start.

If things do get ugly on the field or sidelines, it is best to pull your players aside and explain to them the reason they are there to compete. Encourage them to be extra good sports. If one or more of them is threatened physically or verbally you have the right (even the obligation) to pull them out of the situation--even if it means your whole team comes off the field. Calmly explain your position to the managing umpire or referee. It takes courage to stand your ground in the face of bad sportsmanship. But it is important to do so.

Think 10 years ahead.

10 years from now, you won't remember most of the games you lost--got creamed, looked bad, played terrible, lost to your worst enemy or best friend. Lose. Lose. Lose. Win. Win. Win. In 10 years it's all the same. When you lose, make some notes about what went wrong and address them at the next practice. Forget about the results of a losing game. Concentrate instead on the fundamentals of why your team played poorly. That's the only thing that really matters to improvement. Then go home and get ready for the next game. You really won't remember the loss in a week. At least you shouldn't. The kids usually don't, or else they're laughing about it. It's not necessarily good to let them screw around if they're losing, but an occasional concession to being outclassed is understandable. One of our tall, normally gawky defenders decided to "cut up" and pull some fancy foot moves near the end of a 9-0 defeat against a premiere team in a tournament. By then it was an artful commentary on the fact that we had a lot of work to do. Was it going to kill us if they scored again? Not really. The levity made everyone play a little looser the last 10 minutes of the game. The other team never scored again. This is called "going with the flow." It's possible even in defeat.

Learn how to win

When you win it is easy to forget there are people watching you. There is nothing like victory to turn normally nice people into insensitive jerks. After any win, celebrate with class. Shake hands first. Thank the opponent for a good match. Then retreat to a place where the team can focus together on what went right. Talk happily, but quietly about your triumphs. Review the things that contributed to a good result. Also bring up things you can work on next time out. "We can always get better" is a more realistic and constructive perspective than "We're the best."

As a coach, be organized. Be consistent. Be reliable. Be happy.

Your first responsibility as a coach is to be organized so that you can better serve and advise the families whose children you are coaching. Make sure you have taken care of details like calling referees and confirming game site and times with the opposing coaches before you get in the car and travel to a game. This reduces undue stress so you can arrive at the game with a clear mind, not worried about issues that should be basic.

Once you are organized, be consistent. Stick by the plans you've drawn out even if they are not perfect. Set up a reasonable practice schedule and make the most of it. Be satisfied with this schedule and don't switch things around all the time. Finally, be reliable in your coaching duties. Make a commitment to be there for the kids in every situation. Be a positive role model in your behavior, speech and conduct whenever possible. You'll find you're much happier and can accept results good and bad when you're properly prepared and manage your own expectations of the coaching experience.

Ask for help, then gladly take what you get.

Do not try to do everything yourself! Many parents are willing to help if you ask them to do specific tasks. No one likes taking on nebulous or ill-defined responsibilities or doing all the dirty work. So spread the joy around. Ask a parent to help at practice each week. You may find an assistant coach. Never make assumptions or put artificial limits on other people's abilities. Even people who do not "look" the role of a coach often want to help. Their own limitations may be the very reason their child is enrolled in sports, in hopes they can avoid weight gain or other challenges physical or behavioral. Some of the best assistant coaches I ever had were people who could not run from one end of the soccer field to the other. But they were there for the kids at every turn. That's what's important. The kids know it, too. Parents who aren't all caught up in the youth sports mystique can add vital perspective in times of stress.

Laugh at mistakes. Sing in the car. Pull up a chair and watch. Carefully. And never rip your hat in two pieces.

The kids I coached love to tell the story about how I ripped my baseball cap in half one game. We had been playing badly to an absurd level. The refs were screwing up calls. Then one of my players got a red card for swearing when the opposing team scored a goal off a penalty kick. That's when I ripped my hat in two and threw it on the ground. Everyone around me fell down laughing. As stupid as the situation was on the field, my behavior was even stupider. So laugh sometimes at your mistakes. Make notes of how to improve rather than screaming out your frustrations. Bring a chair to the game and sit down. Vow to say nothing except "go get 'em" and "nice job" when kids go on and off the court or playing field. Learn self control. Demand it of yourself. Go to the game to learn rather than coach.

Once an opposing coach proposed we switch sides and coach each other's team. So we did it! The kids at first were freaked out, but we all gained from the experience. I would like to tell you that the game ended in a tie, but my kids lost. But they enjoyed themselves.

There you have it. A coaching primer for anyone currently or soon to be a coach. May you know joy, peace and personal organization on the sideline.