How Do You Build Confidence in Your Young Child?

How do you build confidence in your young child? The question is one parents may contend with as they watch their children grow. Many superb resources are available from books and magazine articles to advice offered by teachers, pediatricians, counselors, and other parents. "Former parents", known as grandparents, can also be a wealth of insight! With what quickly becomes information overload, perhaps the simplest way a parent can work toward developing a child's self-confidence is counterintuitive: Teach them it is alright to fail.

Controversial at first glance, teaching them it is alright to fail is not suggesting the child should perform a task ill-prepared or without effort. It is not saying strive for mediocrity. Rather, teach them that failure is no more than another chapter in life's instruction manual of how we learn to improve. Let them know you still love them for trying; for - and this is important - taking risks. Too often parents, despite the best intentions, fixate only on the outcomes. Granted, while results are all that seem to matter as adults, parents can forget that young kids do not yet have all the life experiences and tools for which to cope.

Focus less on the outcomes than on the multiple steps that went into the endeavor. Sure, when a child wins a talent show, achieves the highest grades, or scores the game winning basket it is natural to be pleased. In fact: Be proud! Celebrate! But, draw attention to what they did specifically that caused the outcome. ("I think you played so well because of all the extra hours you practiced. Congratulations!")

A word of caution: Even if the outcome was not hugely favorable, draw attention FIRST to what they did right or accomplished best. Human nature and societal impact create an almost knee-jerk response to criticize. Don't let your child immediately go there. Ask them what they did right or best and be prepared to offer some tangible example of what you were pleased to see. Noting their effort or how they kept their poise at a difficult moment often is something they did not consider because they are only looking at the final outcome. Attitude and effort are two characteristics adults often acknowledge in passing, but forget to reinforce in young, impressionable minds.

Next, ask if they had a magic wand and could go back and change something about what they did, what would it be? Guide them to something specific, not just the final outcome. This has its benefits as often children (and adults) cannot separate what they can control from what is out of their hands. Asking the question helps them determine areas for improvement, giving something tangible to improve upon. Skill mastery brings confidence and knowing what to work on can begin this process.

One insight regarding children, confidence, and competition is necessary. Be very careful that you don't tear down their competitors in an effort to soothe your child's disappointment. It can set in motion a defeatist attitude that wreaks havoc with self-confidence. It can inadvertently cause them to give up when, wouldn't it be better, to turn the situation into a motivating challenge? Work with your child to see how to play the game differently and it can leave an empowering sense.

Finally, recognize that building confidence is a work in progress. Some children will grasp sooner than others and some children may need more individualized attention. Failure in life is inevitable and the last thing a parent wants is a child who dwells, can't cope, and worse, does not get back up and try. It is with this perspective that parents must ask themselves how their reaction to a given situation aids or challenges their child's confidence. Yes, they the parents, their reaction. You love your child dearly, but when they don't perform or excel in the way hoped, do they still know?
- Authored by a "Bow Tie Guy"