How to Make Brooding, Ex-Special Ops Portobello Mushroom Meatloaf

I've hunted everything from cows to portobello mushrooms . Sure, portobellos are marginally less elusive, but they're also considerably less dangerous.

Portobello mushrooms, after all, can't fight back. They can't chase you. They can't total the stolen cars you drive. I can't say the same for cows. That's why now I only hunt dead cows.

Luckily, this reduces the time I'm out in the open and left vulnerable to Sheriff Green and his deputies. He's had it out for me since I came into town, had a flashback and mistook his wife for the enemy. Of course, that was only after she asked me what time it was, so she had it coming.

It also shortens the time needed to make my brooding, ex-special ops portobello mushroom meatloaf. Still, I miss the thrill of the hunt and the joy in the kill! Kill! Kill!

I'll tell you how to make my brooding, ex-special ops portobello mushroom meatloaf. If you're captured with the information, though, you must disavow all knowledge of this recipe - no matter how much they torture you. If you tell anyone - ANYONE - about this recipe, or that you got it from me, I will find you. Oh yes, I will find you.

First, wait until after dusk. Then smear black, green and gray grease paint horizontally across your face. This will help you blend into the shadows and aid your stealth. Now, tie a bandanna around your head. Make the bandanna out of the shirt your love was wearing when she died in your arms from Sheriff Green's gunshot. Wear a tank top, long pants and heavy boots. When you strap your knife on, it's time to go hunting.

Steal a car and head to the supermarket - or as I call it, the hunting ground.

When the automatic doors to the grocery store open, dive through and roll. If you're in a hurry, crash the car through the glass doors. Crawl on your belly to the produce section. That's where the portobello mushrooms are. There are also enough places to hide and plenty of impromptu ammo to use if store personnel see you.

Grab three large portobello mushrooms for the recipe and four coconuts to use as weapons if you need them. Press your back against the wall and slowly - ever so slowly - inch your way over to the meat department.

There! Right there! A one pound package of hamburger! Get it! Move it soldier!

Grab the dead cow burger package, then open the base of your knife to get some twine out. Set the twine at a low level to trip anyone who dares follow you. Repeat the same technique to get barbecue sauce, eggs and oatmeal.

Now head to the check out. You probably found some loose money in the car you stole, so you can use that to pay for your goods. If you're anything like me, you're trying to live off the grid, so you don't have a frequent shopper card for that store. Grab the nearest civilian - preferably elderly or pregnant civilian - around the neck with your meaty arms and threaten bodily harm if somebody doesn't fork over their frequent shopper card.

Hey - 52 cents is 52 cents!

Head to the stolen car. Realize that by crashing through the glass doors, you've damaged the vehicle and it's going to blow. Run in slow motion away from the building and leap milliseconds ahead of the blast.

Nervously look around. Remember - it's not paranoia if you have a reason. See that guy riding his motorcycle? Clothesline him off his ride, steal his bike, and head back to your cave in the woods.

Grill your portobello mushrooms until they're tender. Since you're in a cave, you'll probably have to use a fire.

While they're cooking, combine the meat, one egg, a few squeezes of barbecue sauce and a handful of the oatmeal. Then wait. Watch. Listen. Be on guard - the enemy could be anywhere!

When the portobello mushrooms are tender, it's time to dice them. The reason you cooked them before mixing with the rest of the mixture is to bring out the portobellos' meaty, earthy flavor and so they'll be tender.

Take your knife from the sheath on your hip and dice the portobello mushrooms rapidly - at a feverish pace. If you do it right, you'll probably cut the tip of one of your fingers off. Find your lost appendage and step back so your blood does not get mixed in - unless you like your meatloaf on the moist side. Empty the gunpowder out of a bullet and pour it on your bloody stump. Now set fire to it. This will seal the wound shut.

And hurt like heck. But it's nothing compared to what you've endured...what you've kept bottled inside for so long.

With you good hand, mix the diced portobello mushrooms into the rest of the meatloaf mixture. Ideally, you'd place it in a bread pan and cook it for 30 minutes at 350 degrees, checking every 5 minutes after until the outside is a dark brown. But since you're in a cave and don't have a bread pan, plop the mixture on a flat stone you've cleaned with your own blood and set it in the fire itself until it's a little crispy on the outside.

You hear a twig snap. Someone's outside your cave. Leap out of your cave and start snapping their necks. Why won't they leave you alone? Why won't they let you enjoy your brooding, ex-special ops portobello mushroom meatloaf in peace?