How I Cope with Having a Mentally Ill Child

My seven year old son Benny is brilliant, creative, funny and extremely intuitive, with amazing mechanical aptitude and a tremendous capacity for learning.
He's also capable of breaking furniture, jumping on top of his tiny 4-year-old brother, threatening to kill me or himself, slamming his head into things, having virtual and auditory hallucinations, paranoia, clinical depression and engaging in screaming tantrums for hours. He's been in a child psych ward four times.

Why? Benny has pediatric-onset bipolar disorder, a disease which as debilitating for little ones as it is for adults--and in one way, much more painful, as understanding what's happening is far more difficult for him. It's not a death sentence, of course, but it's up there on the list of things that you don't want to happen to your baby.

For those who don't know anything about bipolar disorder, here's a quick rundown. The disease, which was once known as manic depression, is a medical condition which causes dramatic mood swings, including supercharged highs (known as mania) and depressed lows. It's estimated that over 10 million Americans have this disorder. It's not clear how many are children--as research is just beginning to document that children can have the disease--but most researchers think that there's a huge number of bipolar kids out there. What's clear is that like adult bipolar patients, bipolar kids can lead very chaotic lives and suffer adult-style depression and mania.

Coping with the symptoms of this disease, which come in giant, unpredictable waves that can swamp our family boat, is even harder for my husband and I than it is for Benny. We're isolated, with no family in town, and our friends definitely don't want to take his on. We're tired as hell and sometimes we don't even get enough sleep. And we're just plain aggravated by some of what professionals call "challenging" behavior. Not only is life with Benny no picnic, sometimes it's more like a death struggle.

And imagine how you'd feel, in our position, if you were frequently accused of being bad, incompetent parents by people who don't understand the disease. (Even our families have sung that tune from time to time.) And when Benny acts badly in public, in ways we can't always control immediately, people look daggers at us, as though we were simply lazy or negligently destroying their good time. After several years of this kind of treatment, it begins to sting more than a little.

Despite all this, however, we would never walk away from the task we've been given. Our Benny is a gift, even though we don't get to see evidence of this every day, and we're committed to getting the best care, the best schooling and the most opportunities he can possibly have.

Here's some of the techniques we use for coping with his illness:

1. Focusing on the right things: We try to treasure the good moments, reminding him frequently that while he has a disease, that the disease isn't him. (Fortuantely, he's smart enough to understand that.) We praise him when he shows self-control, does his 2nd grader homework, uses good manners, maintains his daily hygiene consistently and acts considerately towards his little brother. And when his behavior gets out of control, we try to remind ourselves that he's not a bad little person, just impulsive, moody and easily frustrated.

2. Relentlessly seeking new solutions: With a kid like Benny, not only do you need to have psychologists, psychiatrists and primary care doctors in your corner, you also need to be on the lookout for other solutions. In Benny's case, I've sought out additional help from a therapist specializing in Applied Behavioral Analysis, a technique which is often used to help autistic children. I'm also open to finding out about helping kids with sensory integration disorder, which seems to apply to him as well. And I keep my eye on medical research and treatment trends. What I'm getting at is that when you kid is mentally ill, you can never be complacent.

3. Finding support: Support can come in many forms. Of course, it helps a lot if your family pitches in and babysits, helps with visits to the doctor or just cheers you up when you're discouraged. We also reach out to friends (the more tolerant ones who can cope with Benny's behavior), online support groups (I belong to a few), family and individual counselors (I see one) and face-to-face parenting groups. Also, school personnel can be supportive at times, particularly if your child is in special ed and they know what you're facing. In some situations, a social worker can be an enormous help there too.

4. Keeping relationships alive: I can't imagine what I'd do if my husband and I didn't have a strong, warm, mutually supportive relationship (with him contributing whimsy and a sense of humor when I can't let go of things). We work at keeping this alive, especially when we've had a bad patch with Benny. I also work to reach out to friends, even if they're not comfortable visiting at the moment. (E-mail helps a lot.) And I connect with my family when and however I can. They do love me, and I'm willing to overlook their limitations to some degree.

5. Keeping perspective: As with any other difficult, challenging situation, caring for a mentally ill child can overwhelm you completely, to the point where you can't see standing it another minute. Sometimes I've given in to that feeling, but all it does is make me so hysterical that I feel like *I'm* the one with a mental illness. When I can, however, I use a slogan from a program I'm involved with, "This Too Shall Pass," take a deep breath and wait for the clouds to break. I have to remind myself often that no matter how I'm feeling right now, there's always hope.

No matter what happens, living with Benny may never be easy, and I'm not sure what the future holds for him. But I'm not going to give up on my son. Even if it means I spend some anxious moments or struggle to understand what he's thinking, I'm not going to let that stop me. Benny may be a terror, but he's a lot more than that, too, and I'm going to see this through.