How to Come Out to a College Roommate

Let's face it: college is horrifying. Big school, lots of classes, tough grades, competition, jobs, internships, mean professors.... Sometimes, all you want is to sink into your bed in the dorm and not face another day of it. But what about when you feel like a stranger in your dorm because you're gay and it seems as though no one will like you if you say it out loud? Sometimes the best choice is to come out to your roommate.

As with all coming outs, no matter who they are directed at, there are two things to always keep in mind: be confident with yourself, and remember that it is a choice. If you don't feel you can confidently identify as gay, lesbian, or bisexual, perhaps you should reevaluate your goals in coming out. You may still be trying to figure things out, or you may be queer/questioning. You choose the word you put to your feelings, so know which one you feel most confident about. No one needs to know this information, also. You hear the argument that no heterosexual has to say, "Mom, Dad, I'm straight." This guide is intended for people who believe they are being honest in coming out, or who have another reason. (Remember, though: anger, frustration, and revenge are never reasons to come out.)

The first step to coming out to your roommate is knowing when to do so. Some people meet their roommates in advance, whether through online rooming services or from meeting prior to college. Perhaps you believe this is the right time. Some students may choose to wait until room change week, so either roommate may switch rooms if discomfort arises. Try to decide which would work best for you: before school begins, when there's time to change roommates, or even toward the end of the year, when you're familiar with each other.

Next, get a feel of the environment. What sort of college are you doing to? California schools usually have a more gay-friendly population compared to schools in the Bible Belt. What's your roommate like? Ask about their clubs (GSA or Diversity Club?), favorite TV shows (Queer as Folk?), or favorite celebrities (Neil Patrick Harris?). Perhaps they won't volunteer gay-friendly material, so ask about something that could lead to such a conversation. Dropping hints about your sexuality is relatively simple without giving away any real information. If you're comfortable with your roommate already, you can possibly venture into politics and religion to get a sense of what those say about their attitude.

When you finally come out, there are several things to remember. First, be calm. You're not admitting to robbing a bank or telling them about your dark past as a criminal mastermind. You're telling them that you have crushes on the same gender, in a few words. Secondly, be straightforward. There's no need to draw out the, "Look, Rachel, there's something about me... well, don't say anything yet because I'm nervous... well, I've been trying to think of a way to tell you...." It makes you sound guilty and scared, two feelings that should not be associated with your sexuality. You love people! You have emotions! You fall in love! Those are things to celebrate! Thirdly, keep an even head about their reaction. Some people act indifferently, some congratulate you (yes, congratulate you!), some ask questions, and some need time to think. Anticipate any reaction, and move on to have a wonderful day. Any disagreements can wait a little longer. You've just done something many people struggle with for years, and now it's off your chest!

Remember to use your resources. Resident Assistants can help you deal with these emotions, as can campus psychologists and others. You're trying to improve your experience at college and make your dorm into a safe, inviting home. Congratulations!