How to Cheer Someone Up

You've seen this happen before: your co-worker or friend shows up, looking a bit sad. You don't know why-- their sports team lost, their cat is shedding, the zipper on their pants is broken; it could be anything . You only know that something happened that made them take a visit to Major BummerLand. They are in need of a little reason to smile, and don't know who to turn to. If you let them stay like this the whole day, it will bring everybody down faster than that cloud of microbes from The Andromeda Strain.

Now, a bit of warning: some people may just need a few minutes to compose themselves, mentally right everything internally by being alone for a while, and deal with their sadness and grief just enough so they can function normally and get through the day, one way or another.
Having somebody relentlessly trying to cheer them up while walking through the Dark Tunnel of Despair and Solitude is like being followed into the tunnel by that one person who just has to yell, "Echo! (Echo!) Echooooooo! (Echooooooo!) Ech-oooooo! (Ech-ooooooo!) Whoooo-hooooHooooo! (WHooooo-hooooHoooo!)" , and trust me, you don't want to be that person.
When this happens, the bummed-out people will do their best to kindly ask you for alone-time, mainly by grabbing your shirt and shoving you into an open toilet-stall. Those people are temporarily beyond help. I suggest you exit the bathroom. But wash your hands first.

With that aside, some people do need cheering up. Here are some suggestions.

Discreetly follow them around and wait until they are drinking from a soda bottle and yell, " Bluaaaargh-bluwaaaa-bleaarrggh...Blaaaaaarrrgggh!!!" Even better if they were drinking in a hurry.

They get startled, Diet Coke spews all over the place and two more people on this crazy world have a laugh. Say, "Sorry, I won't make you laugh, I promise". This to your friend is reassuring and calms their heart a bit. It is also a very big lie.

Then they'll try to drink again, so you repeat these exact same words: "Don't laugh...Don't laugh...Dooooooooon't Laugh...Okay, you can laugh!"

They stop breathing; there is a small, sputtering explosion, and the wall suddenly turns into a Jackson Pollock painting. They resume breathing six minutes later, arms and face soaked in beverage.

They will try again. Just stare and smile. Don't break eye contact with them. Don't even blink. They will stare right back while taking another sip, waiting for you to say or do something. Just keep smiling at them. And wait a total of about three, maybe four seconds.
Better than any fountain at Disneyland.

"But Jon," you might whine, "this is a bit too long and looks like it needs some preparation, not to mention having to remember the steps. Is there a short-cut to this?"

First I'll have to shake my head at your lack of commitment to cheering this person up (shake, shake). Then I will give you the cheap one-line version.

Wait until they are drinking and say the following words:
"Hey Bill! Guess what my proctologist said to me: Iiiiiiiis... this your card?"
It helps to punctuate your statement by emphatically stabbing your finger in the air once or twice. Use two fingers if necessary.

Yes, it's a cheap shot, and doesn't do the job as thoroughly as the original method. And you'll still have to clean up the mess if your friend tells on you. But do keep it around for those dreary board meetings and long sales presentations. I have it on personal experience that whispering the proctologist line during a sermon at church will make most guys laugh, but their wives will punch everyone (by which I mean "you and your new friends") in the shoulder. The priest can laugh if he likes, because he probably isn't married.

There is a version of the proctologist gag where there is also a bunch of flowers and an endless string of large handkerchiefs and flags tied together, but I forgot how it goes. In the meantime, sit down and have a drink. I won't try to make you laugh. I promise.