How Congress Spent My Summer Vacation

August in America. It's hot. But the simple word "hot" doesn't really do justice to this collision of cruelties, this hellish mix of heat, humidity and no football. It's so hot that the TV weather people - who all have names like Tempe, and Biff, and Bink - start making up "hot" alternate words like "convection" and "dew point" and "the feels like temperature" and "Do tonight's remote from where? South Florida? In August? Get my agent on the phone!"

August. It's so hot that in downtown Detroit half the buildings are on fire, unlike mid-winter, when downtown Detroit is freezing, and half the buildings are on fire. It's so hot that it melts the vital stupidity inhibitors in people's brains, prompting normally clever people to corner you in public places, grinning broadly and yelling things like "So! Hot enough for ya?"

I've never understood that convivial communication. Hot enough? I'm drenched in sweat and the side of my head that's closest to the equator looks like a Salvador Dali painting. That's just about hot enough for me, yes. Thanks for asking!

Why is heat special? I mean, in the face of other adversities, we're not sadistically teased about it; we're not constantly queried. Nobody ever points to your bee sting, or that swelling you picked up after that dare involving some crazy glue and a squid, grins broadly, and asks, "So! Infected enough for ya?"

"So! Hot enough for ya?" On the Just-Be-Quiet-O-Meter, that's right up there with "So! Working hard, or hardly working?" and "I tell you what!" which, in the South, is a complete sentence.

August. Hot, yes. But life must go on. Congress, just back from their Fourth of July break, took the whole month of August off as a paid vacation, just like you and I get to do every year. But suddenly, House Speaker Salvador Pelosi ordered them all back to Washington to approve some more spending, using some more imaginary money that she'd forgotten to dream up earlier. (This clutch of clowns can't even get a vacation right.) But, selfless public servants that they are, they wasted no time and got right down to Minding The People's Business, holding closed-door debates on crucial national security issues, like banning chewing tobacco in Pro Baseball.

Nor was academia sitting around this summer, twiddling their thumbs. Scientists in the theoretical mathematics department at MIT finally came up with a number large enough to accurately measure Glenn Beck's systolic blood pressure. It's hoped that this astronomically massive new uber-integer will finally allow mortal science to calculate the President's ego.

And speaking of the President: in August, after checking poll results, the White House announced that it was the President's birthday. Conservative pundits immediately complained about the President scheduling a critical birthday event during a Congressional recess.

But citizens rushed to flood the White House with birthday greetings, some signed, some sent anonymously, plus one that never got delivered at all, after it was allegedly purchased and then allegedly vanished. (Representative Charlie Rangel insisted it was an "oversight" and he looks forward to a full and open investigation.) Shortly, it was discovered that the majority of the greeting cards were made by Hallmark, causing the American Greetings card company to apply for a federal bailout, which was denied.

(I'm just kidding, obviously, about the American Greetings part. Of course they weren't denied a bailout.)

Moreover, we've been able to get a peek at some of the actual birthday cards the President received, thanks to a top-shelf, selfless, public-service-oriented website named "wiki leaks," which may be the dumbest name for a website since "TheFeelsLikeTemperature.com." Let's take a look:

• Happy Birthday! So glad to hear that you DO have a birth certificate!

• Happy Birthday! Should today be a federal holiday, or a religious holiday?

• Happy Birthday! (This large green card was funded by the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act)

• Happy Birthday! Hope you enjoy the nice election we bought you. Love, the AFL-CIO

• Happy Birthday! I miss you so much. Madame Speaker (guess what I'm wearing)

• Happy Birthday! Sorry this card is late - I know that, in Indonesia, it's already tomorrow.

• Happy Birthday! Karl sends his best. Meet me in the graveyard at midnight and I'll give you the plans for phase two. Vladimir

• Happy Birthday, 44! Hillary & I sure did miss you at the wedding!

• Happy [censored] Birthday from the Blagojevich family! Your [censored] present is under the troll in the [censored] Rose [censored] Garden, you [censored] bag of [extremely censored].

But even a summer like this one eventually comes to an end. Summer vacations are wrapping up, and kids are getting ready to go back to school. Many eager youngsters will be required to compose that standard summer's end essay, "How I Spent My Summer Vacation." Not many eager youngsters will actually turn in the project, however, because they're all too bitter about school-banned junk food, or too busy learning how to don school-supplied condoms.

So let's give the kids a hand. Let's share some of the books we've read this summer and get those creative writing juices flowing. For those who waited till the last minute to begin their end-of-summer essay, here's a handy list of some very, very short reads:

• "Hee-Haw's Most Hilarious Episodes "

• "America's Favorite Raw Pork Recipes"

• "How To Keep A Secret" by Joe Biden

• "Award-Winning Segments On MSNBC"

• "Women I Highly Respect" by Bill Clinton

• "A More Effective Muslim Outreach: NASA's Best Ideas"

• "Our Relevant Opinions On Stuff" by Lady Gaga, Jimmy Carter and Prince

• "Great Barbecuing Ideas Using Bifidus Regularis"

• "Gangsta Rap's Contributions to Love Ballads"

• "The Compleat List Of Satisfied Prius Owners"

• "Things That Are My Fault" by Barack Obama

Extra credit essay question: In 250 words or less, list any expressions you can think of that are funnier than "don a condom."