How to Change a Child's Behavior in 12 Easy Steps: A Parent's Guide

Starting out with these twelve easy steps can not only make you better parents , but start your child off on the right path to good behavior.

No Spanking or Hitting Your Child-

Spanking is hitting your child no matter how you say it. Spanking your child, is just teaching a child to hit others, and they learn to handle situations with violence. If it's not okay for Daddy to hit Mommy, then how is it okay for you to be spanking your child? It's not. Parents who use spanking as a form of discipline, are not only teaching their child to use violence to deal with situations, but the parents are also not using their brains to deal with their child, just their hands. No, you don't even use spanking to get a toddler in line. A firm NO, and showing them you mean something by your facial expression will come across loud and clear. No more excuses, and no more spanking!

Let the Punishment Fit the Crime-

Too many parents out of anger go way overboard with punishments. Unfortunately when parents overdo it that's when they tend to give in, and give up. If you do not stick to your punishment, I prefer calling them consequences, you are teaching your child you can be manipulated. It may not be so bad when they're little, but wait and see what happens with this one when their a teenager. Small consequences that you will stick to work so much better in the long run, and you will be teaching your child you can not be easily manipulated.

Logical Consequences-

When I was a child and family counselor before retiring, this one was the hardest when teaching parents how to discipline their child. If your child doesn't do their homework, parents don't take the TV away. What does taking the the TV away have to do with their homework. No, if they can't be responsible enough to do their homework on their own when they choose to, then make it a rule that all homework must be done at a designated time. The homework after being finished must then be checked by a parent, or both parents, and then and only then can they have their privileges. Yes, TV, CD players, computers, etc., are privileges, not means of survival. Make the consequence to the infraction make sense. This way you are teaching your child about logical consequences and preparing them for societies laws when they are older.

Talk to Your Child and Explain Why it was Wrong-

I don't care how old your child is, even if they are six months old, you explain why what they did was wrong, and how it may have affected others, or them self. In other words, what they did may have hurt someone's feelings, or been dangerous to them. You may think it's ridiculous to explain that to a small child, but at each stage of life a child comprehends something. If you keep explaining, as they grow they will understand more and more. Your words are not being wasted. I did this with my son, and he does it with his son. You would be amazed at how much a two year old understands!

Never Scream-

When parents or a parent screams a child hears nothing. He is so distracted by the screaming and how afraid he is, he can't possibly pay attention to what you're requesting of him. You know very well that when someone screams at you, you're too busy thinking of a come back to really hear what the other person is saying. If you want your child to listen, never scream at them. With this you are not only role modeling a good behavior, you are also teaching your child how to talk and express himself without screaming.

Never Threaten Your Child-

Some people who brag they don't approve of spanking their child, may be emotionally battering their children. This isn't just about screaming at your child, this is about threatening them. No lie I have heard parents say if you don't do this or that I'll rip your legs off, or smack that smile right off your face. They never actually spank or hit the child, but the threats are so intimidating and overblown, they are seriously damaging their child emotionally. Yes, emotional, and mental abuse can be as bad if not worse than spanking or hitting a child. So, please don't ever threaten your child.

Don't Compare Your Child to Someone Else-

This is so damaging to a child's psyche, I can't even begin to tell you. Some parents have a habit of comparing their child's behavior with a another child. They may say why can't you be a good little boy like Johnny. He's a good child that listens to his parents. This is a bad tactic for parents. The only thing this accomplishes is low self-esteem for the child. A parent in essence is saying, you are not okay the way you are, and someone else is better. This is a great start down the path to serious emotional problems when this child gets older. Never compare your child with anyone else, in any way. It's your job as parents to teach and show them they are special, unique individuals, and are okay the way they are, even when they misbehave.

