How to Confront a Husband Who Has Molested Your Child

Hearing that your child has been molested is bad enough, to hear that the molester was your husband is even more devastating. The way you handle this situation is very important. Keep the children safe, clear your head and talk with someone you are close to before confronting your husband.

Child molestation can range from having the child undress, touching the child's genitals in a sexual manner or forcing the child to perform oral sex or to have sexual intercourse. For most child molesters, it is not something they can stop on their own. Estimates are that only 35% of sexual abuse is reported. Most abusers were sexually abused themselves.

Keep the child safe

Let the child know how brave he/she was for coming forward. Do not let the child be alone with their father; this would include the child sleeping in the same home. Do not assume if everyone is sleeping that nothing can happen because child molestation happens all the time! Do not give him another opportunity to hurt your children.

Let yourself calm down before confronting your husband

Although it is hard, try to calm down before confronting him about the molestation and do not confront him when the children are around. Getting yourself calmed down can make this confrontation a little easier for both of you. Arrange for the children to be at a friend or family members house when you confront your husband about molesting your child.

It is very hard, as a wife, to accept the fact that your husband could do such a horrific act. Your mind may wander as you try to make sense of everything. How can the man you love and sleep with every night hurt a child - his own child!

Should you confront your husband?

If possible, talk to family or a close friend before confronting him. Let him or her know that your child was molested, so you will have some support from family or a friend. If there is any chance that your husband could turn abusive toward you, it will be best to confront him with other adults present or possibly better handled by the police.

How to confront your husband

Determining how to confront your husband will depend on what type of person he is. You may be able to sit at the kitchen table and tell him that you know he has been molesting your child and what actions you plan to take. On the other hand, you may have to get the police to remove him from your home.

If you are going to confront your husband:

* Be direct and to the point.

* Give him matter-of-fact information about what you know.

* Insist that he get help from a qualified psychiatrist.

* Do not let him turn it around and try to convince you that the child is lying.

Keep the children safe

No matter how you go about confronting your husband, your focus needs to be on the safety of the child/children. A child seeing their father handcuffed and taken away by police can be a traumatic experience. It can be even more traumatic if the child knows their father is being taken away because of something they told you.

Not all mothers will report the molestation to the police. Perhaps they assume that he will not get therapy if he is in jail or they may worry he could lose his job. Whatever the reason, there are wives who keep it quiet about their child being molested. The sad thing about not turning him in is that he may molest other children if he is free to walk the streets. If you are considering keeping the molestation quiet please reconsider and think of the other children that may be molested by him.

Denial
Although you may be in denial when you first hear that your child was molested by your husband, you need to face the facts and take action immediately. Most child molesters will deny everything in the beginning. Other molesters may admit to "accidentally" touching. And there are men who will deny it until the day they die. Most likely they are extremely embarrassed that they were caught. Others do not like those who hurt children! Even hard-core prisoners do not like men who hurt children.

Family and Friends
Your family and close friends should be there for you as you try to get things back to normal. Once a child is molested, he/she will never forget about it. So really, "normal" will never be normal for them again. Be there for your children and keep them safe. Let them know they can always come to you for anything. They trust and depend on you.

For information on early diagnosis and effective treatment for child abuse visit Child Molestation Research & Prevention Institute or Child Help.

Justice for Children provides signs of sexual abuse and information on how to protect your child.