How to Catch a Cheater By Watching for Changes in Behavior

Relationships take work - they take trust, faith, communication, and two people working toward a common goal, and if you are lucky, that common goal is to keep the relationships solid. We live in a disposable society, and it seems, to this writer at least, that relationships and marriage have also become rather disposable. Breaking up is never fun, but it's not all that difficult. Divorce is easier to obtain than every before, and marriage is on the decline because of it.

One reason many relationships end, and rightfully so, is infidelity. Hey, it works both ways - men and women both cheat! You'll pardon me if I write this more from a first person perspective, as a woman who has been cheated on before, and use the 'he' pronoun in my writing. As you read this though, it is very important to note that women do indeed cheat and this tips for catching a cheater will work just as well on a 'she' as they do on a 'he'.

I suppose it's a good idea to preface this with a bit of wisdom - I'm not condoning spying on your partner, by any means. If you suspect your partner is cheating on you, chances are there are major problems in your relationship to begin with, regardless of whether or not he or she is cheating. Think about it, if you are insecure enough to accuse your partner of cheating when he or she is not actually cheating, then there are problems in your relationship stemming from your insecurity that need to be address. If, however, your accusation or suspicion of cheating is founded in truth, then the relationship really has another issue to look at.

Once you have reached the point in the relationship where you suspect he or she is cheating, chances are the relationship is already doomed, regardless of whether you find your partner with another or not. That being said, some people do choose to stay in a relationship after an infidelity, and the only way to repair the relationship is to know for sure, so just how do you catch a cheater?

Oh, let me tell you -- been there, done that! I was one of the blind ones. I chose to see only what I wanted to see, and until the relationship finally ended for good, I refused to believe all the signs I saw in front of me. I'm not alone in this either. I have many friends, both male and female, who have done the same thing - we simply only see what we want to see.

However, some people really do want to know the truth, so where do you go from there?

People who cheat do leave clues, and if you are willing to look for them and then look at them, you will find them - if your partner really is cheating. I had an ex one time actually get up out of our bed and drive to a payphone in the middle of the night on the corner or our block to talk to his little floozy, and when I caught him, dared to say the reason was that they were talking about me. Yeah, right. Unfortunately, most of you will not have such bold (or was it stupid) clues to discover if your partner is cheating.

Catch a Cheater: Watch For Changes In Work Schedules

The first way to catch a cheater is to watch for changes in behavior that don't relate to anything going on in your life. Is he suddenly spending more time at work for reasons you don't understand? My ex told me once that he had a special job to do over in another store, and when that job lasted until 4 in the morning, I must say I was a bit suspicious. Changes like this to a normal routine, especially a work routine, are important to note. If your partner is paid hourly, does the pay increase with these additional hours? In my situation, it surely did not.

If he works the type of job where you can call and ask for him, and you suspect him of not being there, call! And don't ever allow him to 'call you back'. Always hold on the line for him to come to the phone. If he does not come to the phone, you are left on hold, or you are repeatedly told he is not available to come to the phone, your next step is to show up at his work.

I did this once with my ex. He was not answering his cell phone for me, so I called his work and asked for him. They informed me he was not working that night. A few minutes later, my phone rings and it was my ex telling me he had been in the middle of something at work. We talked for a few minutes, and then when we hung up, I drove to his work, and sure enough, he was not there that night. I never told him I had caught him at this one, but if you do, you can bet it will be hard for the cheater to explain this one away.

Some people are going to be a bit smarter than this though, and some jobs don't require a person to be in a specific location, so it gets a bit harder to catch a cheater if this is the case, but never fear, there are other clues you can look for besides changes in work schedules.

Catch a Cheater: Watch for Changes in Computer and Phone Usage

Cell phones and the internet have truly changed communication in this world, and it's added a whole new dimension to cheating. Again, what you want to look for to catch a cheater this way is changes in the way the computer or phone or cell phone is used.

Let's look at the home phone. If you live together, caller ID and call return will probably prevent a cheater from using the home phone for their affairs. However, if you are receiving phone calls from a number you don't recognize and that can't be easily explained, it is definitely something to consider.

Cell phones are more likely to be used by a cheater to carry on their affair, because they are portable, the display can be altered to show whatever the cheater wants it to show, and with voice mail, text messaging, and silent or vibrating ringers, it is much easier to ignore a call if the cheater can't talk at the moment for fear of being caught.

Does he frequently receive calls he does not answer in front of you? Does he get text messages that he puts off to be solicitations or has some other excuse for what the text message is? Shortly after receiving a text message or call he does not take, does he step outside, run to the store, or lock himself in the bathroom? Does he turn his cell phone off at night when you go to bed?

Another clue that actually happened to me is a change in the way the cell phone bill is received. If you were receiving detailed billing on his cell phone, where all calls placed or received are logged on the bill, and suddenly, your partner switches the billing to simple billing without the detail of the calls, you might want to consider what numbers he does not want you to see on that bill.

Catch a Cheater: Watch for Changes with Computer Usage

Ah, the computer - instant communication, instant messaging, email, blogs, and so many other ways to stay connected to others - a virtual playground for a cheater.

