How to Communicate with Children Who Refuse to Listen

Many parents, myself and my wife included have trouble dealing with children that refuse to listen at times. Part of the problem though is we as parents fail to realize each child is different in many ways. Two of the key things to consider are the age of the child, and what motivates the child who is refusing to listen. The age sort of reflects their maturity and ability to adjust to certain types of coaching and parenting. Motivation differs greatly from child to child, but is something that parents must understand about the child that they are trying to teach to listen to them.

Age

Parents can encounter children of every age range that refuse to listen. Some will refuse to listen because they don't understand what is being asked of them and others will refuse out of defiance. Age has a significant part in determining the situation you are facing as a parent. With younger children quite often such as toddlers they really don't understand what is being asked of them. Parents should use demonstrations and acting out what they want their children to learn as a more common tool instead of conversations. Keep in mind even as adults we don't always understand what our colleagues, spouses and supervisors want when it is just explained verbally. Imagine if you didn't understand many of the words the person trying to get you to listen to them was using? This is the case quite often with toddlers. For things like instructing them not to hit, hold their hand and say "no" while shaking your head and the same time and holding the hand firm enough so they can't move it. If they are going to touch something that might hurt them, try demonstrating but then showing them you are in pain so they can see it will hurt (you don't have the experience the actual pain yourself).

Older children also might have difficulty understanding different words, but another factor also comes into play. That is the fact they might be in a rebellious stage. If your child is at an age where they are starting to rebel, make sure you let them know you understand what they are doing and that you did the same thing when you were there age. Don't deny that you ever were rebellious, because eventually through relatives or family friends if they find out you were, they will discount anything you told them due to your untruthfulness with them. Expect minor levels of rebellion and refusal to listen to you as a parent. Part of being a child is learning the degree they can push authority figures. Due to that fact though, do not give in. If you cave any time they rebel they will continue to try to push the envelope to see how far they can push it with you. As children learn the limits and what they can and can't get away with, their rebellious stages will start to subside and they will be easier to communicate with. One thing to keep in mind though is that although many parents want to be a parent and their child's best friend sometimes the two roles contradict and you must be a parent first and foremost.

Motivation

Motivation is a harder subject to address in broad terms because every individual is motivated by different things. The key is you are your child's parent and you should know your child better than anyone else. By knowing them in that way, you should also know how they act towards motivation methods. Will negative motivation just result in your child withdrawing into a shell? Will they feel challenged to improve? Will they become confrontational with you? These are things you need to consider. Yes, many children respond to positive motivation involving rewards better than negative, but as a parent you need to create a balance between those two. Even if your child reacts negatively towards negative motivation it still must be used at times when it is necessary to show strong boundaries and the parent-child borders in your relationship. Meanwhile, being overly negative and punishing your child all the time could result in further communication problems. Try setting goals for your child when you would normally punish them instead. Tell them, if you do this again you will get this punishment, but if I see you improving in this area, these rewards will be yours. Remember, base the rewards on the interests of your child. Not all children react the same way to rewards as their peer group. As a parent, you are the one that knows your child best and can determine the rewards and/or punishments that will generate the most beneficial reactions in improving the situation.

Summary

In the end, it's all about communication. The more you communicate with your child you will learn two things. The first is you will learn what is the best way to communicate with your child to limit their refusal to listen. You can also take the information you gather from communicating with your child and use that to motivate through positive and negative strategies based on the personality of your child. Parenting is never an exact science, observing and knowing your child are the keys to success.