How to Cope with Internet Withdrawal

Just lost internet access due to mean spirited Raccoons gnawing on phone lines? You still have access to the internet, but AC is inaccessible for whatever reason? If you have ever been in either situation, I've got ya' covered.

The first thing you should be is walk outside and get some fresh air. I don't care if you use the computer wearing only your underwear. Just run out the front door and take a deep breath. The longer you stay inside, the more likely you are to do something drastic and unnecessary.

While outside, your goal is to gain perspective. You must come to the realization that a break from your normal routine can be a good thing. Even if that break was caused by unknown technical problems that are out of your control(allegedly).

Begin to walk in the same direction you are facing when siting down at your computer desk. If you see any abnormal objects Walk to where, you ask? Life is a journey, I snidely remark. You never know ones final destination till they get there. For the sake of safety, your final destination will be the front door of your house/apartment at the end of said journey.

Be sure to pick up any miscellaneous items you come across that might look out of place or useful. This includes walking sticks, compasses, magic talismans, Micheal Jackson's original nose and a cloak of uncontrollable bladders. Use the cloak as self defense by tossing it at an attacker, or wearing it when approached by a bear(it should become disgusted at the sight of you moistening the ground around you).

At the start of your quest, I advice you to stop by ye old Armour shop. Don't have one of those in your area? Swing by one of your neighbors and ask to borrow their kid's Halloween costume. Don't matter if it fits. Just drape it across your chest, or wear it as a cape that classic heroic as I wanna be look.

While your at it, snag their family crest(wall plaque) as well. Before they start asking too many questions, run out the house and stagger over to your nearest pet store for other important supplies. All you'll really need is a few chew toys and some floss, in case you come in contact with a hell hound who has chunks of novice adventurers who neglected to read this article in his teeth.

Now for your quest: Find the living embodiment of the Internet and slay him.Most people assume he can be found in the offices of their local Internet Service Provider. This just isn't true at all really. The internet can be found somewhere in a restroom at Yellowstone National Park.

As it turns out, he has an enlarged prostate and is very irritable because of it. You can't just walk up to his stall and and challenge him either. No no no, you will need to knock on the door thrice times, then whisper the phrase "All YOUR base..." Only then can you get him to rise form his thrown.

Around his neck will hang three items from a glow in the dark chain. Item one will be a hundred sided die. Items two and three will be containers that hold the spirit of comedy and the soul of James Lipton. I would advise evasive actions right about now.Either put on that cloak, or raise your shield to deflect all three objects when thrown.

Survival will earn an opportunity to answer two questions. Upon getting them right, you will get one free swipe at the unholy digital being. The first is a trick question: I can has cheezburger? Just mention something about upgrading lazors, shoop da whoop or Rick Astley and you should be fine.

The second question is a riddle wrapped in an enigma in a void of redundancy. No matter what your response, the outcome will be the same. I'm not even gonna waste time with what that question is. Just some "meh" and be prepared for an epic battle.

The Internet has a pretty impressive move set. Not only is he skilled in the ancient art of Oh-Snap, he can also use telepathy to probe your mind and launch pop up ads related to your deepest thoughts. His Trojan Compression Bomb is powerful enough to lag entire continents till they freeze and crash.

While he is quite formidable, he is also a major dweeb. You can outwit the internet pretty easily by reciting classic children's taunts. Talk about his mother jumping in the air and getting stuck, his poor hygiene, lack of motor skills in gym class, etc. After a while, he'll drop to his knees and weep. You can either kick him in the head or leave the pathetic goober to wallow in self pity.

By the time you return home, Internet access should be restored. As a reward, you will receive three months of AOL for free in the mail. Those discs make great coasters.