How Compliments Work

Of course, most of us know the pleasure of receiving but many may not know what we set in motion by adopting a compliment mindset and looking for opportunity to express them towards others.

Monica Strobel does and the author of The Compliment Quotient shares what you can do to feel better, connect stronger and create a ripple of good things around you.

Q: Are we really an overly compliment-deficient society?

A . Compliments are overlooked as being simply mannerly or to be given only occasionally, rather than the relationship building, attitude adjusting, success boosting tools they are.

People admit to holding back giving compliments for all sorts of reasons. Often, they don't say something kind or nice because they are afraid of looking silly or coming across as "sucking up," or they don't want to give someone else a leg up on them or they think it has to be something huge to earn a compliment.

Q: If we give more compliments, how does that really change our relationships with strangers, co-workers and family?

A. Giving a compliment to a stranger is a completely generous action, which has the same physiological benefit as the feel-good sensation you get when you smile at others or volunteer your time.

With your co-workers, a compliment reinforces something positive while even momentarily letting your gripes fade to the background, and reflects back positively on the giver of the compliment, as everyone craves being around more upbeat people - even negative people do.

Complimenting family members allows you to step back from these very familiar people to see them from a viewpoint outside of irritations and instead, mirror back to them their best selves. Each of us desires to be appreciated and compliments are a simple way to uplift the other person and establish or keep a positive direction from which to build stronger connections, esteem and trust.

Q: How would you respond to people who might say that giving compliments to give compliments, when either someone is rarely or never deserving behavior-wise or the giver of them isn't sincerely motivated to do such, is maybe dishonest and unnecessary?

A. Complimenting someone for one positive thing they do among many negatives is not being disingenuous nor excusing the undeserving behavior as much as it is focusing exclusively on the good, and also provides the receiver important feedback.

This may help the behavior-challenged person to see how their actions are perceived and they often, even unknowingly, try to live up to our better vision of them. Yet, it might not change anything, which is not your responsibility. Your role is only to give a genuine compliment.

Giving insincere praise, for instance, what we consider "brown-nosing" or backhanded compliments, falls into the same category as other false or mean-spirited behavior done for personal gain and eventually backfires on the giver.

Q: You write that compliments are more powerful than we think. How and in what ways?

A. A simple compliment embodies and transmits many fundamental qualities, including generosity, gratitude, appreciation, esteem, hope and more, wrapped up in an all-in-one, pay-it-forward comment.

These strongly felt qualities and emotions resonate joyfully with both the giver and the receiver, to uplift their mood and outlook, even for a moment, right on the spot. The words we use have a tremendous influence both on who is saying them and how they leave a picture in the mind of the person who hears them.

Criticizing reinforces incompetence whereas compliments help reinforce a positive self-image and create a encouraging place from which to move forward.

Compliments are powerful because they happen "in the now," which has been identified as one of the keys to being happier, and they are taking action, essentially putting the giver in the driver's seat of doing something positive.

Q: How can compliments best serve family, work and romantic relationships?

A. To give a genuine compliment, couples must refocus their attention onto something positive. A compliment interrupts the patterns of common couples' gripes and resentments. Compliments are simple ways to counteract taking for granted, which can slowly eat away at the connection between partners. Plus, passion is directly related to one's sense of self, and everyone wants to hear how desirable they still are to their mate.

Children, despite seeming at times to go out of their way to do the opposite of what we ask, have an innate desire for increase and will naturally grow into the vision we hold and speak of them. Powerfully focusing on what they are doing well instead of berating them for what they are doing wrong helps them grow in this positive direction.

Parents can head off having their kids try to get it in negative places, such as harmful friendships or behaviors, by conveying appreciation and respect for them and their efforts.

Q. How can they best serve and be accurately interpreted by strangers?

A. It's hard to keep a positive attitude amid common frustrations such as traffic tie-ups and confusing telephone menus let alone difficult co-workers, grumpy neighbors and a seemingly less civil world. Yet the right attitude makes the difference in success in life and relationships.

Who knows what annoyance, loneliness or fear you can assuage in that stranger waiting with you at the deli counter or post office line with a simple acknowledgment or words of praise.

Of course, in today's society, people do need to be a bit circumspect about complimenting someone of the opposite sex. Yet a friendly compliment delivered with sincere words and not overly intrusive or repetitive, is gratefully appreciated and can still be a pleasant conversation starter at a social or work gathering.

Again, if your motive is genuine, you are not responsible for how the compliment is taken. For instance, I heard that a woman reacted with some hostility when a man told her that she "looked healthy." He shouldn't second-guess what he thought was a kind remark because of her response.

Monica Strobel, the Compliment Coach, is author of the new book, The Compliment Quotient: Boost Your Spirits, Spark Your Relationships and Uplift the World , available at Amazon.com. A writer and speaker, she builds on 25 years of communications expertise and is dedicated to empowering busy women to get more joy into and out of their lives more easily.www.complimentquotient.com