How to Cook Manly Chili for Sissies

Have you had dinner at someone's home and been served a bowl of pasta with unidentifiable chunks in the sauce? If you're anything like me, I'm sure you struggled to find the best way to scrape out all those little pieces of onions, tomatoes, peppers, etc. using your fork without calling too much attention to yourself. It helps if they have a dog you can slip them to under the table. I essentially have eight-year-old kid taste in food; I like it plain and simple. If I can't identify it, there's no way I'm going eat it without making my UKKK! face. Because I love the taste of chili, but hate the onions, peppers, and the other unidentifiable crap people use to spice it up, my mother invented a recipe years ago that she calls "Sissy Chili." While I've never quite gotten over the name (I'm still a man, I just hate stuff that gets stuck in my teeth!), the chili recipe has proven to be something that I still eat on a regular basis.

The ingredients you need are:

1 - 1 1⁄2 lb(s) ground hamburger
2 8oz cans of tomato paste
2 cans of red kidney beans
1 packet of McCormick's Chili Mix
1 tbl spoon chili powder
1 six pack of beer
(Note: the beer doesn't really go in the chili, they're just fun to drink while you're cooking.)

Have your first beer. After that, brown the ground beef and drain off the excess grease; unless of course you want "floaters" in your chili. Then mix the two cans of tomato paste with two cans of water and stir it thoroughly until it's a nice smooth sauce. Mix in the hamburger, red kidney beans, and McCormick's Chili Mix while the sauce is cooking over LOW heat. By this point, you should be cracking open your second beer as you're stirring your chili. It's good to multi-task when you're cooking. Once everything is mixed together, I throw in the extra chili powder for good measure, cover the pot, and let it simmer on medium-low heat for 30 - 40 minutes. The medium-low heat is very important because it keeps the sauce from cooking too fast and the beans from turning to mush.

Since you've got some time to kill, might as well have a few more beers too. Cooking time varies depending on your stove, but the general idea is to cook chili like you're making it in a crockpot; low heat and a long cooking time to let all the spices soak in. Make sure to uncover the pot and stir it every ten minutes or so. And, try not spill your beer while you're doing it...it makes the chili taste funny. Once the kidney beans are soft, but hopefully not mushy, you can serve your chili in a bowl and enjoy it with your last ice cold beer...provided you remember to save one for dinner.