How to Get Your Child to Talk to You

It is natural to want to know what is going on in your child's life. In fact, it is healthy to have open communication with your child. It is not uncommon to hear a parent complaining that their child won't talk to them. This especially applies to teenagers. Many parents find that a child that was once very communicative, becomes closed mouthed when they become teenagers. Maybe the child was never communicative at all. As much as parent doesn't want to hear it, the fault usually lies in the parent.

There are six secrets to open communication with your child. 1) Not being judgmental. 2) Not giving your child the fifth degree and battering them with a million questions. 3) Patience. 4) Trust. 5) Confidentiality. 6) Admit when you are wrong. All of this may sound simple but it is not as easy as it sounds.

Not being judgmental
One of the main things that parents do, is being judgmental towards their children. Children are human and they make their own mistakes. They want to be able to come to you with out being judged for their actions. If they fear that you are going to freak out and judge them for what they have revealed to you, they aren't going to confide in you. It ts natural for parents to want their children to live perfect lives. We don't want them getting into trouble. I am not saying that we should never punish our children. But, we have to be selective when we do it. Let me ask you this, would you rather punish your child for every little thing and not know half of what they do, or would you rather your child come to you with their problems and in doing so you know what is going on in their lives? I would rather that they confide in me. Really, it is much more beneficial when they do confide in you. If they feel free to talk to you, they will also be much more prone to listening to your advice. No one wants to feel judged and no one wants to fear talking to someone. Take the fear and judgment away and you have a a person that will look forward to confiding in. If you give your child honest advice without judgment and punishment, they will respect your opinion.

Letting your children come to you without fear of your judgment can be a hard thing. It can be a hard thing to know some of the things that your child is thinking and doing. We want our children to be innocent. Open communication sometimes lets you know that your child is not as innocent as you hoped. If what your child tells you freaks you out inside, don't show it. Cry and freak out when they are not around if you must. But remember this one thing. This open communication will help your child to get into less trouble in their lives because they have you, a reliable person that they can come to for advice. You will be surprised how much they listen to you and respect your opinion when they feel comfortable talking too you.

Another thing that parents must realize, is that their child is their own person. Children are not clones of their parents. They have different likes and dislikes and different opinions. They have their own emotions. They also have their own lives and life experiences. A parent may not understand things that their child likes or the way their child feels. Parents often want their children to be just like themselves. This is not realistic. Your child is his or her own person and that is okay. If your child has different opinions or likes than you, don't get frustrated, but instead you can talk about it. If you are light about the subject and make it fun, you might find you understand your child more. Don't treat your child like they are wrong, but instead embrace that they are their own, individual and unique person.

Not giving your' child the fifth degree
One of the quickest ways parents close the line of communication between themselves and their children is giving their child the fifth degree. Parents are often anxious to know what is going on in their child's' life so they resort to asking a million questions. Try putting yourself in your child's shoes for a second. How comfortable would you feel with someone hounding you with a million questions? You probably wouldn't like it. You might feel like you are being quizzed. It is definitely not the way to achieve open communication. A good example is, you pick your child up from school and you ask them, "How was your day at school?" Your child answers, "Fine." and that is it. You want to know more, so you start asking a million questions. "Did you have a test today? Did you talk to Nancy? Did you meet any new kids? Are you still arguing with Ted?" and on and on the questions go. Now the child closes up. They feel quizzed. This is where patience comes in.

Patience
Above I talked about not giving your child the fifth degree. So what do you do when your child doesn't talk to you? The answer is, have patience. Let's look back at the example above. You ask your child, "How was school today?" Your child answers, "Fine". Instead of asking a million questions, just simply say, "Oh, that's good." This is where the patience comes in. They probably won't start talking right away, but they eventually will. Resist the urge to give the fifth degree and let them come to you. Now suppose they instead answer, "My day sucked!" You would probably ask, "What happened?" They might get frustrated and say something like, "Nothing, it just did, okay." This often sets parents off questioning. Maybe even the parent gets mad at their child's' frustrated attitude. Don't take your child's frustrated attitude personally, they are just having a bad day and it is nothing against you. (You are the adult and you have to be the big person. Don't let your reaction start a fight and close communication. Realize your' child is having difficulties in life.) The appropriate response from you to this would be, "I'm sorry that you had a bad day. If you want to talk, I am here for you." That is it, don't say anymore. When they are ready, they will open up to you. Just have patience.

Trust
You have to learn to trust your child. (Assuming that they are not in serious trouble, like drug addiction or crime.) Hopefully you have taught your children what is right and wrong. Trust your child to eventually make the right decisions. With open communication, they will ask for your advice, trust they will use it. It is not the end of the world when your child does something wrong. Everyone does things wrong. Trust that they will find their way. Making mistakes and learning from them is an important part of life. Allow them to make mistakes and learn from them. When you have open communication, they will come to you for advice. You will be able to gently guide them on how to deal with their situations. In addition, when you have open communication, you will be able to come to them to talk about what you want to talk about in their lives. Just be careful to not attack them when you do it. Something like this works, "You know, I was thinking, I don't think it was very nice of Ted to yell at you for voicing your opinion. What do you think?" Asking your child what they think, opens up the line of communication, instead of turning it into a lecture. Remember, gently guide your children and trust them to make the right decisions.

Don't distrust your child because they made a mistake in the past. With open communication, you can talk to them about the situation and how to handle it differently. Don't hold their mistakes against them. Trust them, to have learned from their mistake and to make the right decision in the future.

Confidentiality
There is nothing worse than when you tell somebody something and they go and tell everyone else. That is a surefire way to close the lines of communication right away with your child. Take your conversations with your children in confidence. Don't go and tell your friends or your child's siblings what your child talks about. If you think that other people should know about what you and your child talk about, then talk about the idea with your child. Say something like, "You know, maybe we should talk to so and so about this. I think it would be a good idea, but it is up to you." If they don't want anyone else to know, then don't tell them. Respect your' children and let them have their privacy. If you think about it, you would want no different for yourself.

Admit when you are wrong
Children hate when their parents never admit to being wrong. It can make you a hypocrite. If you tell your child to never tell a lie and then you end up telling a lie, admit your mistake. If you don't they will never respect or trust you. It is good for your child to know that you are not perfect. Knowing that you are not perfect, makes them see you as a person. It is good for you to admit to what you have done wrong. Your child will see that you make mistakes, but they will also see you deal with that mistake in a healthy way. What a good example!

Conclusion
If you do all of these things, you will find that you have opened the lines of communication between yourself and your child. Your relationship with your child will grow to be strong. It will not happen overnight. It takes time for change to happen. But be persistent in following these tips and change will happen.