How to Build Trust in a Relationship

Trust is that deep sense you have that your partner has your best interest at heart. Trust is crucial to the wellbeing of your relationship. With trust as the basis of your relationship, anything is possible. Without trust your relationship is unlikely to survive long. Below are top tips on building trust in your relationship. Since trust in a relationship must be tended to on an ongoing basis, you should use these tips not just to build trust but also to maintain it once it's established.

For your partner to trust you requires her to take a leap of faith. Once she does, you must follow up with constant reinforcement to prove her trust in you is not misplaced. For our purposes we'll assume she is worthy of your trust. If not, that would be the subject of a completely different article.

Risa Davis-Ganel is a Licensed Clinical Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in Maryland, and also happens to be my wife. In her work with couples, every day Risa encounters cases where relationships are in breakdown. A major part of the therapy process is helping these couples recover the trust and relatedness they've lost. I spoke with Risa about trust in a relationship. The names below are made up, but their stories illustrate how easily trust can be lost.

Top tip #1 to build trust in relationships: don't lie to your partner

This seems like a no-brainer, but it turns out to be much harder to follow than you'd expect. People have many reasons to lie, and find many ways to justify their lying. "It was just a white lie" or "she isn't always truthful either" can be two examples. Being caught in a lie is a trust-killer. Be truthful even when it's uncomfortable and you'll avoid this pitfall.

Jack and Molly's relationship suffered a major setback when Molly found out Jack lied to her. He was supposed to do the couple's shopping, but said he couldn't because he had to go in to work. Molly saw him at a book store sipping coffee and reading. Jack was there alone, but Molly is now afraid she can't trust him to tell her the truth about anything.

Top tip #2 to build trust in relationships: be trustworthy in your words and actions

Perhaps you find yourself constantly late to dates with your partner. Your partner may feel this means the relationship is not a priority for you. No matter how many times you say that your tardiness just shows poor time management, each time it happens, you have a harder time convincing her.

In situations like this you need to reflect on why you're always late. If it's a matter of carelessness, start caring. If it's losing yourself in the task at hand, set an alarm. If it's a deeper reason, perhaps it's time to seek help for your relationship.

In a relationship you want to enhance trust and support it at every turn. By telling your partner what you will do and then doing it you reassure her that you can be trusted.

Top tip #3 to build trust in relationships: be honest about your emotions

People in relationships value comfort and security in the relationship. In the short term this could cause you to hide dissatisfaction from your partner. Don't do this as you'll be setting yourself and your partner up for problems down the line.

"If your partner asks if you're OK with something and you're not, say so" says Risa. "If you hide it, you may become resentful, causing bigger problems later on. If your partner can't trust what you tell him, how can he trust you?"

Kevin and Sarah are rebuilding their trust in each other. Kevin says Sarah wasn't straight with him when he asked if she minded his spending time with his buddies watching football on TV. Whenever he'd go out for an evening with the guys, he says, he'd come home to the silent treatment.

Sarah is struggling to be honest with Kevin about how she feels. She doesn't want to come between him and his friends, but she's afraid that when Kevin spends his "fun" time with friends, their own relationship loses out.

Once Sarah expressed her emotions honestly they were able to come up with a solution. They began scheduled dates with each other again to liven up their routine. Fun is not a zero-sum game. Kevin can have fun with his buddies as well as with his wife.

Top tip #4 to build trust in relationships: trust your partner

As mentioned above, we're assuming your partner is worthy of your trust. This being the case, trust her. Don't let jealousy drive you to spy on her, expecting to catch her out. If you do you'll begin misconstruing innocent things she says, does, doesn't say, or doesn't do as proof she's not trustworthy. You'll drive yourself crazy with doubt over the relationship, ultimately sabotaging it.

Even if you never make a comment about something you aren't supposed to know, and never get caught where you aren't supposed to be, your distrust of her will color how you relate and the relationship will suffer. Communicate by word and deed that you trust her, especially after an argument, as that's when the relationship is most at risk.

