How to Cheat at Candy Land

Candy Land is a classic board game by Milton Bradley meant for 2 to 4 players. It is pretty much a game of luck, the winner being preordained by the random positioning of players and the shuffle of cards. Candy Land is extremely aggravating when played against children as adult-world attributes like "strategy" and "life experience" are rendered useless.

The good news is that the game can easily be fixed, especially against the prime opponent range of three to seven-year-olds. Older kids are often tough to fool and very young ones have a hard time grasping the the very objective of the game, much less the rules, which makes defeating them unsatisfying. The most ideal game situation is a grouping of four to five year-old opponents.

To play the game, each player selects a gingerbread pawn and places it at the start position. Color-coded cards are then drawn, indicating to which space a player should move. The ultimate goal is to be the first to reach Candy Castle.

The rules of Candy Land dictate that the youngest player goes first and then play proceeds to the left. The easiest way to assure victory is to place yourself immediately next to the youngest player so that you are the second to go. Ahead of time, you'll want to take the card deck and pull all of the "picture cards". Make sure you know exactly where the ice cream cone card is, as drawing this card puts you a mere 32 spaces from victory.

Insist upon being the card shuffler. You can appeal to authority if there are any protests, but it is paramount that you are the last to touch the cards before play begins.

Having pulled the picture cards (with the ice cream cone on the bottom), shuffle the deck, but do it so that it only looks as if the picture cards are also being shuffled. Keep those cards clustered at the bottom of the stack. After sufficiently shuffling, quickly move the ice cream cone card from the bottom of the stack to just below the top card.

Now play! The youngest player will draw the first card which will be some random color square. It doesn't really matter as she will advance no more than 13 spaces, but most likely much less than that.

Now it's your turn. You draw the ice cream cone card sending you a whopping 103 squares down the path to victory! Be sure to feign surprise, yelling something like "My goodness! I guess I have to go all the way over here!"

Depending on the card arrangement, you should make it to the winners square within the next five or six rounds as your opponents languish with no hope of reaching the fast moving picture cards at the bottom of the deck.

Once you reach Candy Castle sit back and watch your opponents inch along through the gumdrop mountains and wander haplessly through the lollipop woods. With all of the picture cards at the bottom of the deck, the also-rans will likely move painfully close to the finish line when the loaded picture card cluster suddenly sends them reeling backward!

To make the game a little more sporting, yet still assure victory, use the same tactic described above except move the lollipop card to the second spot instead of the ice cream cone. Be sure that the ice cream cone card then ends up at the very bottom of the stack as it will be the only card that can beat you.

Now let's say that for some reason you can't shuffle the cards. Maybe one of the players is pushy -- eight-year-old girls are notorious for making specific pre-game demands. (Yet another reason to never break the seven-year-old opponent threshold.) There are still several ways you can beat the opposition. None of them guarantee a win like the shuffling method but, any advantage you can muster in the game of Candy Land, take it.

The first such secondary methods is called "Super Candy Land". If you get some elementary school punk who insists upon handling the deck, either pull rank on him, or concede to his demand but then tell everyone you will play a variation of the game. Super Candy Land utilizes the same rules as regular Candy Land, except that whenever a picture card is drawn, the player must lay it down and whomever is the first to shout its name (e.g. "candy cane", "peanut" "lollipop") gets to move to that space. While this does not guarantee a win, it does add a much-needed element of skill. One pitfall to this is accidentally shouting out a picture card to a space you've already passed. Make a mental note of each such square as you pass it and do your best to bite your tongue whenever one comes up. Children, on the other hand, will often shout out the name of a picture card whether it's to their advantage or not.

An alternative to "Super Candy Land" is the "no yelling rule". This rule stipulates that any player who shouts loses their turn. Since you are an adult, it should be relatively easy to abide by this rule. Kids, not so much. They're easily excitable and often forget what you've told them at the beginning of the game. The key to really tipping things in your favor with the "no yelling rule" is to be a hard ass about it. Any tone that is slightly above speaking volume equals a loss of turn. Also, play a "no yelling" match directly after a "Super Candy Land" match as they will be Pavlovianly trained to shout every time they see a picture card. By exercising a little self control on your part, you should easilyachieve a six or seven-turn advantage over your opponents.

If you have not employed any of the above tactics, you can still work in an advantage by employing the good, old-fashioned place-switch. Candy Land is particularly conducive to this kind of cheating because of the serpentine nature of the game's color path. A particularly excellent place to bump your pawn to an advanced square is directly in the middle of the board. As you're going through the Licorice Forest, wait for a lull in the action (maybe somebody has to use the bathroom) and then bump your piece over to the Lollipop Woods. Done correctly, this maneuver can save you a good 40 spaces. There are other prime spots to pull this move along the path. A quick glance about the board once you begin will make these juxtapositions readily apparent.

You may also try moving another player's pawn backwards in the same fashion, but be warned, this can be extremely risky as your opponent is more likely to remember his own position than yours. So the chances of getting caught are pretty high. If you get branded by a six year-old as a "cheater, cheater, booger eater", that's pretty much it. You're a cheater for life in his book. The only way back from such a branding is to suffer through one or two humiliating defeats to get your credibility back. It's humbling, but worth it.

So there you are. Five good ways to cheat the Candy Land system. Go out and kick some ass.

Just don't play any other adults.