How to Cope with Being the Wife of a Sex Addict

Discovering that your husband is a sex addict can be emotionally painful and devastating. To help understand what type of impact a husband's sex addiction can have on the marriage and for tips on coping with being the wife of a sex addict, I have interviewed psychotherapist Ella Hutchinson, MA, LPC.

Tell me a little bit about yourself.
"I am a Licensed Professional Counselor . I graduated with my MA in Counseling in 2006 from St. Edward's University in Austin. I have been practicing counseling since then in various settings, such as MHMR, inpatient and outpatient psychiatric facilities and counseling agencies. Currently I own a private practice, Comfort Christian Counseling , in Katy, TX , and I also work with a group practice, Innovations Counseling in Houston, TX . I specialize in working with partners of sex addicts and couples dealing with the sex addiction of a spouse. I am Certified in the Diagnosis and Treatment of Sexual Addiction from the American Association of Christian Counselors . I am also in training to become a Certified Clinical Sex Addiction Specialist. I expect to receive this certification by the end of this year."

Other than professionally have you personally experienced any friends or family members that were or are sex addicts?
"Three years ago, after making some discoveries on my own, my husband confessed to me that he is a sex addict. We had been married nine years at the time and had an eight-year-old daughter. I thought I had the perfect marriage. I did not see this coming and the shock was overwhelming. In spite of my education, I was not at all familiar with sex addiction. At the time I could not imagine staying married to this man I felt I didn't even know. I thought my entire marriage was a lie. We were blessed to be led to some wonderful people who have guided us through our recovery journey. My husband and I now work together to help other couples dealing with this issue."

What type of impact can a husband's sex addiction have on the marriage?
"Well, I could write a book on this one. Every couple's situation is different. The impact the addiction is currently having on a marriage depends on many variables, such as whether or not the wife knows about the addiction, whether the husband is aware and willing to admit he has a problem, whether the husband is in recovery, how well he understands the impact of his addiction on his wife, etc. If the wife is unaware of the addiction, it is still affecting the entire family. Often she has a feeling that something is wrong, but she doesn't know what and when she tries to discuss it with him he just pulls away. A sex addict who is not in recovery is unable to experience true intimacy. Sometimes the wife is aware of this and sometimes she has never experienced intimacy so she doesn't realize it is missing.

In addition, frequent use of pornography can cause a man to believe his wife should look a certain way, act a certain way, and can cause him to need porn to become sexually aroused. This can even get to the point that a man is no longer able to perform with his wife, but has no problem masturbating or having sex with other women. Of course this is a huge blow to a woman's self-esteem, but she must realize that this has nothing to do with her. I have seen very attractive women who are no longer able to arouse their husband. I have seen women go to great lengths, such as getting plastic surgery, working out obsessively, even watching porn or visiting strip clubs with him. For a man whose addiction has progressed to the point that his wife no longer excites him sexually, none of this will help. He may be acting out with women less attractive than his wife, but he needs the excitement of what is wrong, what is taboo, to get his high. Over time his acting out becomes more extreme and more frequent.

Another way sex addiction can affect the marriage, even if the addiction is still hidden, is that frequently the addict has anger issues and even outbursts of rage. Often the anger is taken out on inanimate objects and other times it is toward the wife and family. I like the quote, "the problem is never really the problem". The addict's anger can be about his guilt and shame due to his secret behavior or about childhood abuse he has never dealt with. Taking it out on the lawn mower or his wife can seem a lot safer and can make him feel much less vulnerable than admitting his real problems, if he is even aware of them.

On the other hand, there are certain things all couples dealing with this issue have in common. Obviously, if the wife finds out, trust is completely broken. Every woman who discovers her husband is addicted to porn or is having sex with other women feels betrayed and alone. A quick caveat: It is important to understand that even if a man has not been sexual with another woman, if he is watching porn or masturbating compulsively, it is still considered sex addiction. Further, men who are addicted to porn frequently progress to the point of wanting to act out what they have seen. He may say he "only" looks at porn when that is not the case. It is important to point out that whether or not she knows of the addiction, she is at risk for STD's.

Wives are often blamed for the addict's problem. There are many ways that this lie affects the marriage. Usually the husband is the one doing the blaming, but tragically I have heard of therapists telling wives she just needs to have more sex with her husband, lose weight or dress better, or even that she needs to be more open minded about porn because it can "spice up" the marriage. Her level of confidence is almost always severely affected. Wives experience anger due to their feelings of hurt and betrayal. When they take this out on their addicted husband, he often becomes defensive and reflects the anger back at her. Wives who know about the addiction and choose to stay in the marriage, although their husband refuses to get help, often experience significant physical and emotional health problems. I see women who have struggled for years with finding porn on the computer or discovering affair after affair. They spend much of their marriage begging him to stop this behavior. By the time they come to me they have often become cold and bitter toward their spouse and may soon find the courage to leave, but tell me they feel they have wasted the last 10, 20, or 30 years of their life.