Top tip #5 to build trust in relationships: make sure your partner always knows how much you care about him and his happiness

A part of trust in a relationship is trust in its future. Each of us needs to receive messages from our partner that we're doing OK in the relationship. If you no longer send these messages, be it by preparing his favorite food, or watching with him that silly science fiction series he loves, you may inadvertently push him away.

In your relationship, constantly communicate your love for each other and your commitment to the relationship. This will help you through life's rough patches as each of you will know you can lean on the other when you're down.

Top tip #6 to build trust in relationships: know what's important to your partner and support those things

When she sees you as a true partner in the things most important in her life, your partner will trust you more readily. This applies to issues outside your relationship as well as to the relationship itself. Each of you should be the other's greatest fan and cheerleader. Make sure she knows you care about her happiness and how far you'd go to help her achieve her goals and dreams.

When Risa opened her private practice there were setbacks as happens with any new practice. I knew how important this was for her, as well as for us as a couple. I constantly reminded her how great a therapist she is, and how much of a difference she makes in her clients' lives. I reassured her that we would get through the setbacks and things would work out. This gave Risa the space to trust herself and take the risks needed to grow her practice. As a result, her practice developed twice as quickly as expected, and our relationship was strengthened.

Top tip #7 to build trust in relationships: don't bring up old hurts to bash your partner

"Once an issue has been resolved, let it be" Risa says. "Don't reopen old wounds just to score points in an argument. How you fight with each other is one of the predictors of the expected longevity of your relationship."

Sam seems to constantly bring up the time Dave put her down in front of his family. It was a holiday meal and he'd had a little too much to drink. Although Dave apologized afterwards many times, and has done everything he can to show her how much he appreciates and loves her, it seems that each argument they have brings out the old hurt. If Sam doesn't stop using this as a weapon in their spats, it threatens their relationship.

All relationships have ups and downs. When you have a disagreement, don't stonewall your partner. Let him know what's hurting you. When you do talk, don't use sarcasm and name calling. If you can come out of a fight with neither of you feeling you've been mauled by the other emotionally, your relationship is likely to endure.

Top tip #8 to build trust in relationships: be consistent

Always look at how your actions and words may affect your partner. When you change course in something significant, discuss it ahead of time. This will help your partner anticipate the changes and maintain an even keel in the relationship.

If you change your mind from day to day about what's important to you, you'll make your partner question what's going on, undermining his trust in you. He'll find himself constantly wondering and never feeling stable.

Top tip #9 to build trust in relationships: be willing to work with your partner on problems in the relationship

Problems come up in every relationship. It could be you see things differently about raising your children or how to manage your money. Your interests may develop in diverging directions. Even wounds left by a previous relationship can rear their ugly head.

Whatever your particular issue, don't sweep it under the carpet. Dealing with issues together will enhance the trust each of you feels for the other. Risa suggests that "as a couple, you should strive to create an atmosphere where either one of you is able to bring up whatever issue is troubling you. Be open to hearing and working on the problem, whatever it is."

If you're willing to be uncomfortable for a few hours as you hash out the problem, your relationship will prosper and your partner will trust that you're committed to her and to the relationship.

Top tip #10 to build trust in relationships: what to do when you've blown it

We're all human and make mistakes. When you make yours, be they big or small, you need to mend fences. Acknowledge to your partner what you've done. Show him you know what the impact on him was. Apologize and repair the damage you've done as much as possible. If you've taken something, give it back. If you've said something negative about him to a friend, go back and explain that you said it in the heat of the moment and did not mean it.

Risa calls this process the 3 R's: "Recognize the wrong you've done. Take responsibility for the damage you've caused. Repair the damage as much as possible." Above all, don't undermine a sincere apology with an excuse.

Once you've mended your fences, go back to the above list and start over. Trust is easy to lose but much harder to rebuild. You have your work cut out to regain his trust. The sooner you start, the sooner you'll be back on track. Trust is part of the foundation of any relationship so don't wait too long before you do what it takes to restore it.