How Children Benefit from Choices, Rather Than Commands

Giving children choices, rather than commands, is often presented by experts as a "parenting technique" that will lead to children's being more cooperative with parents.

Asking a child if he'd prefer to do his homework before or after dinner, for example, would give a child a chance to decide for himself when he feels he'd be most effective at doing the work. If knows he'll be more able to concentrate after eating dinner he may choose to do his homework then. On the other hand, if he was planning to watch a television program after dinner me may choose to get homework out of the way. Whichever choice the child makes, he will know that the choice was his. Besides being given the chance to decide when he'll feel more ready to do his homework, the child who is given such a choice will know the choice is his own and will therefore be that much more satisfied with the plan. The child is given a sense of control over his own life, and a child who has some sense of control is less likely to engage is power struggles over the smaller matters that come up each day.

Giving children choices, rather than commands, however, offers far more benefits when parents aren't just implementing a "parenting technique" and are, instead, exhibiting their respect for, and empathy with, their child.

Children are people, just like adults are. As an adult, most of us would not want someone to tell us, "You're going to wear this shirt today," or "Even though you're hungry you will be doing all of your housework before you eat." No adult wants to be told he must eat green beans even if he doesn't like them, or that he must sleep even when he's not tired. Imagine a life in which, from the time we wake in the morning until the time we sleep at night, someone is constantly telling us what to do and when! As human beings, we would may feel exhausted, pressured, angry, or resentful. We may come to believe that whoever it was, making every last, little, choice for us during our day, did not understand that we are human beings with feelings.

We may plan to leave, but if we knew we could not leave we may withdraw and wait until, some time in future, we could leave. Either in addition to, or instead of, withdrawing; we may begin to act out in anger. We may remain angry and resentful forever; or else we may eventually learn that because someone else has managed to exercise such unrelenting power of us, we "must be" helpless, powerless, second-class, individuals. The more strong-minded among us may come to hate ourselves for being so powerless. The less independent-minded may passively accept this second-class place in the world. Regardless of one's personality, never being allowed to make choices in day-to-day life would cause stress. Long-term stress is not healthy, but even short-term stress can cause difficulty being able to concentrate.

If any one of us thinks back to being a young child most of us realize that we were the same person then that we are now - only now we know more. Most us will see our younger, smaller, selves as "human beings". Our children (no matter how small or young they are) are human beings, just like we were at their age.

The role of parents is, of course, to set up some basic rules and structure in the home. Children are children and can't be allowed to have their say in a lot of things. When parents have a set of basic, reasonable, rules about behavior; and when they up a normal, basic, structure for day-to-day life children learn about living. Most of the time children see the reasoning and value in basic rules. They usually understand why people can't just decide to stay home from school, or why people shouldn't hurt others. Most children (older than babies) understand that playing ball in the dining room may mean breaking Great-Grandma's antique vase. What they often can't understand is why they must wear the red shirt today, instead of the blue one they wanted to wear.

It can be difficult for a child to understand why someone expects him to eat peas (which make him want to gag), rather than offering him Lima beans (which he loves). Things like being expected to do homework when one is tired and hungry, or not being allowed to stay up another fifteen minutes until a favorite tv program is over, can be difficult for a child to understand. Having more consequences than just not understanding, however, being given no choices on some of the day-to-day decisions can just make for being unhappy or uncomfortable more than is necessary.

Children can't have choices on some of the more important matters, so having choices on some of the smaller matters in life helps them feel some sense of control. It helps them realize that their parents see them as human beings worthy of respect and empathy. Being given some choices allows them to feel understood. Children who are given choices, rather than commands, are given the chance to practice making choices. They're also given the chance to see any consequences that result from the choices they, themselves, make. Life is full of choices, and part of being prepared to make the right choices is having the chance to see how the whole "process of making choices" works.

Most of us have seen the completely ineffective parent, who has read parenting books and decided to use the "give-choices" technique on their child. We've seen the mother who stands helplessly by and asks "Little Freddy" if he wants to eat his lunch. "Little Freddy", bouncing off the walls, yells back, "No." "Little Freddy's" mother has made the mistake of giving her child the choice of eating lunch or not. She may have read about the technique of offering choices, but she doesn't understand what must be behind the technique. "Little Freddy" may not feel like a badgered, controlled, person; but he won't get the right kind of benefits by being given the choice of whether he wants to eat (or, for that matter, whether he wants to bounce off the walls).

A more effective approach would be if this child's mother said, "Freddy, it's time for lunch. Do you want a cheese sandwich or soup and crackers?" "Little Freddy", who really doesn't want to stop his frenetic activity anyway, sees that - at least - he gets to choose a lunch he prefers. Suddenly, eating lunch seems more appealing to this "billiard ball" child; and Mom seems pretty cool for offering a lunch he likes.

In the case of an out-of-control child, like "Freddy," when a parent has something more "understanding" to say, even out-of-control children are more likely to listen. Some children, however, are not out-of-control. Contrary to the sample of "Freddy," some children are not "given an inch" when it comes to making even the smallest choices. They are given commands, expected to follow those commands immediately, and sometimes intimidated into doing just that. These children will do one or two things: 1) They may learn to tune out what parents say and do what they want to do, or 2) they may become badgered into passive obedience. Neither of these outcomes is healthy for children, parents, or the parent/child relationship. In the former scenario children learn that what parents means little or nothing. In the latter scenario, children's self-esteem and relationship with their parents are not nurtured in the way they should be.

Adults or children, we all must live in a world where there are times we don't have some choices.
By virtue of being young, children have fewer choices than adults do. Most of us have heard the poignant song, Bless the Beasts and the Children (by Perry Botkin Jr., Borry De Vorzon and recorded by the late Karen Carpenter, as well as Perry Como and others), with the line, "for in this world they have no voice. They have no choice."

We can't give our children a choice in whether or not they go to school, whether they stay up all night until dawn, or whether we sell the house and move out of state, or whether Grandpa dies. We can, however, easily give them choice when it comes to some of the more minor matters in day-to-day life; and when we do we are showing them respect and empathy.

When children are treated with respect and empathy, and when it is the people to whom they most look up who model respect and empathy; they learn to be respectful, empathetic, people. More importantly, they learn that in a world and in a life that so often gives them no voice and no choice, the people who love them most will find ways to give them the gift of some say and control over how things are done.