How College Bikers Are Destroying America

Imagine walking to class one day and witnessing a large circle of fellow students, surrounding something on the ground. That something used to be a person who was a victim of a hit-and-run by a college bicyclist. Little Jimmy wanted to be a doctor when he grew up, but now he can't. Why? Because he's dead.

Now open your eyes and take a look around your college sidewalks. Doesn't seem so funny anymore, does it? Bikers are all around us, speeding by with their haughty selves, completely unaware of how the Grim Reaper himself employs their shiny wheels.

You know the scenario: You are walking along, minding your own business, maybe enjoying an old Fergie single on your I-Pod. Your class is to the east of you so you start to scoot left, when all of a sudden - death brushes your coat buttons in the form of a college student riding a bike. You dive off the sidewalk and into the sweet safety of the grass, knowing full well how close you came to being road kill.

At this point they may apologize, but do not fall for their tricks. They are not sorry. In fact, they laugh at your mortal existence and hop onto their bike again seconds later, once again on their throne of sidewalk immortality.

Sure, we must be idiots to walk fifteen minutes to every class in the blistering cold without some sort of vehicle, but the difference has segregated college populations everywhere. I even suspect that there is a super cool hide-out where all the bikers go and laugh about all the Walkers, while planning new ways to destroy us. Laughing. Always laughing...

Unless you would like your four years of education to end in a body bag, I advise you read my survival tips that I have devised out of spite for those pavement monsters.

ALWAYS SIGNAL A LEFT-HAND TURN: Most bicycle/walker collisions occur on left-hand turns when the walker is clueless to the death-on-wheels approaching. If you are turning, be sure to fully extend your arm and make a waving motion at least three times. For extra confidence, you are allowed to shout, "I Am About To Turn Left."

WEAR A HELMET: Bike helmets aren't just for bikers anymore. If anything, pedestrians are the ones most at risk. Always wear your helmet whenever you leave your home. My helmet is blue. And has a gold stripe down the middle.

CARRY A WEAPON: It doesn't have to be a gun or anything complex. Something as simple as a metal pipe will get the job done when duty calls. You must carry your weapon for the inevitable Bikers versus Walkers gang fights that I predict will occur within the next few years. Always be thinking about them. Even if you are asleep, you must listen for the satanic whirring sound of their wheels in your dreams.

You may know a Biker or two. Some Bikers may even pose as your friends. It is all a hoax, I assure you - Bikers can never be friends with Walkers. Be smart and you'll be safe. God speed.