How to Commit the Seven Deadly Sins

A commonly overlooked thought is that there needs to be a steady balance of good and evil for the whole biblical system to work. Look at it this way. The forces of evil spend all their time pressuring everyone to commit some kind of sins. The forces of good spend all day sitting on the shoulders of man and telling them not to do any sinning. Without evil, what would good do? They're nice guys. They just don't know how to not talk about work. So, take a moment out of your nice, puritan ways, to do some sinning. It's for everyone's own good, really. Just follow this easy guide and you'll be on the fast track to damnation. Give those little shoulder angels something to argue about.

1. Sloth- Ahh, the easiest of the seven deadlies and my personal favorite. Sloth is easy to accomplish. What do you have to do today? Go to work? Feed the cat? Water the plants? Well, don't. That's right, don't do them. Instead, grab yourself a carton of ice cream and plop down in front of the television to watch some cartoons. The key is to find a program that literally turns your brain to mush. You can't think too hard about it. That'd ruin everything.
You have to remember when attempting this sin that normal society frowns on someone who isn't doing anything. You'll have to deal with angry relatives, bosses, and coworkers if you really get into it. To get rid of them, stop showering and start drooling. You'll be left to your slow moving sinful ways in no time.

2. Wrath- Wrath isn't all that easy if you're the peaceful type. Some people are so in tune with peace that they shudder at even thinking of smiting some nitwit down with mighty rage. These people are called "hippies."
The key to maintaining a good rage is practice. If you can't bring yourself to be angry at a person, start with bugs. Let a fly into your room and spend the next couple of minutes trying to ignore it and squashing it when it's not paying attention. After half an hour, you'll be ready to smite that little bugger readily. Soon, you'll be ready to let those emotions flow on everyone within a five mile radius. Go get 'em buddy.

3. Gluttony- Gluttony isn't really hard to do. All you need to do is find something you enjoy, and do it until you feel sick. Then, keep going. I'm not sure if throwing up is a prerequisite, but in all the classic cases of Gluttony, it's usually there. You need to find a balance, however, because too much of anything will kill you, and you don't want to die. You just want to grease the bucket a bit before you kick it.
So, let's say that you decide to be a glutton for food. You should spend every available moment either eating or searching for food. I mean, hey, why not? I don't know who first coined the phrase "if it feels good, do it" but I'm fairly sure it was some old, withered guru. And heck, if the gurus are okay with it, so am I!

4. Pride- Well, depending on how many sins you're already committing, this could be hard. All you have to do is look at your lazy self gorging on ice cream while silently burning with rage and decide that you are the coolest person around. All bow before you, as you are the pinnacle of over 4000 years of evolution. Errr, history. Whatever you believe in.
Just start looking down on everyone and you'll be fine. As I said, the hardest part is looking at yourself, seeing your faults, and deciding that they aren't faults at all. They're actually what everyone should be doing to be as cool as you. You pompous jerk.

5. Lust- Aaah, lust. This, I think, is the most popular of all sins. People have been doing it since the dawn of time. All you need to do to be proficient in lust is find someone attractive. Don't bother yourself with personality! We're here to sin, not fall in love!
Anyway, just continue to think about this attractive person day in and day out. Try to find some way to get with them. Eventually, it'll all fall into place. Lust: your easy way out for one stop sinning.

6. Envy- This is another tricky one. I know you're trying to think of yourself as the best example of a person there is, but you have to take a step back and realize that there is someone out there with more stuff than you. A better life, a better car, whatever it is you want. Someone else has it.
To fully understand this one, go out and buy a really cheap, junky car that's a danger to yourself and others. Then, drive around until you find yourself at a red light next to someone with a mercades. Notice the sunglasses and the nice tie. Now look at your crappy car, and think two words: "That bastard."
And voila! Envy.

7. Greed- Greed and envy go hand in hand! The only difference is that in envy, you want something. In greed, you hoard something. It could be money, candy, water, or whatever it is you have in your bomb shelter that you'd be damned if you let the neighbors have when the apocalypse comes.
The easiest way to be greedy is to accumulate money. The more money you have, the more you're going to be able to buy other, new, shiny things to hoard. Buy a bigger house to store all your crap in. Get more money. Get more houses, and hoard those too.
With greed, all you really need is to want. Start wanting, and start being greedy.

Follow these easy steps, and you too can even out the balance of good and evil. Remember, your life is your own. Time to throw a little sin in there to really leave your mark on it before you have to give it up.
Oh yeah, errr, salvation not included.