How to Communicate with an Emotionally Distant Husband

Do you feel frustrated because it appears your husband is emotionally distant when you try to communicate with him? Are you unsure as to what to do when your husband is emotionally distant? To help understand why your husband could be emotionally distant and what you can do to better communicate with your husband, I have interviewed therapist Travis Frye.

Tell me a little bit about yourself?
"I am a Licensed Professional Counselor by the Arizona Board of Behavioral Health Examiners. I am an Advanced Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist and I am in the process of certification. My private practice is Crossroads Family Counseling Center, LLC located in beautiful Anthem, Arizona."

What are some signs that a husband is emotionally distant?
"The key to determining emotional distance or closeness in your husband is how he responds during times of vulnerability. The question to be asked is, "What happens when you or others go to him for comfort and emotional connection?" Does he dismiss, avoid, or minimize his or your needs for closeness and connection? Perhaps he uses humor or changes the subject. Maybe he tends to focus on tasks and activities such as the computer, TV, or working out in the garage. In short, avoiding both his and your needs to feel safe, secure, and close especially in those critical moments where comfort is needed is the key sign of an emotionally distant husband."

Why is it that some husbands are emotionally distant and have a difficult time expressing their feelings to their wife?
"Men who tend to avoid their emotions and need for closeness have often been taught that it is not okay for them to be vulnerable. Men are inundated with messages from early on that being strong means not needing others and not expressing softer emotions such as hurt, fear, or sadness. "Suck it up," or "Be strong," and "Pull yourself up by the boot straps," are some of the common messages sent to men. Male cultural role models like Rambo, James Bond, and Indiana Jones who depict strength as being fiercely independent and any other emotion other than anger as being weak. Ultimately, men are taught from society, culture, and even their families (dads and moms) that needing others and expressing softer emotion is not okay."

What can a wife do to help her husband communicate his feelings?
"Keep in mind that many husbands who have a difficult time sharing emotionally really do care; it is just that they have a hard time sharing or are afraid. They may never or very rarely have been allowed to express vulnerability and so believe they do not know how to do it. The fear could be of appearing weak, soft, or vulnerable. It could be a fear of rejection or of getting it wrong and then causing more hurt, pain, and separation in the relationship. The best thing you can do as a wife is to work hard to build the level of safety in the relationship. Do not allow any hurt you may feel to turn into anger that leads to attacks and criticism. One way of doing this is to soften your approach by viewing your husband as a person who really needs a loving connection but perhaps is overwhelmed by emotions and afraid of vulnerability. Understand that he is not running away from you, but what he is running away from is the fear of rejection, getting it wrong thus making things worse, and being seen as weak."

What advice do you have for a wife who has a relationship with a husband who is emotionally distant?
"The best advice I have is to do your best to respond with care, compassion, and comfort. Men have to feel really safe to express vulnerability. Men also need a sense of security that even if they get it wrong that you will still be there. Even more, men need to know that if they share the most vulnerable parts of who they are that they will be loved and accepted. Many times this process cannot be done alone. Seeing a professional who understands emotion and human needs for closeness can help to provide the safety and guidance needed."

"I remember a counseling session with a couple I was working with where the husband took a huge risk by becoming very vulnerable and sharing how much he loved and cared for his wife. Now in most situations such as this the wife's response is one of mutual care and emotion. However, with this couple she was the one to totally dismiss his emotion and heartfelt need for closeness. She just kind of laughed it off and before I could do anything the husband had put his wall back up. If you really want your husband to open up emotionally I do not recommend that you dismiss his emotion and needs as being invalid. Nor do I suggest that you allow your frustration with the lack of intimacy to turn into attacks and criticism."

Thank you Travis for the interview on how to communicate with an emotionally distant husband. If you would like more information on Travis Frye you can check out his website on www.crossroadsfcc.com.

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