How to Cope with a Recent Divorce

It can be difficult dealing with a recent divorce. To help understand what type of impact a recent divorce can have on someone's overall life and for tips on coping with a recent divorce, I have interviewed psychotherapist Mark Saindon, MA, LMFT.

Tell me a little bit about yourself.
"I'm a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in Portland, Oregon. I've been working as a therapist for the last 15 years. I see clients regarding a variety of different issues, and I specialize in working with couples that are looking to improve their relationship. I am married, just over 22 years, and have three teenage kids. In my previous career I worked in the corporate high-tech industry for a couple of fortune 500 companies."

What type of impact can a recent divorce have on someone's overall life?
"The overall effect of a divorce is sobering in how all encompassing it becomes, especially during the initial phases when a couple first separates. What follows are the main areas that are impacted by a divorce:

Emotional

In general, the following mostly applies to the person surprised by the divorce, or not wanting the divorce. Besides the obvious emotions associated with grief and loss, feeling helpless to stop the pain, disoriented about the future, frustrated with their inability to control their circumstances, and feeling betrayed. With all the negative emotions it's important to monitor the level of depression that normally comes with such a difficult loss.

The person being divorced may experience feelings of rejection and loss of self-worth. The person initiating the divorce may feel like the 'bad guy' for causing so much pain to their former partner or their children."

Friends and Family

There is also a loss felt by the other people that loved and supported the couple. There may be noticeable anger and/or sadness expressed by friends and family members who are upset by the divorce. Some people may choose to side with one or the other of the divorced couple rather than stay neutral. Oftentimes, even if the person had good relations with their in-laws, the need to provide support to their own family member prevents the continuation of those relationships as they had once been in the past.

A loss of friends who were 'couples friends'. A group of couples with whom the couple formed a community with and socialized with together. Being the single ex-partner can feel awkward and lonely in a group of couples. Oftentimes people in the group can feel threatened by the now single partner's circumstance, a reminder of how vulnerable their own marriage could be to the same fate.

Work

At work, expect a possible loss of personal production and ability to focus due to the sometimes unexpected and overwhelming emotions mentioned previously. People at work will notice that something is different. Co-workers that know you will sense the change in your demeanor and may even ask, 'Is everything is ok?'. Also, if there are children, expect a loss of time at work, due to dealing with all of the logistical demands of managing kids who belong to two households.

Children

If there are children involved with the divorce the stability that they once experienced is now gone, and they feel as if a rug has been pulled out from underneath them. There is some kind of parenting plan developed that splits the responsibilities of the kids both financially and for separate time with each partner.

What most people who initiate a divorce under-estimate is the profound and intense pain that they will experience having to watch the suffering that their kids go through. Unfortunately, they quickly discover that they are unable able to console their children in the same way that they could with a scraped knee. Instead, they mostly have to watch as their kids grieve the loss of their previous life, and come to grips with their new family situation. Counseling for the child can help, but it still remains a lengthy process of recovery. Luckily, most kids are resilient and with a good support system will recover just fine.

Financial

The reality of splitting into two households and separating the income is that each person's total financial net worth is diminished. In some circumstances people have to sell their house, vacation property, or other important and valuable items in the process of settling the divorce. And, in some instances, people lose part of their retirement money in the settlement, or must dip into their retirement money to make ends meet in the short-term. In other cases, people have to take out lines of credit or second mortgages to keep their house or retirement accounts."

How can someone cope with a recent divorce?
"First, take care of yourself. Because of the stress and negative emotions that come with a divorce, it can be a drain on your energy and lower the body's natural immune system. Make sure you are eating a healthy diet, getting adequate sleep, and exercising regularly. If you are having difficulty in any of these areas seek the advice of your doctor or health practitioner.

Second, create a support system of people for yourself. These can be trusted friends and family who you feel comfortable talking with and who have the patience and understanding to listen well. If you are not located near these people pickup a phone. If you belong to a church seek out the pastor or other members who may provide support. Working with a professionally trained counselor can be beneficial in discussing issues that are not appropriate or feel too uncomfortable with friends and family.

Third, find books or recorded media that will help to give you another perspective on life's changes other than your own. These can be self-help, inspirational, or spiritual books, or written material that you find positive or interesting. Keep a journal of your thoughts, even if it's just a few lines each day.

Fourth, give yourself time to heal. Recovering from a serious emotional loss, like a divorce, is a longer process because it's extremely involved. It's a matter of redefining your current life, your future, and possibly yourself while dealing with the pain and loss. Each person goes through it differently. Be thoughtful about how you would like to go through your healing process.

Lastly, have a life. Although you have just lost something very important, you still have your life to live, which is just as important if not more so. Remember the other parts of your life that are working, and keep them working well, such as work and other relationships. Take the time to do the things that you take pleasure in doing. Treat yourself to activities and interests that you have been putting off that you enjoy. Spend time with people that appreciate you and your friendship. Create a balance of time to heal and time to enjoy your life."

What type of professional help is available for someone that is having a difficult time coping with a recent divorce?
"For counseling, help can be provided by a Licensed Professional Counselor, Marriage and Family Therapist, Social Worker, or a Psychologist. Call and talk to several to see which you feel is the best fit for you. Also, for children, some schools provide counseling at the school for the child or can provide referrals to outside counseling resources.

Look on the internet for local community workshops or counseling groups for recently divorced people. Make sure that any group you sign-up for is facilitated by a licensed or trained professional, rather than a self-help group. Many groups are gender specific for men or women only.

If you have mental health insurance, call them to see if they offer any workshops or groups for recently divorced people.

If you are having difficulty with health issues such as eating, sleeping, anxiety, or depression seek help from your primary care doctor or health care practitioner.

If you need financial assistance look in your community for financial planners who provide expert help and specialize in working with people who need to reorganize their finances after a divorce."

Thank you Mark for doing the interview on how to cope with a recent divorce. For more information on Mark Saindon or his work you can check out his website on www.MarkSaindon.com .

Recommended Readings:
How to Handle Divorce Anger

Helping Your Child Through Divorce and Separation

Recovering from Divorce