How Your Church Can Help Adoptive Families

Rick Warren, pastor of Saddleback Church in Mission Viejo, California, recently told a gathering of church leaders in Colorado Springs to motivate more families in their churches to adopt orphans. Church congregations need to know the ways they can support an adoptive family or a foster family. My wife and I have adopted four of our children out of foster care and we have two boys who came to us at age 14 and age 19 as guardians. We, and other families like us, have had to educate their churches on their needs. We never had a baby shower for any of the kids who came to us as young as 5 weeks old and 7 years old. We had to negotiate with our church to have all four of ours dedicated as a family unit in 1995 when all of their adoptions were finalized at one time. And, yet, our church has also been a resource during times of need.

Be a "Student" of the Family

I encourage adoptive parents to "study" their children and the changes they will experience. In the same way, a pastor or counselor should know or anticipate the needs of an adoptive family which may be exactly identical to other families or they may change greatly as the children grow older.

Spiritual Input is Vital

We've had two wonderful women in our church pray through our house on three different occasions over a period of several years. Just telling a family "we'll pray for you" is spiritually impotent. Teach a family how to pray through Scriptures. Remember, too, that medicine is important. Don't "spiritualize" away the need for medications used for behavioral purposes. For some children, it's like wearing glasses.

Treat the Family the Same, But Anticipate Differences

Families who adopt internationally or out of foster care are providing the most intimate form of "ministry" available. Yet, they don't want to be promoted on a pedestal. They're just like other families and you should treat them the same. However, they are also different. Here are factors to consider:

Are there potential attachment disorder problems the child may experience?
Was there poor prenatal care?
Was drug or alcohol likely used by the birth mother during pregnancy? If adopted out of foster care, this is a likely scenario even if the child isn't classified as a "drug baby."
Does the child have learning disabilities?

The older a boy or girl becomes, the more potential differences from other children will surface. When three of our teens hit age 15, we saw certain issues explode - degrees of autistic behavior, stealing, and a feeling of disconnect from other kids. And, yet, our one son who has just graduated from high school is bright and hard-working. He's the "same" as other kids in the high school group.

Also, children who are adopted, especially out of foster care, may have an emotional age that's much younger than their birth age. It shouldn't be a surprise if they act more immature. But it shouldn't be a surprise if they fit right in. Again, being a "student" of the family is an important first step.

Have a Party for the Family

Hold a baby shower or welcoming party if the child is older.
Don't swamp an older child with gifts because they may be more attached to "things" than people.

Educate Yourself and have other Resources Available

Your church may have excellent parenting seminars. Our church recently had a seminar on "Understanding Your Teen." My wife and I laughed because we have been working on learning the many complex issues related to Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder, trauma and abuse, oppositional defiance and more during a 17 year stretch.

Authors such as Foster Kline and Rick Delaney have written excellent books on many issues related to trauma, attachment disorder and other key issues. Build a library and use these to supplement other parenting resources you may have available.

Alert - is there a Professional in the House?

Your church may have: psychologists, marriage and family counselors, and even handymen skilled in repairing doors and windows. A gift to us from two friends recently included replacing our front door which was kicked in by our 15-year-old daughter (who came to us at age 5 weeks).

Our psychologist has counseled my wife and I for 17 years. He's learned new things while helping our children at different stages. He's been respectful of the calling on our lives and the fact that our home has been the "last chance" for each of our children. It's been a quiet but necessary "outreach." He's been non-judgmental and empathetic and he's not been reimbursed for many of the hours of counseling he's provided.

An attorney who knows family law can assist a family in setting up a trust - which is especially important if a child is impaired and will never be able to support himself or herself.

Help Parents Get Away

Provide a parents' night out for adoptive and foster families, not just from your church but from congregations around the area.

If you tell a mom or dad to get away for the weekend, help find families who will take in the children. Finding homes for our kids would take my wife hours and it was almost too much work to get away for an overnight or two days. She had to write extensive notes on when the kids needed their medications, what doses and where they needed to be for their activities.

I believe that families in your church, acting from a calling of faith, should proceed as adoptive families even for children who may grow up being among the toughest of the tough or the most puzzling of the puzzled.

Adoption is an act of love and redemption. But it's also a lifestyle and a life-long pursuit. Don't shy away from the chance to offer a home to a child no one else will take. But be prepared and be prepared to keep learning.