How to Be Cool

1. Buy a pair of Aviator sunglasses. Only cool people wear Aviators, unless you're a cop, and cops are rarely ever cool.

2. Wear a lot of black. Ironically, this is rule #1 of being cool. No one cool ever wore anything pink.

3. Be able to laugh at yourself. The coolest cats in the world laugh at being called the coolest cats in the world.

4. Only listen to music made by cool artists. You'll never see Johnny Cash at a Jonas Brothers concert.

5. Brood. If you don't have anything in your life to brood about, think about famine or poverty or something like that.

6. Smoke cigarettes and drink alcohol. Forget about the health concerns, everything you'll get in terms of coolness far outweigh the slow and painful death you'll suffer later. Cool people don't live long lives anyway.

7. Never dance.

8. Go easy on the leather. Once upon a time, leather was associated with all things cool. These days have passed. Leather has only retained popularity among gay men and bikers.

9. Remain distant and aloof. Never share personal information unless mobsters are beating it out of you. Engage in conversations with mostly head nods and half-smiles. Careful though, if not performed correctly you may be mistaken as developmentally disabled.

10. Invest in a motorcycle. Though dangerous and costly to insure, possessing a motorcycle will up your coolness factor tremendously. Even if it's just garaged, make sure passengers in your 1991 Nissan Sentra are brought around to see it.

11. Get a tattoo. The bigger the better, and anywhere is fine except for lower back, ankle, genital region or upper lip.

12. Always exit situations with a one-liner. "See you when I see you," "I'm out," and "I'm going to a bar to brood" are good departure examples.

13. Never get caught playing with your dog or pet. A quick head rub or abdominal pat is fine, but getting caught rolling around on the floor with your poodle yelling, "ooh who's a good boy, yeah, you's a good boy," is immediate death to your coolness.

14. No hair highlights.

15. Never vomit. No one cool has ever vomited. If you feel the urge to vomit, this means your central nervous system is not displaying a cool demeanor. Best to spend as much time necessary internalizing this list.