Does he refuse to share his passwords with you? Did he once share his passwords but then suddenly changes them and won't give you the new ones? Has he created screen name for sites you have never seen him using?

Again, changes in behavior are the best way to determine if he might be cheating. Is he suddenly spending more time on the computer than he was before, with no good reason for the increase? Does he get out of bed in the middle of the night to use the computer when you are not around? Do you come in from the store to find him at the computer and he suddenly leaves or stops using the computer when you walk in?

Has he started turning the screen where you cannot see it? Does he go to the computer first thing in the morning before you wake? When you walk up behind him, do windows or open pages on the screen suddenly get closed? Does he act nervous or suspicious when you walk around behind him while he's on the computer?

These are all possible signs he is cheating and communicating via the computer. Let me tell you, this one takes some real nerve, to actually cheat on you right in your own home, in front of you. It shows a definite marked lack of respect, but then again, if he's cheating, then there wasn't any respect for you or the relationship to begin with.

Catch a Cheater: Watch for Changes in Hygiene, Dress, Appearance

Is he suddenly dressing better? Does he come home with his clothes disheveled or wrinkled? Is he taking better care with his personal appearance than he once was when he leaves to just run down to the store? These are all signs that a cheater might be trying to make himself look good for his mistress.

Other things to look for are: coming home with fresh cologne on - because he wants to cover up her scent on him. Going straight to the shower when he comes home. Coming home smelling like women's perfume, or if he doesn't smoke, smelling like cigarette smoke. Lipstick or makeup on his collar or clothing.

Catch a Cheater: Watch for Changed in Behavior

When someone is cheating, their behavior will change, it is that simple, you just have to know what to look for. For some, the cheater may actually become more attentive, spend more time with you, or seem to go out of their way to spend time with you to make it appear as though nothing has changed. If this behavior is out of the ordinary and comes on suddenly, chances are the cheater is acting out of guilt, and is trying to redeem himself by going overboard in the other direction.

Unsubstantiated anger or angry outbursts for no reason are another possible indication of cheating. Watch what you are saying or doing that might cause an angry outburst and then try to figure out what it stems from.

For example, if he says he's going to run down to the corner store real fast and you say, "Hey, let me come with you!" and he suddenly balks and then picks a fight with you, chances are he's hoping the fight will cause you to change your mind and not come with him. This might be a good indication he is meeting someone there or is wanting the time alone to place a cheating phone call.

You might find him picking little fights for no reason that blow up into something much bigger than they should be, and then he uses these fights as an excuse to leave the house, knowing you won't follow if you are angry. If these fights are being picked regularly, chances are he is going to meet his mistress and could find no plausible excuse to give you.

This is absolutely despicable behavior, because the cheater actually is now not only cheating, but he's making you think it's your fault he's cheating! Inexcusable!

Catch a Cheater: Watch for Changes in Stories

Does he tell you one story at one point and then later, the story changes slightly, but when you confront him, he always has some excuse he fumbles through as to why his story changes? Or does he just get mad when you confront him and pick a fight to cause an argument and take the focus off his lies?

Maybe he told you he was out with the boys one night, but then one of his friends didn't know he'd lied and blows that cover story? Did he say he was working and then a coworker makes a comment about how they missed him at XXX function? Sometimes it's not even the cheater who tells on himself and others will uncover his lies for him.

When you repeatedly catch a cheater in lies to cover up the cheating, he will begin to forget what stories he's told when. Even the best of manipulating cheaters will eventually trip up and forget a cover story or there will simply be too many cover stories to remember them all.

If you start catching him in a lot of lies, chance are he's hiding something, and cheating is a good bet if he matches any of the other warnings above.

Catch a Cheater: Summary

When it really comes down to it, the main thing to look for to catch a cheater is to watch for changes in behavior, both subtle and major changes, that can't be explained by other reasons. For example, your partner may be spending a lot more time at work and his work schedule has changed, but if his pay check increases and you know that he really has more work to do and you frequently see or talk to him at work, chances are this is legitimate work schedule changes and not a sign of cheating.

What you are looking for are those unexplainable changes, and they may have come on suddenly too. Each one individually might not mean much, but when more than one of them starts to happen on a somewhat regular basis, you might begin to investigate.

Remember, if you are already at the point in your relationship where you suspect cheating, chances are there are problems in the relationship much larger than cheating itself. It would be wise not to make an accusation of cheating unless you have conclusive proof, but if you are seeing changes in behavior you cannot explain, it's time to have a talk with your partner and discover why these changes have occurred.

It is hard, if not sometimes impossible, to recover from cheating, and it is frequently as difficult to recover from an unfounded accusation of cheating too, so tread lightly and carefully if you are still wanting your relationship before you make any accusations.

Trust is important in a relationship, but blind trust is foolish. Communication is just as important in a relationship, and if you trust your partner but suspect things are not as they should be, it's time to open up a dialogue without accusations. If you are not convinced of fidelity after talking with your partner, then you can begin to investigate and determine why you think these changes have occurred BEFORE you make any accusations of cheating.

Remember this: there is NEVER a good excuse for cheating. Cheating is the fault of the cheater and the cheater alone. If your relationship is in trouble, the other party has the right to talk to you, seek help, or end the relationship - but he never has the right to cheat.