Show your Child How to Behave With Your Behavior-

I find it hysterical that most parents have the attitude, do what I say not what I do, like that's really going to work. You must show your child how to behave well, by you exhibiting good behavior.Your behavior is what he is looking at to learn how he should behave. He does not come with an instruction booklet taped to his butt when he is born. No matter how many people he sees when growing up, what will affect him the most is what type of behavior you are showing him. If you drink every night after work, chances are you will have a teenager that drinks. If Dad hits Mom, then there's a good chance junior will hit his wife. Children look to their parents to learn how to behave, and what's acceptable. So, the next time you start cursing like a drunken sailor, perhaps you won't be that surprised when junior calls you a ****! Show your child how to behave with your good behavior!

Have Clear Easy to Understand Rules-

Yes believe it or not Willy Nilly rules just hanging around in the air, or that change all the time don't work. Set up a behavior chart with all the rules that they are expected to follow. If it's in black and white, then they can't say I forgot, or I don't remember you saying that. My favorite is your just being mean. If it's written down and they break the rule, it was their choice to suffer the consequence. For each rule you set up a consequence clearly stated on the behavior chart should be written. Their choice to break the rule, their choice of the consequence. This gets the parents off the hook, and teaches a child about real life. Just like when they grow up, if they choose bad behavior and break a law, they will know what the consequences will be. If he;s speeding and gets caught, it's a nice big fine. If he hits someone, he's going to jail. So, use a behavior chart with rules and consequences to get your child started on his way to the real world. Besides that. it makes it so much easier for the parents!

Be Consistent-

Even when I see parents that have fairly good parenting skills, their biggest mistake is consistency. They'll put their foot down, and then let the child off the hook. They will have a consequence for the child's bad behavior for this time, but maybe not that time, even though the same rule was broken. Consistency is the number one priority in parenting. Every time, and I do mean every time, must be handled in the same way. No excuses. Stop saying, well he''s tired, or he had a long day. or the other kids got him going. Do you really think a police officer or the courts will listen to lame excuses like that when he grows up? No, so don't give him any excuses for getting off the hook with his behavior when he is a child. Be consistent, no matter what, or you will find one day you have a teenager with a lot of excuses, for a lot of bad behavior!

Do Expect Your Child to Behave-

This one of my pet peeves, especially with kids that are challenged in some way. Every child should be expected to behave to the level they are capable of achieving. So many parents I counseled would use the excuse he's bi-polar, he's ADHD. he's this, he's that. Well, with an attitude from the parents like that, they are going to have one heck of a problem on their hands when their child is a teen or young adult. There is no child that can't learn how to good behavior.Yes, some may be a little more limited than some, but that doesn't mean they can't learn some form of acceptable behavior. Funny thing when I got some of these kids in my office, they were told by me that I knew how they treated their parents at home, and they should never go there with me. Amazingly, the kids always exhibited good behavior with me. The reason being, was I expected good behavior and I got it! A big problem is that parents sometimes underestimate the abilities of their child, whether they are challenged in some way or not. So, don't forget show and tell your child that you do expect them to have appropriate behavior in all situations. You will be amazed just how well that works, and how much good behavior you will end up seeing!

Always Show Your Child you Love them after Talking and Disciplining Them-

A child does not have the same understanding as we do, that's why they have parents. If you discipline without love and fairness, a child will tend to believe you don't love them. It is always imperative that after explaining that what the child did was wrong, hurtful, or possibly dangerous, that you let them know you still love them. You then cam explain the reason they are being disciplined is because you care about them and the kind of person they will grow up to be. Yes, even say this to the littlest child. We may think they don't fully understand what you are saying, but chances are more will get through to them than you can imagine. Even if your child doesn't fully understand, your caring and loving voice will say volumes. So, always remember to discipline your child with love and fairness.

Parenting is one of the hardest jobs on the face of the earth. We can choose the high road which leads a child down a path to a happy, healthy adult, or the low road which can lead a child to a future riddled with serious problems. Always remember you as parents are the biggest influence on what path you set your child on, and his final destination into adulthood. A guiding hand is always better than a hitting one!