How to Break Up

The heart shaped, lavender scented candles from Valentine's Day have long since died. So have the flames of passion in your relationship. How do you know it's time to break up? Here are some clues:

Do you find yourself attracted to other people? Men, do you you start day dreaming about women other than your girlfriend? Has it gotten to the point where even the ugly women in your office seem attractive in comparison to your mate?

Do you become a zombie while you pretend to talk to your girlfriend? Let me guess: She talks to you for several hours and you numbly respond, "Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh," until your eyes roll back into their sockets.

When you make love to your girlfreind, do you fantasize about masturbating? If so, then it is time to end the relationship.

But how? Fake your own death? Unfortunately most police departments and insurance agencies frown upon this activity. Butb there's still hope. During the past year, I have surveyed over 200 college students, and they have shared with me their tried and true method for breaking up. Some of them suggested to simply break up without explanation or even contact: stop calling, stop answering your cell phone, stop text messaging. As one Moorpark College student explained, "Stop paying for things and she'll get the idea." However, this method might not work if the subject in question is a live-in girlfriend or a stalker.

Other students recommended a heartfelt face-to-face discussion. Most suggested meeting at a public place to minimize the chance of her screaming and throwing things. University of Washington Student, Matthew S., believes that, "You should be in a place with lots of people, but not a fancy restaurant; she might splash expensive wine in your face after you give her the bad news." Consider some of these locations: church picnics, libraries, funeral parlors. All of these choices will ensure a quiet break up with a minimal amount of drama.

Once you've selected the location, it's time to meet with her. Dress in respectable attire so that she doesn't have a lasting memory of you looking like a dork. But don't rent a tuxedo. Think business casual.

Now it's time to talk to her. For some reason, the students I interviewed did not want to openly say, "I'm not satisfied with the relationship and I want to stop seeing you." Instead, most opted for an indirect (and rather dishonest) approach. Here are some of the more popular ways to verbally kill the relationship:

"It's not you; it's me."
"I'm joining the Peace Corps."
"I'm joining the Marines."
"I'm joining a Marine in holy matrimony."
"Did I mention that I'm actually a priest."
"I've found religion. Let me tell you about a little something called Scientology..."
"Hey, look around the room. Now pick a person you want to take home and have a threesome with."

If she fails to take the hint, just fall over in your chair, bump your head, and pretend to have amesia. Bingo! Relationship terminated!

These may seem like cowardly ways to break up with a loved one, but most of the young men I interviewed prefered to fib rather than engaging in a sincere dialogue. So, if you can't handle talking about your feelings, now you've learned how to take the easy way out.

For the most part, the above information was geared towards men. What about the ladies? What can a gal do if she wants to make a clean break from her annoying mate? Simple: Sleep with his best friend. That oughta do it!