How to Cope with a Parent Who is a Self-Mutilator

The red and blue flashing lights flood my room as I'm awoken from a deep sleep by someone at my bedside. I don't remember much of the night, but the story has been passed down to me many times by other family members. All I remember is sitting in the back of a police car, tired but excited since to me it was more like a real life game of cops and robbers. I was probably only five or six at the time, and the memory of that cold night's squad car ride has stuck with me, the reason I was in it however, did not. For years I still remember that excitement.

Never once did the memory haunt me until I found out the whole story. You see for the last eight or nine years I've known that my Mom was a self mutilator, or cutter, but I don't think even I knew the extent of what I had endured. That night was nothing more than a big game of cops and robbers to me but the real reason the cops were there was for my Mom. She had somehow gotten her hands on a gun and shot herself. Not anywhere big, just in the foot, but this revelation opened up a virtual Pandora's Box of revelations of the truth about the woman who gave me life.

You may ask me why I would bring up such personal information about my Mother. Shouldn't my family's business stay within my own family? Trust me, this is not the easiest topic for me to bring up. However, over the last five years I've realized something. Though my Mom has caused a lot of damage in my life, and the life of my family, maybe sharing my story of survival through it can help someone else.

My Mom survived that night, and has survived many nights since. Hosts of seamlessly harmless objects became weapons of self purging to release whatever memories she happens to be dealing with at the time, regardless of the feelings of those around her. Unfortunately my Mom is not alone in her struggles against herself. New statistics released this year (2008) by Lysamena Project estimate the number of Americans dealing with self mutilation to be around two million to as many eight million. I'm willing to bet that a large percentage of those statistics include mothers with at least one child.

I wish I could say that living with a mother dealing with this disease did not affect me more than just in sadness for her situation, but I can't. The fallout from her struggle has not only affected my mental health but has caused far reaching devastation on my emotional, academic, physical, spiritual, and personal life. What I can also say though, is that the experience did not destroy me. If anything it has made me a stronger person, and this is the hope I wish to share with anyone reading this article.

First off, you are not alone. Millions of us are out there who have had to live life basically without their parent. I look back on my life and see that there were many times where I actually felt like the parent in the relationship. It's hard to have people ask you about your mom. It's hard to deal with the fact that every paramedic and fireman knows your name because of your mother. It's hard to face holidays like birthdays and Mother's day where you are supposed to celebrate them. It's ok to feel angry or hurt as long as you don't let those feelings rule your life.

Secondly let's focus on ourselves for a minute. If I have learned anything from my experiences, and the experiences of others, this situation has probably caused something inside of you to happen. Overwhelmingly I have found that the children of cutters who still struggle to cope are those that have deep care for everyone else around them. They have realized that they have been unable to help their own family so they try to help everyone else around them in proxy for their parent. It's ok to take a moment out and think about yourself. Ask yourself, "is it good for me to continue contact right now? Am I in a good enough emotional place to still try to take care of my parent?" I unfortunately have come to the point where I have had to cut off pretty much all contact from my Mom. Not because I don't love her, but because I can't live my own life and have her in it at the same time, and that's ok. It does not make you a bad son or daughter. It does not make you a bad person. It does not make you ungrateful. At some point you have to realize that. Find someone to confide in, whether it be professional help or just a close friend. You do not, and should not have to face this alone. No one is going to judge you for needing an open ear and an open heart.

Next let's deal with blame. For years I laid the blame on myself. I'll tell you right now that unless you are putting the razor to their wrists, it is not your fault. Self mutilation is a disease that stems from factors within your parent's life, not yours. They even may try to put the blame on you saying that you drove them to do it, or they felt so alone because you never spend time with them anymore. This is still not your fault. Do not allow the blame to be laid on you because that prevents your parent from dealing with their own issues, and when that occurs you become the enabler.

So we've dealt with our own issues, we have laid the blame on the right person, now how do you move on? This is a question I can't give a definitive answer to. Honestly I wish that I could go back to have a child's mind where weekly trips to the hospital emergency room in a cab were free opportunities to watch the Disney Channel in the waiting room, or that rides in the back of police cars were seen as games of Cops and Robbers. Unfortunately this child like view was shattered the moment I walked in on my Mom mid cut on her wrists. That is something that is truly hard to move on from.

I spent years trying to escape the memory. Six colleges, eight cities, and four states later and I'm still dealing with the aftermath. It even has affected my dating relationships with relating everyone I date to my Mom. The smallest similarities can end great relationships. However, each time I complete a semester without failing out, each time I can talk about my Mom without bursting into tears, each time I come a step closer to marriage I realize that I can overcome, that I can live a life free of the weight that was put on me. It was not my choice to have a mother who literally has an addiction to hurting herself; it however is my choice to live each day realizing that I don't have to follow in her footsteps. There is a freedom that comes from that realization.

I'm not saying that tomorrow you are going to wake up and magically be free from all the pain and anger you have felt. I also know that self mutilation is not an easily curable disorder, and that you can't help but see little parts of that family member creeping in to your own personality. But what I can say is that things have a chance to get better. You will have a chance to live a normal life. There are so many times where I look in the mirror and ask myself, or God, or whoever is listening, why I got the bad end of the stick. You know what I hear back every time now? It may be the bad end of the stick, but that stick can serve as a mighty rod to help pull you out of the mess you've been put in. So grasp the end of the situation and take steps out towards a brighter future. Your future is determined by no one else but yourself, so makes it better. Resolve yourself to be a better parent than you're own. Resolve yourself to be an example and a light to others and I promise you, healing will come.

Resources to help you, or those you love who are dealing with self mutilation:

Lysamena Project: http://www.self-injury.org/

The Pain We Hide: http://www.thepainwehide.com/

Self Mutilators Anonymous: http://www.selfmutilatorsanonymous.org

Self Harm Support: http://www.selfharm.net