A marriage can be healed from sexual addiction, but both parties must be willing and motivated to get help. Guidance from a skilled therapist is also crucial. Unfortunately, most therapists are not qualified to treat sex addiction, but many are doing it anyway. Even those who do have training and experience working with sex addiction often do significant damage. In my opinion, the training that most therapists are receiving in regard to sex addiction, when it comes to treating the marriage and spouse, is outdated and often causes more damage than help. Although I am a Christian counselor, I also see a lot of damage done by pastors or other members of the clergy who offer harmful advice due to their being under-informed about the issue. Couples may contact me at ella.hutchinson@yahoo.com for advice on finding a good sex addiction therapist.

I highly recommend a three-day Intensive for couples in recovery from sex addiction. There are two therapists I am aware of in the Houston area who conduct the type of intensive I am referring to, one of them being myself (with my husband). I also highly recommend Dr. Milton Magness, another sex addiction therapist in the area, who does intensives. In fact it was the intensive my husband and I went through with Dr. Magness that made me, years later, want to do include intensives in the work I do with couples. I know there are others in the country who do intensives, but I am not familiar enough with them to recommend them. Unlike couple's intensives that are for multiple couples, which may be very helpful as well, the type of intensive I conduct focuses only on one couple for the entire three days. Read more about it on my website."

How can a wife cope with her husband's sex addiction?
"The pain a wife experiences when she discovers her husband's sex addiction is indescribable. Wives have described it as "worse than death". I personally remember feeling that discovering my husband had died suddenly would have been easier than what I had to deal with. I often compare what a wife experiences to dealing with the death of a loved one. She will have to deal with many losses and will go through the same stages of grief . There is nothing that can take the pain away, however there is help available.

A support system is important in a wife's recovery. Keeping her husband's addiction a secret only causes her more pain and often causes shame. This is a tough issue because while a woman needs support during this time, she must be careful where she seeks it out. She needs to try to find people she can trust and who will not try to tell her what to do or judge her for her decisions. For this reason, family may not be the best place to look for support. Wives should not be afraid to tell others what they need. For example, "Right now I really just need someone to listen, and not to tell me what to do". Talking about the issue, instead of trying to pretend it doesn't exist, will help healing to happen more quickly. Joining a support group can be a safe way to do this. If there is not one in your area, there are some wonderful phone support groups available.

I do not recommend that a partner of a sex addict attend 12 step meetings, although this is the most common type of support group available. Some women find these groups helpful (and I do not discourage these women from attending), but I hear more women tell me that this kind of group made them feel worse. In this type of group, the partner of a sex addict is labeled a co-sex addict or co-addict for short. This can make the wife feel partially responsible for her husband's behavior or that something is wrong with her because she chose him. The twelve step model is for addicts and considers addiction a disease. I am in full support of this for the sex addict (in fact, it is quite beneficial). However, the partner of a sex addict, except in rare cases, is not an addict, nor does she have a disease, just because she is married to a sex addict.

Learning about sex addiction can also help a woman cope with it. The old clich© that knowledge is power is true in this case. For me, educating myself about sex addiction helped me to understand it wasn't my fault and why my husband was acting this way. There are many great books on understanding and coping with your spouse's sex addiction. The number one book I recommend is Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means. You can order it from Amazon. There is also a list of recommended books on my website."

What type of professional help is available for a wife of a sex addict?
"One of the first actions a wife should take when she discovers her husband's addiction is to reach out to a therapist who specializes in treating wives of sex addicts. As I mentioned before, one must be selective in who they choose as their counselor. First, check to see if they have a website. Read over it and if the terms "co-addict", "co-sex addict", or "codependent of a sex addict" is used repeatedly, keep looking. It has been assumed, and is taught in most sex addiction training programs for therapists, that all spouses of sex addicts are codependent. This is simply not true. Many wives of sex addicts are not codependent and when the addiction is discovered they exhibit healthy boundaries. Even when a woman does appear to be codependent (an overused term I try to avoid using in my practice), it is not the first thing that needs to be addressed in my opinion. The second thing a spouse can do to find a good therapist is to call the therapist and ask if she is familiar and supportive of the trauma model for treating partners. Finally, if she is still having trouble finding a good therapist, a woman can help to educate her therapist on the trauma model, which recognizes that the partner of a sex addict is suffering from trauma, which can mimic codependency. The trauma must be recognized and treated. To learn more about the trauma model, I highly recommend the book, Your Sexually Addicted Spouse, by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means.

Therapist-led support groups for wives of sex addicts are available in many areas. Sometimes the partners of a sex addict experiences severe depression or anxiety. Visiting a psychiatrist for this can be a good idea.

For more information, partners of sex addicts may visit, www.comfortchristiancounseling.com, and my personal website, www.wifeofasexaddict.com. My husband's website, which is for men struggling with sexual purity, is www.caribouministries.com."

Thank you Ella for doing the interview on how to cope with being the wife of a sex addict.

Suggested Books: Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal by Marsha Means and Barbara Steffens

Spouses of Sex Addicts: Hope for the Journey by Richard Blankenship

Shattered Vows by Debra LaaserHealing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction by Mark Laaser

Hope and Freedom for Sexual Addicts and Their Partners by Milton Magness, D.Min.