How to Cause Maximum Delays at a Cash Point

Stoneskin
1) Keep your finances in such disorder that you have no idea what the balance is in any of your accounts. This means that at the cash point you will want to check the balance for every card you have. If you are shocked, which you probably will be as the balance will be less than you expected, then you can take even longer as you question how and why.

2) Have no idea how much cash you are going to withdraw. This is simple. If you allow your cognitive processes to stop at "I need some cash", then when it is your turn you can pause and ponder as you try to decide how much to take out. Note, this works particularly well when coupled with the previous point. To achieve maximum effect, do not even think about how much you want to withdraw when you are in the queue.

3) Do not get your cards out ready before it is your turn. If you do this particularly well, you will have to rummage around for minutes to find your wallet or purse.

4) When it is your turn remember that there is no rush. You had to wait, and the people queuing up behind you can wait too. Aim for inefficiency. Check your balance, be shocked, check another account's balance, be shocked again, then have a think about how much you want to take out. Again, don't rush. Now is the time to think about what you are going to be doing that day and how much cash you need. Add it all up in your head. Advice slip? Have a think, don't be forced into any quick decisions. Receipt? Have another think, do you or do you not want a receipt? Take as much time as you like.

5) Accidentally press Cancel so that your card is injected. Then you will have to wait a few seconds before you can insert your card, re-enter your PIN etc. Do this several times.

Published by Stoneskin

I am an eccentric, irritable computer programmer from Sussex. Real ale enthusiast, avid reader.  View profile

6 Comments

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  • Notes from Joblessville9/11/2008

    This is HILARIOUS! I'm gonna read some more stuff!

  • MickeysBigMouth8/30/2008

    I swear I get behind the SLOWEST people at these.

    I think they are trying to set up an IRA or something...

  • Michael Segers8/30/2008

    Reading this brought to my mind the remark about England and the US being two countries divided by the same language.

  • Jonny Mohale8/30/2008

    Ha I'm looking forward to my child running off. First baby is one the way, so a while before that happens!

  • Maria Roth8/30/2008

    "Cash point" is SO much cuter than "ATM." Another good idea is to get your kids involved in the card-insertion and PIN-entering process. Even better is when your youngest child runs off while you're waiting for the ATM to spit your money out, and you're left standing there, screaming, "Audrey! Come back here!", and the people in line behind you all roll their eyes and don't try to stop your daughter from running out into the busy parking lot...but I digress.

  • C.B. Jones8/30/2008

    6. Pull out a Gameboy and inform everyone that you will not make a withdraw until you you clear level 12.

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