How to Confront Your Partner

Maybe it's a small thing: they are always forgetting to turn out a light. They never seem to hear you when you ask them to help with the laundry. Maybe it's something far more serious. Whatever the issue, trying to confront your partner can be difficult. Trying to figure out how to engage them can be as stress inducing as the problem. It doesn't have to be this way though.

You Are Not In This To Win

When confronting your partner, it's important to have the right mind set. Successful conflict is not about your victory, it is about improving your relationship. If you go in with the attitude of "victory at all cost" you might end up celebrating alone.

Set The Mood

Never confront your partner when you are angry. Even if you think you are hiding it, they know you better than anyone and will instinctively pick up on signals others would miss. You need to make sure you are genuinely calm before you start the conversation. How can you expect a reasonable and calm response when you yourself are upset? Also, avoid confrontation in front of others. It may be tempting to "teasingly" confront them in front of friends or family, but this can easily lead to resentment that will last long after the argument is resolved.

Choose Your Starting Statement

The first sentence in your conversation about the issue is the most crucial. If you put them on the defensive with your first words, then everything else you say is wasted. Avoid saying things like "you always..." or "I'm tired of...". These statements all but guarantee a defensive or hostile response. Try not to use speculative language either. Saying "You might not know it but.." or "I'm sure you haven't noticed but.." Then there is the worst phrase: "this may seem silly but.." If I'm going to think it's silly, then why are we talking about it?

Lead The On a Voyage of Discovery

Instead of saying "If you don't stop wasting money on beer, we will never pay of the credit card." Try an excited declaration. "Hey honey, I was doing the math and I realized that if we cut back our expenses by about a hundred dollars a month, we could pay of the credit card and get that new TV. Can you look at this with me and see where we could cut back?"

This type of statement is important for several reasons. It invites them to join in a solution already in progress and it defines a tangible, positive result. There is also another, slightly more subtle element at work. Remember that whole partnership thing? Well, it's give and take. As you are going over the budget you might have to give up something as well. Remember, your partner is not the enemy. The problem is the enemy.

No matter the exact tactic you choose, the key is respect and fairness. If you are bothered by something unreasonable, then enlist your partner's help in confronting that rather than making unfair demands for change on their part. Don't just ask for their side of the story, let both sides show themselves and be objective in your assessment of each. If you are willing to compromise, it is your relationship that wins.