How I Chose a Nursing Home for Mom

Choosing to put my mother in a nursing home was a difficult decision but I knew it was the right thing to do. She would have the care and supervision she needed and we could just not provide that environment. Choosing the right facility was almost as hard as making the decision to send her to a nursing home in the first place.

Mom had always been the steady one in the family. Widowed in her early 30s, she worked at two jobs, raised three kids and sent us to college and was responsible for our successful business careers. As adults, whenever we needed encouragement or advice, she was always there for us.

When does a nursing home becomes necessary?

Then at age 85, she seemed to begin fading away mentally. Her once neat apartment was becoming cluttered. She forgot a boiling pot on the stove, and it was scorched, almost setting her kitchen on fire. Her once-brilliant mind was confused, and she just couldn't handle everyday needs any more while living alone.

We moved her in with us, where we believed the everyday activity could help stimulate her. Both my wife and I had full-time careers, and Mom had always been happy to be with our kids. However, after just a few weeks, we realized that Mom could no longer take care of the kids, nor of herself any more.

Spend time with your loved one and review their living conditions to see if there are any problems. Discuss the situation with your family and share any experiences or incidents that might confirm the decision. Discuss the situation with your loved one and see how they feel about their independence, suggesting way it will make their life easier.

Looking for the appropriate nursing home

We had to choose a nursing home for Mom. In addition to being a very emotional decision, we had to find a place that provided the best care and met other vital needs. We began to research local facilities within the budget we had to work with.

Location of the nursing home

Our first consideration had to be our continuing commitment to Mom's comfort and health. That meant the prospective nursing home had to be within easy commuting from our house.

We had heard all the horror stories of elderly people being abused and neglected by the caregivers. We intended to be able to visit Mom at least once a week, and more often when necessary. We also intended to visit unannounced at various times of day and evening, so we could always get a true picture of Mom's care.

Where to seek advice

We needed solid information about nursing homes near us relating to inspection records, cleanliness, staff qualifications, accommodations, fees, insurance coverages and other important factors. We consulted with Mom's physician, extended family and friends who had similar family experiences in recent years. We even went to consumer review websites like yelp.com to check reviews of specific facilities.

We inquired at Medicare about information on nursing homes in our area. Another great resource we used was the Eldercare Locator service, a service of the U.S. Administration on Aging for additional information.

From all the recommendation sources, we put together a list of nursing homes within 20 miles of our house. We finally narrowed it down to three choices.

How to pay for Mom's nursing home care

We visited all three, and took a tour of the facilities with Mom's doctor. We consulted with the nursing home administrators and reviewed the fees, rooms, dining area, medical station, outside grounds and other features.

Mom is a retired union member and her nursing home care would be partially paid by some Medicare and Social Security insurance. Mom also was covered by long-term care insurance. Mom also owned some bonds and other savings that would also be used to pay for her needs.

In our research, when first informed about the costs of nursing homes, we were shocked. Depending on the level of care, from independent room to skilled nursing, it could cost as much as $100,000 a year. Fortunately, Mom's insurance and government plans covered most of that amount. However, if you're considering placing an elderly parent in a nursing home, be sure you're absolutely knowledgeable about all possible financial help that can make the financial burden lighter.

Getting Mom to accept the nursing home

Mom is a proud, independent woman, and old age didn't dim her spirit. We couldn't just dump her off in a strange place and leave her. We made several visits with her to the three nearby nursing homes, and asked which she would prefer. Although she was obviously saddened by her situation, this responsibility seemed to give her a sense of confidence.

All's well that ends well

Mom has been at the nursing home for six months now. At first, she had complaints about her lack of privacy and the meals were not up to her standards of fine cooking. However, she gets frequent visits from relatives and her children, and has settled down to the routine.

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